10 Days Post Surgery ~ 1 Step Forward 2 Steps Back

I just may be finally getting it. Take it easy means, do nothing. Do not lift the laptop. Do not lift your plate of food. Do not bend over to pick up the dog's Kong.

After having a few days where I was beginning to feel I was turning the corner and possibly healing from this nightmare, I went to wash my hands and then reach ever so slightly sideways to grab a towel to dry off. Now I'm hating my life again.

Back pain is torturous. It messes with your spirit, not just your body.

I also made the mistake of looking at my incision in the mirror yesterday. I didn't expect it to look blood red with a black thread running through it. I expected it to be tiny, two inches. It's more like four. Add to the fact I haven't been able to really wash my hair properly I feel like the bride of Frankenstein. The black stitches should come out in 5 days, so I'm hoping I can take a long, real shower, shampooing and conditioning my hair.

Mostly I'm hoping for this pain to improve for good. Its a tease having a good day and then waking up and feeling worse than ever. I don't understand this healing process at all.

My loved ones remind me, I will feel better. I need to hang in there. This recovery is much more mental than physical. I cry a little and then feel better. I rest, take my medication and try to find patience with myself.

Day 6 I Shouldn't Rush This

Halving my pain medication was not such a good idea. I also tried to sit and eat a meal. Also not a good idea. By Wednesday evening I was despondent. The pain was too much to bear and I found myself in tears, depressed, thinking I'm never getting through this and my life will never have meaning and joy again.

I went from being able to take short walks around the house to wanting to scream with every step and grabbing the walls to hold me up. I couldn't find a comfortable position and psychologically went to that dark place once again. Thankfully, my husband was here, to hold my hand and promise me it would get better and we would find a way.

This morning I called the nurse and she scolded me for halving my medication. She reminded me I'm not yet a week out from my surgery. She assured me I needed to give it one more week at least before I would notice a change in my comfort level. She instructed me to go back to taking 2 oxycodone every 6 hours and TAKE IT EASY! A refill is waiting for me at the office.

I hear about people who've had back surgery and were pain free immediately after surgery. Most of the cases I've read about online talk about how it was closer to a year before they felt well enough to return to their regular lives. I really have no idea what to expect.

At times I feel like I'm failing because literally each hour of my life looks like this: lay in bed for 45 minutes, walk for 15 minutes and make it to the bathroom. My husband reminds me that's more than what I did the day I ended up in the emergency room.

The night after surgery I had the blow torched leg many others have described, as my nerve woke back up, and thankfully that experience has not returned. My leg gets uncomfortable, and my foot is still numb, but mostly the pain is in my back. I can move a little bit in the wrong direction and feel like my spine has just slipped apart but if I'm careful, I can find a position that is tolerable for at least a short while.

Recovery seems so slow, its maddening! I can't read because I grow tired holding up a book. I can't be on the computer too long because my legs and neck grow tired holding up the laptop in the position needed to see. I can't watch movies because I can't lay too long. I have to get up and move in short bursts. I can't win.

I'm finding I shouldn't complain either because its beginning to really depress the hell out of me! It helps to vent here, so my family doesn't have to hear me being so negative.

It helps to breathe. I just close my eyes, pray and then breathe deeply in and out. It helps to feel God's presence with me and allow him to take my mind away from this.

Sleep on the other hand isn't so wonderful because I dream. My dreams are usually about being trapped, left behind or lost. One nightmare I couldn't move out of bed at all and I felt semi-awake, unable to scream for help. I did feel a small child's hand reach for mine and suddenly I was fully awake and able to get myself out of bed. I can't help but feel I was visited by an angel.

Counting my blessings I'm grateful I can pull myself out of bed. I'm grateful I can make it to the bathroom. I'm grateful for my family loving me unconditionally and helping me. I'm grateful the nurse told me to not rush my recovery. I still have no patience for this and perhaps this is why I still remain stressed instead of in recovery mode.

Day 5 Recovery

I've decided to half my pain medication and just deal with it. I'm not completely pain free taking only half, but I wasn't pain free taking the full dose either. The idea of suddenly having to go cold turkey also makes me nervous. I'm hoping I can start weaning myself now, 5 days post surgery, and make what I have last a little longer. I know oxycodone better known as Percocet, is a narcotic that is abused frequently and getting a refill on your prescription is not easy. I also know going cold turkey could bring withdrawal symptoms.

Before my surgery, I was taking 1 tablet every 4 hours. Post surgery I was told to take 2 tablets every 4 hours, but today I'll try 1 every 4 and see if in a few days I can stretch that to 1 every 6-8 hours. 

I'm not jumping jacks or kicking up my heels, but I can manage a comfortable sleeping position and slowly walking around the house isn't so bad. There's a part of me that wants to bend over and stretch so badly, but I know I'm suppose to take it easy for at least 2 weeks if not closer to 4 weeks. I can sit in a soft chair for a few minutes which is a few minutes more than before.

I'm still eating small meals, mostly while walking around my house. When I will one day be able to again to sit and enjoy a meal, it will be wonderful. I'm also looking forward to being able to put on socks by myself and wash my hair. Its ridiculous the little things you take for granted.

My sutures are scheduled to be removed by a nurse January 3rd and my follow up appointment with my neurosurgeon will be January 18th. My biggest challenge is having patience to get there.

Day 3 & 4 Recovery from Microdiscectomy

Day 3 was Christmas Eve - I spent  most of the day in bed, pillows under my legs, narcotics pulsing through my veins except when I forgot to take my scheduled pain medication. My mother in law had prepared a wonderful spread of food for us and cousins visited to share it with us. Unfortunately, with all the excitement, I had forgotten to take my dosage just as guests were arriving. 

I found my spirits declining once again as I began to realize, even trying to walk slowly was becoming very difficult. Pain and immobility are frightening things to me. I worried I was getting worse instead of better until my husband figured it out. I had missed my oxycodone dose. Once again under the influence, I felt well enough to get out of bed and move about, step by step, slowly. 


Day 4 Merry Christmas!! - Being on schedule with my medication has helped greatly. I slept and was well enough to sit long enough in a soft chair to enjoy watching my family open gifts. My emotional state is so much better. I'm believing once again I will heal. I will be restored. 

My husband reminded me of a basketball player who returned to the game after back surgery and I remember my neurosurgeon telling me of a 17 year old football player he operated on this past summer who returned to football this past fall. For the record my neurosurgeon doesn't believe anyone should play football at all due to the injuries, but I'm hopeful I will walk my dog, swim, dance and hula hoop by next Christmas.

95% of my disc material had herniated, and I need to give my nerve time to heal. My foot feels a different kind of numb, like it has been wrapped up tightly in a bandage. For the most part, I do not feel pain in my leg like before, but my back hurts and my incision site is itchy. I have to be very careful how I move, keeping my trunk/core in alinement or else my back screams at me. With the pain meds, I can move slowly, which I'm trying to do often to reduce scar tissue from forming.

Day 2 Recovery From Microdiscectomy

I have no patience for this. I want to be well now. 

My family is taking excellent care of me. My husband is keeping track of when and what medications I take, which is good because I don't seem to have any sense of time. I'm in a medicated blur. 

I was well enough to tag along shopping at the pet store for Christmas presents for our fur babies, and I also made it through having lunch out with my family. I was pretty tired after ward. 

I am sleeping better which is wonderful. Where as before I would wake up when my pain meds ran their course, my husband now wakes me to take them. 

I get up every few hours and walk a few laps of the house. Walking feels good but I feel weak and shaky. 

Today was the day to change my bandage. Husband said it looks pretty narly. I'm glad I can't see it. He said I have a bio-port from the David Cronenberg movie eXistenZ. I love that he has a sense of humor and he's reminding me to have one as well. 

Day 2's low point was emotional rather than physical. I am so frustrated not being able to do anything! I wanted to punch my first through the wall, which is not like me. I felt full of rage and frustration at my situation. I have no patience, and I'm having trouble finding hope I will be restored fully. At one point I thought the numbness was gone, but its back. 

My husband helped me calm down and assured me I only needed to take it easy right now and give this time, much more time. It was only Day 2!

One last thing that's driving me crazy, not being able to take a shower and wash my hair. Sponge baths just aren't cutting it.

I'm Home From My Microdiscectomy ~ Day 1 recovery

I'm practicing pain management, and I'm sleep deprived, but I'm home sweet home!

We drove slowly and carefully through the snow packed roads on Friday and made it to the hospital for my microdiscectomy back surgery for my herniated L5 S1 disc.

Prepping me I was a little nervous and caught off guard when they couldn't get my IV line started in. The anesthesiologist/vampire went for my neck. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. They numb you up pretty good and actually suture it into place. You are left looking like a borg with tubes sticking out of your neck.

I remember being told take a few deep breaths and next waking up in recovery. I have no recollection of being rolled over onto my stomach onto the special $70,000 back surgery table at Mercy hospital.

My surgery was scheduled for 1:00pm. Wheeled into my hospital room, I was stunned to see it was dark outside and it was already 6:00pm. Times flies when you're unconscious.

The nurses and nursing aides were awesome and took such great care of me! Although I didn't get any sleep, they made me as comfortable as possible. I had leg wraps that inflated and expanded automatically to keep my blood circulating. I was hooked up to the IV and a pulse oxygen monitor. That wasn't so pleasant because I kept setting off the alarms on the machines if I even moved an inch.

I became frightened in the wee morning hours when my leg pain came back with a vengeance. Instead of it being my upper hamstring area, it was my lower leg/calf/foot. It felt like it had been dipped into fire and the flesh was being burned off. I was in tears thinking I had made a huge mistake having this surgery. Once again the nurses were awesome doing everything within their power to help me. They helped me walk the halls and that helped a little. They also gave me morphine which took the edge off.

My nurse also took the time to settle my anxiety. She pointed out to me this pain was happening where I had previously experienced numbness. She suggested it was my nerve waking back up.

When I saw my neurosurgeon the next morning, he told me he had to remove "A LOT" of disc material, more than he usually sees in patients under going microdiscectomies. Some of the herniated material had actually dropped down and curved around my nerve so he had to go at it from multiple angles. No wonder why my nerve was so pissed off at me!

I'm happy the burning pain has gone away and I'm praying it stays away as I recover.  Coming home today felt so good! Even though I was offered to stay another night by my neurosurgeon, I want to be with my family and be in my bed. I will miss being able to walk the long hospital hallways, but I'll walk around my house, doing laps.

I'm in pain, mostly back, but I have oxycodone and for a short while Valium to help reduce muscle spasms. I can lay on my back for a short while but I'm most comfortable getting up and walking slowly. This is what was recommended to speed recovery and reduce scarring.

I'll return in 10-12 days to remove the stitches and then I can begin taking an anti-inflammatory once again. In the mean time, I am going to try and avoid sugar, dairy and grains to reduce inflammation, and I have my ice pack to lay on. I'll drink lots of Sleepy Time tea too!

Today is Day 1 of my recovery and I'm hopeful my body will improve each day, bringing me to my goal of being active once again. I can feel the love, support, prayers and positive thoughts from all my family and friends and it is helping me a great deal. THANK YOU!!

 

  

Just Get Me To Friday

My microdiscectomy surgery is Friday. I've read about the procedure, but I'm electing to turn off my autodidact powers, stopping short of watching an actual video of the procedure. I'm a visual person. If I see it, I'm worried it will amplify my anxiety. When I'm rid of all this pain, maybe then I'll watch it and think, wow, they did that to my back!

I frankly have no idea how people with a herniated disc can NOT have this procedure. I have visited depths of pain that have made me scream drastic things. I have to pop in an oxycodone every 4 hours instead of 6-8 to keep my tears from flowing. (I have my neurosurgeon's approval for this dosage.)

My favorite position is laying in bed, ice pack on my lower spine, pillows under my knees and at my sides. After some time however, I have to get up and move or the leg pain becomes unbearable. For some reason, slowly walking, shuffling my feet is the most comfortable I can make my body. Unfortunately, I'm not a sleep walker and my feet usually demand a rest at some point.

I've been told once the exploded jelly like disc material is cleared away and my nerve can position itself back where it was designed to be, my leg pain should disappear and hopefully my foot and lower calf will come back to life. I've been walking on pins and needles in my right foot for weeks now.

My neurosurgeon has warned I will still feel quite a bit of pain in my lower back but that should go away with time as I heal from the procedure. The nerve damage may take some time to heal, but he's confident it will heal since I'm having this procedure done sooner rather than later. He expects me to be walking 3 miles a day by spring.

I'm looking forward to being able to recover. Right now, I must be extra cautious I don't damage myself further. Its very difficult to remember I shouldn't be lifting anything heavier than 1 pound and I shouldn't bend over at all. Of course, my body reminds me sharply when I forget.

My poor puppy Rigby doesn't understand why we don't go for walks anymore. I'm grateful the rest of my family is able to walk and play with him, but he sadly looks up at me as if to say, "Don't you love me? Why won't you play with me?" I will be so happy to be able to walk him once again.

You take for granted how often you need to bend to pick something up. I've needed soap on a rope more than once this past week. Rigby has enjoyed many culinary delights he otherwise wouldn't have as I have dropped food and not been able to pick it up before he munched it.

Although I've mastered dressing myself, I can't put my right sock on. I'm sure my boys are growing weary of having me stick my foot in their face, asking for help. I'm looking forward to being able to take care of myself on my own.

My husband and family I'm sure have a new appreciation for the time it takes to take care of housekeeping,shopping and meal preparations. I'm grateful they have been able to do everything I can't, but I still hate having to burden them with my share of daily living chores. I will gladly vacuum the floor once I'm able to again.

My husband has been sick, yet he continues to put in extra time at the office so he can take off for my surgery. I want to be well so I can take care of him, instead of him always having to take care of me. I miss being able to be the wife he deserves.

I'm expecting recovery to be painful, but hopefully it will be a productive pain that eventually diminishes. I'm hoping physical therapy will teach me how I can strengthen my body to prevent my other bulging discs from herniating. I've had other people, including my neurosurgeon, tell me they've had multiple back surgeries, but I don't want this to be me. Once is more than enough!

When I allowed the pain to depress me, I'd have thoughts like - remember when I climbed up the cargo net in the Dirty Girl Race? I couldn't do that now. Will I ever be able to do it again? Look at those people dancing, running, driving, shopping, laughing, etc. Will I ever be able to enjoy life again like them?

I've learned how being able to be active and mobile, being able to take care of yourself and others, is where life's joy is found. I'm craving it back so badly!

I'm choosing to push the depression aside, believing instead this procedure will free me. I will focus on recovery, not on the risks. I will remember my gratitude and when able, share and serve with others to the best of my ability.

Bring on Friday, put me under, stick those instruments into my spine and get me moving again! I don't want to lose out on life any longer than I have to. 

Fearing The Pain

I met with my neurologist and reviewing my MRI results he informs me I have a herniated disc at L5 S1. He immediately rises from his seat and tells me he needs to consult with a neurosurgeon immediately.

I'm left alone in the room, staring at the computer screen, looking at that dark mess where it should be white. The pain I have been feeling is definitely there in black and white magnetic imagery.

Wait - did he say neurosurgeon as in surgery? BACK SURGERY??!! 

My right foot and calf are numb. Its not from breathing too fast as suggested by the ER doctor. Its because my nerve has been pushed away from where it needs to be and there's a sticky mess all over the place. There's a very real reason for my excruciating pain and I'm terrified.

It takes a night for my shock to wear off and I come to the conclusion, I'm more afraid of this pain than I am of having my back cut into and my spine touched. I want this to be done. I want to be on the road to recovery. I don't want to fear this pain and feel like I'm made of glass.

I met Dr. Rust today and I want a microdisectomy. On Dec 21st he will make a small incision, drill a small hole and clean up my painful problem. If I don't choose surgery, I can try to live on pain medications for up to a year and see if my body removes the disc material. This long process means my nerve will be out of place and I will most likely never regain feeling in my foot. My body could also end up calcifying the disc material, leaving me with no choice but to have my spine fused together. I need to choose this surgery. There is no other option for me.

I hate having to wait a little over a week. I wanted Dr. Rust to operate on me today. I'm finding myself terrified of the pain. I don't know if I have the endurance to make it. Yes, I'm on real pain medication now, no more self medicating with Advil, but I still have a very vivid memory of the hell I've been through. The oxycodone takes the edge off, but my body is still letting me know, my nerve is seriously pissed off!

As much as I want this operation as soon as possible, I have anxiety about the recovery. Will it hurt worse? Will my nerve go back and my foot come alive once again?

I'm depressed about not being able to take care of my family and my work responsibilities. I haven't been able to do much to get ready for Christmas. Will I even be able to enjoy Christmas?

I know this surgery is the pathway towards recovery and I have to find patience. I'm still frightened of the unknown and the realization I'm not controlling this one. 

No Mercy Health Support

After my latest fall, I found myself in my doctor's office. My right leg hamstrings were screaming angry. I knew I must have messed up something serious. My doctor prescribed a muscle relaxer and sent me home.

Tuesday morning I got up and fell again, this time in excruciating pain, unable to put any weight on my leg, unable to move at all. My screams scared the boys quickly out of bed. They brought me the phone and I called for my husband to come home from work.

My husband carried me to the chiropractor and I was grateful after that first adjustment, I could at least shuffle my feet. The pain never went away entirely however.

Thursday morning I had to call my husband home again. I have experienced 44 hours of labor and 20 minutes of pushing out an almost 10 pound baby. I have experienced passing kidney stones. The pain I experienced Thursday was like nothing I could have imagined. I screamed most of Thursday and when I could form words, I asked for God to take me. The pain was consuming me. I felt I was in hell. My husband and family were the only reasons I was choosing to fight on.

Calling my doctor, the nurse told me to call 911 and go to the Emergency room rather than an Urgent Care center. Her logic was they would call my neurologist down for a consult. I choose to skip the expensive ambulance and my husband drove me to the ER.

When we arrived at Mercy Hospital ER, no one was there. No receptionist, no one in the waiting room, no one around anywhere!! For a long 5-10 minutes, I cried and whaled, as we contemplated now calling 911. Where the hell was everyone? The receptionist finally showed up and checked us in. I was brought to an ER room where in tremendous pain, I could not sit or lay down. I could only stand up and bend over the sink.

After waiting forever, I was given a percocet and shot of anti-inflammatory and sent home. The pain was still present and I was in agony.  I was only given a prescription for a day's worth of oxycodone. They told my husband my foot was numb because I was breathing too fast. They never called neurology for me.

Thursday night the pain became worse and I really wanted to die, thinking nothing could take me from this misery. We called the ER doctor back and all she said was, "It should be working. We've done all we could do for you."


Friday morning I called my regular doctor's office to follow up as instructed by the ER doctor. My regular doctor was closed. The answering service refused to put me through to the doctor on call. I called the ER at Mercy and told them I couldn't see my regular doctor to get a regular prescription for pain relief. The ER doctor refused to refill the order for the weekend to get me to Monday. Saturday, I ran out of prescription pain killers and resorted to taking Advil.

It was Tuesday before an MRI was done of my spine. Wednesday I learned I have a herniated disc at L5 S1. The sticky, jelly like material that is suppose to cushion my vertebrae had oozed out all over pushing my nerve out of place in the process. This is why I can't feel my foot and part of my calf and why I have excruciating pain in my upper leg and lower back.

I am very frustrated with how I was treated at the Mercy Emergency room. Why they didn't x-ray or scan me that day I don't understand. I feel like they viewed me as a drug abuser trying to score.

I am equally frustrated with my doctor's answering service for not putting me through even to a nurse when I asked.

I did call my doctor on Monday and complain. What good it did, I don't know.

I understand policies are in place to prevent medications from being abused, but I feel like I've been abused in the process. After experiencing such a depth of pain, I cannot understand why we don't do more to help people. 

My Health Battle Continues

I've been struggling. I'm writing this for me. I understand how its not uplifting to be around a depressed person, so I don't expect this to be read. So why write it? Because somehow when I write it out, instead of all the negativity bouncing around inside my being, it is released through the words, and I feel I can move forward.

I don't know if I'm experiencing side effects of the medication, (Tegretol), or if I'm having more neurological symptoms. I'm having trouble swallowing. Anything small often gets stuck. I seem to be able to swallow but then I feel it get stuck on the way down.

For awhile now my left hand drops things unexpectedly. I wouldn't describe it as a weakness, but rather when I'm holding something without me being aware of it, my hand just gives out for a brief second, and I drop what I'm trying to hold onto. Sometimes it happens when I'm trying to grab something, and I can't seem to get my fingers to work correctly.

More troubling is the fact I'm falling. Without any warning, in full stride, my left leg disappears, and I'm a one legged woman going from vertical to horizontal, down hard. I'm not tripping on anything. Its as if my left foot and leg are not there. It happens for a split second but without the nerve messages firing to my brain, my left leg and foot do not work.

I'm grateful I haven't broken anything. For the most part, I've always landed correctly to avoid injury, however last night I fell walking Rigby in the dark. I couldn't get my knee down to do my usual brace my fall and then roll move. Incorrectly, my arms came down first, so today I'm very sore.

It makes me angry at first, but then I'm overwhelmed with fear. What if I break a bone next fall? What if I hit my head? What if this happens to me at work or when I'm around strangers. I'll die of embarrassment!

The medication I'm on for my trigeminal neuralgia is a nerve blocker. It has taken away the paralyzing, lightening strikes of pain on my face, but could this be causing me to be dropping things and falling?

I'm also concerned about my blood work. Although it seems my liver is holding up to the medication, my lymphocyte level is still low. A low lymphocyte count could be an indication of MS or Guillain-Barre syndrome. With these neurological disorders, the sodium channels are blocked so nerves don't fire properly. Ironically, the medication I'm on for Trigeminal Neuralgia is a sodium blocker. So is my medication causing my symptoms or could I possibly have MS or GBS? People with MS often develop TN so that has me wondering if I have MS. 

It's a confusing puzzle for me. I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor as to whether I should make another appointment for testing.

What If I Had Been Unschooled

I know I was born an autodidact. Unfortunately, those responsible for loving and nurturing me as I grew didn't.

My mother brought me to preschool, and I made it through one day. Kindergarten she felt she had no choice. She had to make me go. I remember crying wanting to be home with her.

Kindergarten also meant no more freedom, no more safety. I didn't want to trace letters. Why can't I paint this "S" in red if I feel like it? That 5th grader stole my Indian headdress and you won't help me retrieve it?


I learned to survive, I needed to play the good student and give them the performance they expected, but when I was free, I was nose deep in the weeds imagining I was a higher life form, watching a tiny imaginary community. I had a rich fantasy life to balance out the conformity I was forced to spend most of my waking hours in.

Outdoors I lived in the giant lilac bushes in the backyard and climbed the crab apple trees. Indoors my mom would find me curled up in the hallway with encyclopedias. My favorite was the human body volume with the overlapping transparent pages showing the many organs, muscles and skeletal system that's inside each and every one of us. In my free time, I was exercising my autodidact, unschooling.

Unfortunately as I grew into adolescence and young adulthood, my free time became less and less. Rather than listen to my inner autodidact, I tried to figure out how to best fulfill the role everyone expected of me.

My inner autodidact went dormant. Not waking up until children of my own set off the alarm. I desired a better life for them. I wanted them to be free and in turn they freed me, waking up my natural, inner desire to learn as much as she could from the world around me. I had to model how to be an autodidact if I wanted them to embrace this freedom.

But what if I had been raised free, following my natural motivation? How would my life be different? I can't help but wonder.

Would I have been been a horticulturalist having chosen to spend so much time in the garden? Would my fascination with the human body have led me to the medical field? Would I have meshed the two interests together and become an herbalist?

I believe I wouldn't have been so concerned about living up to the expectations of others. I feel I would have had more confidence and been less afraid, if I was allowed to learn naturally. I would have been more focused on developing my strengths instead of always having my weaknesses continually pointed out to me.

I would have had less emotional wounds to heal from, which would have allowed for more opportunities for joy and stewardship. Its hard to heal a wound when someone keeps picking at the scab. I had wounds that didn't heal until I had a family of my own, to love me unconditionally.

I wish I could go back in time, staying home with my wonderful, artistic mother. Maybe then I would trust and not judge my ability to color and decorate the world around me. I wish I could have strengthened the relationships I shared with people around me instead of being pushed into competition and rank.

Living and learning in a environment where you are loved unconditionally truly brings out the greatest growth in a person. I'm just thankful I found this lifestyle and God brought me loving people to share it with. I'm grateful I found this better path before it was too late. I'm grateful over time, I deschooled and began to trust myself, and trust my children. 

Happy Halloween!

Here is the yearly pumpkin carving project. DS13 wanted to make a pumpkin eating a pumpkin, eating a pumpkin. I thought DS17's pumpkin looked like the annoying orange, but that wasn't who he was going for. We were surprised at how thick the pumpkin rind was. The farm we get our pumpkins from always has great pumpkins and gourds. Given our drought this summer, I'm amazed at how thick these pumpkins are.

We cleaned out the seeds and soaked them over night in sea salt. They are roasting in the oven now and smell so good. I almost didn't save them for roasting, but the boys talked me into it.

We have a bucket of 1000 Dum Dum suckers plus a bag of tootsie rolls ready to go. We usually get around 200 trick or treaters because our home lies in the path linking two neighborhoods together. The boys feel too old to go trick or treating so they are in charge of handing out candy and making sure Rigby doesn't get out the door!

I have to work tonight, but I'm thinking it is going to be really slow. Many parents won't bring their kids to swim lessons because they'll be trick or treating. Some were surprised we weren't closing, but not all families trick or treat. Since my boys won't be going out tonight, I don't mind working. We'll probably end up watching scary movies after I get home. Hope your Halloween is happy and safe!

Unschooling Ribgy - Puppy Update 9/21/12

Unschooling Rigby - Puppy update for 9/21/12

September 21st, 10:04

Current Mood:

calm

Step by step, things are falling into place and our anxiety levels are lowering.

Since bringing Rigby home last Saturday, he's had soft, bloody stool. I called the vet on Monday, and they wanted to see him Thursday. I was told they preferred to wait 7 days from when you picked him up, thinking he needed time to adjust to his new home.

Tuesday night he gave us a scare. He was lethargic and his breathing seemed labored. I freaked out. I was completely attached heart and soul to this pup, and the thought of him not making it was too much for me to bare. I called the vet and said we had to come in sooner than Thursday.

Wednesday morning they got us in first thing. His stool tested positive for Giardia. In hindsight, I should have demanded the vet see us Monday. They gave us medicine and Ribgy very quickly has responded. His stool is firming up and the blood is gone. He isn't going as often either.

Crate training- Many have suggested we crate train. The first night, we kept his crate by our bed. He whined until we figured out we had to make the room completely dark. We expected him to whine when he had to go to the bathroom. He didn't. DH woke up around 4:00am to the aroma. The poop was all over Rigby, the crate and our floor.

The second night we moved the crate to the kitchen/dining area. Whining amped up to howling. He was not whining because he had to go potty. He just did not want to be in the crate.

On the third night, I decided to sleep on the couch and not crate him. I hoped the rest of the family could sleep. Rigby did awesome. He laid down between the couch and the ottoman and fell asleep. I was able to get up around midnight and move to my bed. So now we are not crating him. He has free reign of the kitchen/dining/living room area, and he seems happy. He will curl up on his make shift dog bed, (its a chair pad) and sleep hard. We say goodnight, leave him, and he is fine.

We take him out very often. He's getting a lot of exercise.  I think this is why he sleeps so deeply. Potty training is coming along too. When we see him potty outside, we praise him and give him a treat. Yesterday he peed and then turned and looked directly at me with this look on his face. It read - Did you see me? I peed! I gave him praise and he ran up to me so happy. I know he is starting to understand. He's now taking care of his potty needs outside more often than inside.

As a condition of buying him, we had to take him to a certain vet. Now that we have met that obligation, I will be looking for a new vet. I didn't like waiting for Ribgy's first appointment, especially when we saw bloody stool. When I mentioned I had concerns about the amount of scratching he was doing, the vet asked, "Have you bathed him?" Well, yeah. He had poop all over himself that first night home. He said Rigby's dry skin was because we had given him a bath. It was basically a warm water bath, no soap.

I was hoping for advice on how to relieve puppy dry skin. Give him oils? No baths? Really? The shampoo I made him has apple cider vinegar which should be good to restore his PH. I remember when my son had severe dry skin our doctor said frequent baths actually helped if you followed up with skin lotion.  For now, we're skipping the urge to bathe him. We wipe him down with towels if he gets into something he shouldn't. I'm hoping our new vet will have better advice.

Shortly after bringing him home, it began to overwhelm us. We all had that feeling in the pit of our stomachs. What have we gotten ourselves into? Will our life feel relaxed again? The lack of sleep did not help. There was so much to teach him!

I decided to take an unschooling, relaxed approach, which has always been our family's learning style. Once I focused on one thing at a time, and on the moment at hand, I began to relax and feel this was going to work out. We had lots of advice from our friends and family, but I tuned into Rigby's needs and how we could best meet them. Taking it one concern at a time, and not thinking about how much we had to accomplish helped.

Tomorrow it will be one week since he's been a part of our family. Today he is 12 weeks old. We may have many expectations for our Rigby, but we have time to take it slow and enjoy his puppyhood.

Meet My Therapy Dog, Rigby

Meet My Therapy Dog, Rigby!

September 17th, 11:33

Current Mood:

anxious

He's not technically a therapy dog, but I will tell you, since bringing him home, I haven't noticed my TN very much. I've been too busy!! I'm actually very surprised bringing home Rigby hasn't triggered my attacks due to the stress and severe lack of sleep.

DO NOT LET THIS PHOTO FOOL YOU!  He's not sleeping through the night. Just like a new baby, he's up all night, needing our attention. He is not yet 3 months old. I'm hoping he really will grow out of this phase. I'm sure once he does, I will miss his cute teeny tiny-ness.

Our family has been thinking about getting a Pembroke Corgi for quite awhile now. This wasn't an impulse buy, although finding him feels impulsive. I had just about given up being able to find an available Corgi, when he became available. We had started looking at shelter dogs, but quickly realized we needed our dog to have a good temperament to begin with to make the transition easier for our kitty.

I'm pleased with how well it is going with Yumi. She seems to tolerate him but she does have the high ground. Rigby is low and can't jump or climb stairs yet. When Yumi needs to, she can get away into the Game Cave, or she watches him from on top of her chair. Last evening they were even sleeping within 3 feet of one another.
Wait, did I say Rigby was sleeping?

Over nights have been the greatest challenge. We've tried the crate in our room, the crate out of our room. Tonight I'll give the family ear plugs and we'll try no crate, or maybe go back to crate in our room. Its hard to figure out. He doesn't seem to be whining to tell us he needs to go potty. He's had plenty of puppy accidents. Our noses tell us its time to clean his crate. It doesn't seem to bother him and he'll just go.

We will have to take baby steps with our new baby. I think trying to potty train, crate train, collar train all at once is expecting too much. I'm sure we'll get there, and one day he'll be our walking companion as I dream he'll be.

After this stressful weekend, I've decided this week we're just going to relax and settle in. Its a big change for our family. He is a dog, not a baby, but its a big change. We're all feeling a little anxious, and I know that doesn't help Rigby feel at home.

Not My Mother's Potato Soup

Not My Mother's Potato Soup

September 14th, 12:06

Current Mood:

creative

I have a special relationship with potato soup. It was homemade potato soup that gave me the stamina to survive 44 hours of childbirth labor. My mother had made a wonderful batch of potato soup the day we awaited my son's arrival. Potato soup was all I could stomach and keep down. Potato soup is comfort to me. I enjoy my mother's potato soup immensely, however I decided to make a version that would speak to who I was.

I found a recipe through Pinterest for Garlic Potato soup that inspired me. It gave me the opportunity to use fresh potatoes harvested from my garden and garlic we had grown ourselves.

I did not discover the taste of garlic until I left my mother's nest. My mom doesn't like it so she never used it preparing our meals. As a bird out on my own, my first slice of garlic toast I was smitten with it. I've cooked with garlic and eventually found myself eating it raw for the health benefits. I can't imagine my life without garlic.

I was excited to grow it in my garden. I grew several varieties including elephant garlic which I decided to try in this recipe. Elephant garlic is not quite as strong and sharp, it's more sweet. It ended up working in this soup nicely. Elephant garlic is huge. One clove is the size of a small bulb of regular garlic.

The potatoes I grew were white, with thin tender skins. I decided to leave the skins on for added nutrition and they cooked up very well. The soup's texture is creamy without having to add cream.

I started with homemade turkey stock. I finely diced the veggies and threw them in. I brought the soup to a boil and cooked with the lid on for 15 minutes. Once the veggies were tender, I removed the bouquet garni and  reduced the heat. Using an immersion blender, I blended just a bit, still leaving a few good chunky bits because that's how I like it. I seasoned with a bit of pepper, another ingredient my mother has an aversion to. I felt the soup didn't need salt, but that's my taste buds. After giving up salt for health reasons, I can taste more flavors from the veggies.

- 1 quart of turkey stock, (add additional water if needed to cover veggie and potatoes)
-4 carrots, diced
-2 celery ribs, diced
-1 large onion, diced
-2 gloves of elephant garlic, diced (If using regular garlic, use more than 2. Elephant garlic is much larger.)
-about 8 potatoes, chopped
1 bouquet garni - these are little bundles of spices you bundle together in cheesecloth to flavor soups. My mom makes and gives these as gifts.
- Pepper to taste

I'm planning on putting away more homemade soups so I have something to reach for on those busy nights when I get home from work.

5 Positive Thoughts

5 Positive Thoughts

September 11th, 9:54

Current Mood:

optimistic

My friend has encouraged me to share 5 positive things in my life today. This is a challenge for me, because it feels like I don't have much choice today, and that lack of choice always limits my positivity. Most of my day today will be spent not as I would like it to be, but I can still look for the positive.

1. I woke up early, but I woke up without face pain. To have my face smooshed into my pillows and not feel discomfort was wonderful. I will remember that I had that pain free moment, on a morning I'm not so fortunate. I will use that memory to fuel my hope for more pain free mornings.

2. The windows are open. Cool breezes are blowing through my Sleepyhouse and it feels wonderful after such a hot summer. I'll gladly put on a pair of slippers to keep those windows open and the fresh air flowing.

3. I have access to health care. I found myself worrying about what would happen if my husband was laid off and we lost our health insurance coverage once again. I shouldn't do that, worry about what could happen. At this moment, we have it, and my health issues are being supported. I'm grateful for that, and I will not worry about losing coverage. I will use this opportunity to take care of my medical needs now and not put anything off for later. I will take care of myself so I can take care of my family.

4. My fall lettuce is sprouting! After a disappointing summer harvest due to our drought, I didn't give up. After harvesting potatoes, I looked down at the newly cleaned up garden bed and I couldn't resist. Hope returned, and I sprinkled lettuce and spinach seeds. My new garden babies are poking through the dirt! I'm beginning to fantasize about future green salads with dried cherry tomatoes.

5. If my schedule permits, I will be pushing outside my comfort zone this weekend. My sister is challenging me to take part in a fashion show. Since I've decided this is my year to be fearless, I think I'll do it. The fashion show is hosted by a women's clothing store and will feature all real women customers as the models. We'll get 40% off if we want to buy our outfit. I think a runway walk would be a fun addition to my bucket list.

Discussing Politics With Our Unschooled Future Voters

Discussing Politics With Our Unschooled Future Voters

September 10th, 10:53

Current Mood:

contemplative

Whether I like it or not, my children are exposed to politics and questions are popping up. My husband has watched both conventions, and I watched as much as I could. (I have to keep my stress level down these days.) I've noticed the boys have been watching too.

I was a bit concerned when our boys thought our country only has two political parties. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The media has branded that very well. I ran the list off of other known parties, and they were shocked to discover there were so many more. They wanted to know why we only see and hear about the two.

Questions popped up as to which party do you belong to and who are you voting for. DH & I both explained how we are not registered with any party, so we're what the media calls Independent. We don't vote for any candidate because he or she belongs to a particular party. We don't vote for who has payed for the most commercials or who employees the best speech writers. We don't vote for who has more money. Our vote is never swayed based on signs appearing in my neighbor's yard or on bumper stickers.  Our vote is not based on the candidate who robot calls our home the most, although its very tempting to NOT vote for anyone who robot calls our phone!! We recycle every political postcard we get in the mail WITHOUT caring what it says. We never allow marketing to influence us.

We told our children, we vote based on our own research, after we find a candidate who shares the same ideals as we do. You have to look for the facts as well as review a person's history. You have to keep in mind every politician is going to say what you want to hear to get your vote, so you have to be able to use your mind and think through that motivation.

You should never vote for someone, just because someone you know endorses that candidate. You always need to think for yourself and make your own decision based on your research, not someone else's. You also need to respect the choices of others, even when they are not your own. If you respect someone, you honor their ability to make up their own mind and you don't feel you have to sway them to your way of thinking. A true friend doesn't try to change who you are, but rather accepts you just as you are.

We have witnessed some hateful behavior during this political season. I know it reflects back to those who are spreading it, and I wish I could help my children understand why people make disrespectful choices, but I can't. I'm grateful my children understand that lying, name calling, bigotry and other disrespectful behaviors are not what our family values.

I Don't Want To Play On The Teeter Totter

I Don't Want To Play On The Teeter Totter

dawninger

September 6th, 20:08

I'm having to push myself up, and I so easily seem to be falling down, just when I arrive at my high. I need to put on my glasses and see who exactly is sitting on the other end of this?

I met and felt very comfortable with my new dermatologist. I looked forward to scheduling a follow up appointment to remove a few barnacles of my life. She caught me completely off guard when she announced she had the time to do the procedures NOW!!!

WHAT???  NOW???? EEKK!!! I'm not ready.

Wait, I'm suppose to be fearless and 44. Lead me to the procedure room. Let's do this!

The numbing needles felt, well, like nothing. On my back I literally felt absolutely nothing. No pin prick, no burning. On my scalp, barely a pin prick and then nothing. Then I remembered. I have a new pain threshold tolerance thanks to trigeminal neuralgia. I should have told the doctor to skip the numbing and just go at it with her scalpel.

Feeling pretty good now that its over and it was pain free, I headed home and picked up the mail. I truly expected to open the envelope from the mammogram center and read everything was fine with the girls. Note to self - ONLY OPEN LETTERS FROM MEDICAL CENTERS WHEN THE OFFICE IS STILL OPEN.

Ahhh... maybe I can see now. That's anxiety girl sitting on the other end of my teeter totter. Anxiety girl is freaking out she's being asked to schedule a more detail imaging scan.

Remember Dawn - Fearless and 44. Plenty of women get called back and it turns out to be nothing to worry about.

I'm hopping off the teeter totter and slamming Anxiety girl on her ass.

Ran Away To Enjoy The Day

Ran Away To Enjoy The Day

dawninger

September 1st, 19:20

Current Mood:

cheerful

I ran away today. I have lots to do, and I should have stayed put, but I needed to run away.

My family joined me. We found a flea market where we bought a game of Trivial Pursuit for a $1 and a collectable bottle of Coke for DS16's collection. DH saw a cute rooster napkin holder and just as he pointed it out to me and said, "Look at that rooster," a woman snatched it up before we could reach it. We had a little laugh about it.

Next to the flea market was a huge antique store. DS13 found two military patches he liked. The patches were labeled, describing what they were for, but the clerk removed the labels when we paid for them and now we can't remember what they were issued for. We'll have to do some internet research. He wants me to stitch the patches onto his hoodie, but I better find out what these patches mean first and if it would be okay to do so.

There was another huge anitque mall across the street, but we were overwhelmed and spent. We'll plan for another weekend outing to that store.

We hit up several used movie, CD, game stores and then enjoyed a "Lupper", (lunch-supper).

There was a brief, but beautiful rain shower. It smelled so good and the rain was cool and refreshing. The puddles dried up too quickly.

We're going to put our feet up tonight and tomorrow we'll get back on task.

MRI Report

MRI Report

dawninger

August 31st, 14:55

Current Mood:

determined

The aliens have completed their testing on me. They called today to let me know,  http://youtu.be/OaTO8_KNcuo

I knew the MRI was going to be loud and claustrophobic, but I asked for ear plugs, and I shut my eyes before being pushed in. You wouldn't think you had to go in so far when its just your brain they are looking at, but they push you in up to your waist. The tube isn't wide enough for your arms, so they have to sit up on your chest a bit. I crossed mine and did my best vampire pose, eyes shut. The technician attached a mirror to my head cradle if I wanted to look out, but that is disorienting as well, so I did best just keeping my eyes shut and focusing on breathing.

The machine is loud. You first hear the magnet zooming around and it almost sounds like a heartbeat. It was easy for me to imagine I was safe, in the womb, but then the machine proceeds to make much louder, strange noises. For awhile I thought I was at a horrible rock concert with the guitarist strumming the same note over and over, again and again.

They pulled me out and injected me with aquatic creature residue, aka, contrast. I did have a slight metallic taste in my mouth, but it wasn't too bad. I knew there was going to be chocolate in my future, so I could put up with it.

Back in I went for another round, although it didn't last as long as the first series. I was just happy the loud noise didn't trigger my TN.

The nurse from my nuerologist called and said I do have several blood vessels that are sitting up against my trigeminal nerve. I'm choosing to be positive. Its not a tumor. Its not MS. Its several blood vessels bullying my nerves. I will have a follow up appointment in October and for now, they are keeping me on Tegretol, which I'm thankful, has taken the edge off for me.

I am continuing to use healing meditations and relaxation to encourage my body to HEAL ITSELF!!  The way I see it, I've had these blood vessels all of my life. My nerves needs to restore their myelin protective coating and be happy once again. I'm not giving them any other choice. GET TO HEALING NERVE CELLS!!

Not Feeling Very Positive At The Moment

Not Feeling Very Positive At The Moment

dawninger

August 28th, 20:49

Current Mood:

exhausted

I keep re-reading the last paragraph of my last post, trying to get that vibe back into my soul. I'm not feeling upbeat and positive today. I'm starting to wonder if feeling a little down, for a short while, is actually okay. Maybe I'm like a spring that needs to be pushed down before jumping up higher?

Maybe I'm sleep deprived? Too nervous to sleep before the doctor appointments last night, and then I was robbed of a few more precious hours this morning. DH locked himself out and when I didn't hear the doorbell, he pounded on our bedroom window at 5:30am. I was having a stressful dream, (evil parents trying to control their children), and the pounding only made my heart race faster. There was no going back to sleep after that.

Being able to work from home this week, I decided to start today at 5:30am since I was already up. The house was really quiet and my work did not distract me from noticing every little nerve attack in my face. I worked over 8 hours, noticing just how often I was getting attacks. I'm grateful they were low level attacks, and I could work right through them, but their frequency depressed me. I tried putting on music, but I still found myself making a mental connection to every attack.

It has to be because I'm sleep deprived and this has me feeling low. If I were more rested, I bet I could distract my attention from these mini TN attacks.

I keep seeing the neurologist's face when I told him I didn't want to only treat my TN symtoms, I intend to heal my nerves and be cured. He looked at me like I was a fool. At the time, I felt deviant. This guy's a moron, I told myself. I will heal my nerves and be cured!

I do think I need to find a new neurologist who I click better with and who is willing to be on my team positive!

I need to sleep tonight too.

And not dream about parents in an evil cult. I'm currently too busy trying to be my own superhero.

Awkward,Annoying, At Least They're Over With For Today! (Doctor visits)

Awkward, Annoying, At Least They're Over With For Today! (Doctors Visits)

dawninger

August 27th, 15:22

Current Mood:

hopeful

I made it. Its now the afternoon, and I can relax and look forward to spending the rest of the day with my nest mates. For the record I slept very little last night, so I will most likely crash out early.

I saw my general practioner for my annual physical. We have new insurance and our clinic has switched out doctors. I did meet our new GP when he diagnosed my trigeminal neuralgia last month, which I'm grateful he was able to do, being a small town doctor. Today was my first annual physical with him though. I got the impression he doesn't do many pap smears each day. He seemed really nervous, more than me!! Up until this point he's always been cool, calm and friendly. Why was my vagina so scary? LOL!

He called a nurse into the room, which I didn't feel was necessary, but whatever. I'm 44. I've had plenty of poking and proding over the years. I don't take it personal. I see it as an uncomfortable necessity of life to stay healthy. I lost a dear cousin to ovarian cancer because she avoided these types of doctor visits. After that loss, I promised myself I would take care of myself for the sake of my family.

After my physical, it was time to head to the neurologist to discuss my TN. This is where my day gets annoying insead of awkward if you're keeping track. The nurse was pleasant, but when the neurologist entered, it went down hill. His bedside manner meter = zip, nada, zero. He typed into the computer his notes the entire time rather than actively listening to me. I felt like I was dictating to him, always unsure if he was hearing me and keeping up with what I was reporting.

He ordered an MRI, with and without contrast, and then I'll meet with him again. When I tried to ask about alternative therapies, he said, "There's nothing you can do. You will have this the rest of your life. We don't know why it happens, and there is no cure. We can treat you with medications and nerve blocks."

I challenged that and asked about B vitamins, chiropractor adjustments, accupunture, myofacial release, etc and his response, "If you want to try it. Go ahead. If it won't harm you, try it."

I was disappointed he did not offer any of these suggestions and it was me who had to bring them up. I've been researching this condition since being diagnosed by my GP last July, and I have learned more on my own than I've learned from this neurologist. I'm so glad I'm an autodidact!!

I will have the MRI, meet with him one more time, and then decide if I'm staying with this dude. I will be looking into alternative therapies because I'm not interested in only treating the symptoms, but my goal is healing.

I left this negative experience with the thought, I can still choose to be positive. I will not allow anyone to bring me down. I can be friendly, caring and loving despite being judged. I am blessed with wonderfully supportive, loving people in my life from which I can model this lifestyle. I'm going for it!

Night Before Doctor Visit Jitters - 8/26/12

I should be trying to sleep, but I have too much anxiety about seeing doctors tomorrow, first my GP then the neurologist.

I hate physicals. I understand they are important, but I just feel so uncomfortable. My doctor's office is always really hot, which doesn't help. Laying on the paper which sticks to me every time I attempt to move, I can't help but feel like a piece of meat.

I'm sure I'm going to be too self conscious, to remember to ask about all the things I want to bring up. Hopefully I don't forget my notebook, where I've jotted some things down I want to cover.

The nurse will give me a hard time about how I'm overdue for my boob smoosh and vaccinations, but frankly, I've been too concerned about my recent trigeminal neuralgia diagnosis. I wish I could skip the physical and just pow wow with the neurologist.

I've been keeping a notebook recording my symptoms. I thought that would help, but sometimes it freaks me a little. The level 8-9 attacks are practically gone, and I can count on my hands how many times I reach 5-7 levels each week, but I'm still having episodes that feel like 3's or other types of symptoms.

Sometimes it feels like I've been poked with a needle repeatably in my mouth and it feels stiff, like when your novacaine shot wears off and the gum tissue feels achy. That lasts sometimes all day long.  Sometimes I feel pain in my left nostril in addition to my cheek and jaw. I've had moments of tinglying from the back of my head wrapping around to my left face, or sometimes its just the left half of my lips experiencing a pins and needles sensation. I've also noticed the hearing in my left ear seems to be affected.

I've also developed triggers. When this first started for me, it would happen with no rhyme or reason. Sometimes that is still the case, but now I notice eating and laughing can cause attacks for me. I'm sensitive to hot or cold food and drink. Loud noises trigger my TN too.

If I get tired, it gets worse.

If I am stressed, it gets worse.

So I really shouldn't be up now, worrying about my doctor visits right!!

It is helping to get the worries out of my head, and type them into the glowing, rectangle facing me right now.

My goal tomorrow is not to worry about being judged. My goal is information. I have to focus on that.

If you're read this far, thank you. I'm going to try and do some relaxing meditations and hopefully I will fall asleep. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

Peace and love to you!

Lasagna Roll Ups

I finally got around to making the lasagna roll up recipe I saw on Pinterest. Supposedly it only has around 225 calories per lasagna noodle roll up.

The rest of my family does not eat lasagna, but I love it. I needed something I could freeze and heat up for nights I work. It came together pretty easy, but the next time I make this, I'll use more veggies in addition to the spinach. I'm thinking chopped, roasted tomatoes, garlic, summer squash, would be nice additions. I sprinkled pepper into the spinach cheese mixture and then sprinkled garlic powder on top. Next time I'll boost up the seasonings, using Italian herbs and more garlic.

Recipe:
9 cooked lasagna noodles, drain and lay to dry on a clean kitchen towel
10 oz package of frozen spinach, thawed and drained
15 oz package non-fat ricotta cheese
1/2 C parmesan cheese
1 egg
32 oz tomato sauce
9 T mozzarella cheese- I'll admit, I probably used more.

-Preheat oven to 350

-Ladle 9 x 11 pan with about 1 cup of tomato sauce, reserving the rest to pour over the roll ups

-Mix together the spinach, ricotta, parmesan and egg

-Lay out each lasagna noodle on a piece of wax paper and spread 1/3 cup of spinach mixture onto noodle

-Roll up the lasagna noodle and place in the baking dish

-Pour remaining tomato sauce over the rolls ups

-Sprinkle 1 T of mozzarella cheese on top of each roll up

-Cover with foil and bake for 40 minutes or until cheese is melted

Weekend Fun 8/19/12

dawninger

August 19th, 19:13

Current Mood:

hopeful

Despite it being a short weekend for me, (I had to work for part of it), I'm having a great time with my family.

G-Ma came for a visit, showing us photos from her recent trip to Ireland. It looks like such a beautiful country, I wish I could visit it one day. She said everyone was so friendly, something we don't often get to experience here.

We attended our cousin's bowling party and had a great time. We'll have to go bowling more often. It had been so long since we last bowled, and I forgotten how fun it is.

We've been watching the Dew Tour, enoying the BMX riding. Of course its motivating DS13 to practice more tricks. I keep hoping and mentioning to him, "Don't break anything!" So far, thankfully he's only broken pedals, tires and his shoes. All of that I can handle. The day he comes in with a limb bent the wrong way, I'm going to pass out.

I had a surprise visit from my sister and niece. My niece has invited us to a Halloween party this October, and we discussed trying to get together at least monthly to go hiking and explore. I love having something to look forward to, and I'm not going to worry about if I will feel up to it. I'm just going to plan like I will be well enough to enjoy it.

In the spirit of not worrying about how I'm going to feel down the road, I booked a family trip to the next Unschoolers Waterpark Gathering in February. We've attended the last few years, and have really enjoyed it. I know its given all of us something to look forward to.

I have a feeling this upcoming week is going to go by quickly, which is something else I'm looking forward to.

44 And Fearless

Here's a photo of me with the new haircut as promised. I had let 8 months go by without getting a trim. I'm vowing not to let that happen again, and I won't be afraid of hairdressers who cut too much off. I had decided it was time I do something for myself, and my new motto is to be 44 and fearless.

My family gave me a wonderful birthday last weekend. They made a card which was hilarious, gave me thoughtful gifts and fed me tasty food.

We have a tradition in our family to make homemade cards for one another. It started when we decided store bought cards lacked creativity and humor and just weren't worth the cost of $3-$4. My card this year was a Facts Of Life card, complete with photos of Blair and Natalie. It cracked me up.

My family picked out a beautiful cermanic lantern for me. I have a lantern collection, and now I need to figure out how to best hang them. I also received beautiful, sparkling crystal rings from each of my sons.

I began my new year feeling pretty good, but my motto was tested Tuesday when unexpectedly, trigeminal neuralgia slammed me across the face with its electrified baseball bat. I hadn't experienced an attack at that pain level in several weeks. I was back in bed, curled up, praying it would stop in time for me to drive to work. Thankfully it did, but I've had aftershocks, and I'm back on pain meds.

When I'm in the throws of pain, unable to function, its easy to become overwhelmed with fear. The challenge is becoming not so much how do I make this pain go away- the reality is it won't. The real challenge is how do I relax and not tense up in fear.

I do believe being afraid of the pain, makes it worse. Doctors are studying this as the nocebo effect, when a patient is told of side effects of drugs, or that a procedure will be painful, it does cause the patient to experience those side effects or feel increased pain. I believe fearing my pain, makes it worse, so I'm going to try to relax more and not be afraid.

I'm adding meditation and relaxation to my treatment plan. I did so before going to sleep last night, and I slept almost 11 hours without pain medication!! No surprise my TN is feeling much better today.

Fearless and 44, that is me. Yes, I will be tested, but I know what it is I need to do to make the fear disappear.

Moving quickly to the lifeboats from this sinking ship. I'm sure I'll figure out how to row my new blogging homes, http://dawninger.livejournal.com/ and http://dawninger.blogspot.com/

Rocking My Awesome

I've been spending my last days as a 43 year old superstar with as much awesome as I can muster up. I chopped off 5 inches of my hair. This was drastic for me. I had not cut my hair since November 28, 2011. The hairdresser finished cutting, and I found myself without any hesitation asking her to cut more, go shorter. I normally feel awkward having my hair cut. I had felt spending the money on myself was inconsiderate. Something has changed in me. Cutting my hair and doing something just for me felt right.

Yesterday I took the boys out for lunch and then for a swim. It was such a pleasure having both of my sons wanting to join in. We haven't been swimming together in a long while. My usually hesitant son had such a great time, he suggested we make this a Friday ritual, enjoying a swim together. Sounds like a great idea to me!

After our swim they agreed to go NOT BACK TO SCHOOL shopping. We found new jeans for only $12 a pair at JCPenneys. It was a treat, being able to actually shop for clothes with my teenaged sons. I wish it would have lasted longer.

I made homemade pizza and homemade cinnamon rolls Friday evening. It's been so long since I've felt well enough to bake, I truly enjoyed it. It wasn't a chore at all. Being in the kitchen again has motivated me to clean it up and re-organize it. I have missed having this productive outlet.

Today I did something completely unexpected. My family had told me about this huge spider, hanging out just over a doorway. The spider's body was about the size of a quarter with long, 2 inch legs creepily clinging to the wall. Normally I would make my husband use a container to capture the freaky thing and set it free outside. (We only crunch and crush if left no other choice.) Without thinking too much about it, I grabbed the container and made the spider jump in. It ran quickly up the side of the container, but I managed to get the lid on instead of dropping it and running for safety.

I have more courage these days, or maybe I'm becoming more impulsive? Either way, I know I'm changing. I don't want to be afraid and live in fear. I'm eager to find joy, even in small things. I've sat outside, inches away from the humming bird feeder and as the little birds come to drink, I feel life is good. I have a painful affliction, but life is beautiful. Sitting within inches of a tiny creature I find miraculous, I believe miracles are being given to me everyday. Life is awesome. I feel awesome. There is a pain in my face, but there's too much fun in this world to allow this pain to define me.

Backup Plan

As you can see from the date of the previous post, I abandoned my blogger years ago to journal on Multiply. With Multiply closing, I'm forced to find a new home for my online thoughts. In hindsight, I wish I would have been backing up all my posts on a second site. This is my plan for moving forward.

I've set up a Livejournal account, and I will do my best to re-post my entries here on blogger.

My Multiply friends and splitting and scattering to the corners of the web-i-verse. I hope to remain in touch with everyone and make new friends in the transition. When one door closes, another opens. If not, I'm ready to break a window!

Everybody is setting up shop in different places. I keep bookmarking all these new blog sites, so hopefully I won't lose touch, but I will miss how easy it was to receive updates in one spot.

Trying out Livejournal, and so far, I'm feeling pretty comfortable. Here's my first post: http://dawninger.livejournal.com/641.html

Multiply is closing, which means I will have to move my blog. Friend me on Facebook, if you haven't already, so we don't lose touch. If you have found a new social blogging site that works well, please let me know. I remember when we all moved from yahoo 360 years ago and now here we go again. www.facebook.com/dawninger

I dreamed I was harvesting potatoes from my garden. The potatoes came out as cute, adorable puppies. After harvesting dozens of puppies, in dream logic, I became horrified, realizing that potatoes came from puppies. There was no way I could kill puppies just to eat potatoes. I have no clue what this dream means. Maybe that I'm not suppose to eat potatoes?

Write For 5 Minutes About Something That Stresses You

I participate in Me, You, Health's daily challenge and today's challenge was to write for 5 minutes about something that stresses you. I thought I'd write in here.

Trigeminal Neuralgia stresses me out.

Trigeminal Neuralgia is known to be one of the most painful conditions to man. Doctors refer to it unofficially as suicide disease because so many people with TN take their lives because the pain is too great to bare.

Your trigeminal nerve comes down your face, with branches spreading out over your forehead, cheek and jawline. In my case, it has attacked the left side of my face.

At its worst, I've been curled up in the fetal position, with the pain level at 9 out of 10. Episodes last anywhere from 20-60 minutes and the frequency of attacks for me varies. The worse series I had was two 40 minute, level 8 attacks within 15 minutes of one another.

When I'm having an attack of that intensity, I can't function. When I can't function it stresses me out. I have high expectations for myself to meet up and exceed my responsibilities. My family, my job, not being able to serve to the best of my capabilities really brings me down.

In addition to being depressed about not being able to function, I walk around in a constant state of anxiety. I never know when the next attack will happen. Will I be home and be able to lay down? Will I be at work and have no choice but to literally grin and bare it while trying to help customers? Once I had an attack while driving. I should have pulled over, but I was stressed about making it to work on time. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I worry about the fact medications only work for a certain length of time. Your body develops a tolerance you see, and eventually, you end up having to take such a high dose of anti-seizure medication you lose muscle function and coordination. I don't want to become a zombie. Zombies don't function too well either, so either way, its lose for me.

Surgery scares me too. The variety of procedures are destructive, and there is always a risk of further complications. Many patients of TN who have had surgery report the pain relief is only temporary and comes back.

I worry about not being able to continue working. My part time income really helps us make ends meet every month.

I stress over making future plans because I don't know how I will be feeling.

I stress over being downer Dawn. No one wants to be around someone depressed and stressed out all the time.

I stress over how this is effecting my family. They have needs of their own. I don't want to diminish the quality of their lives, as the quality of mine slips away.

When I'm having an episode, and the pain overwhelms, it is very easy to understand why no one wants to go through life this way. I wouldn't wish this pain on my enemy. When I'm in that dark moment, it feels like this is too great a burden to carry for a lifetime.

I have to remind myself to be grateful. I have to fight and lift myself up whenever I can, remembering those dark moments are always followed by love and light.

I'm grateful my TN was diagnosed before I needlessly had dental work. Many unfortunate people with TN go through multiple root canals and tooth extractions only to discover the pain is still there.

I'm grateful my small town doctor knew of it and knew to prescribe a certain medication.

I'm grateful Tegretol for now, is bringing me some relief.

I'm grateful this has happened while we have decent health insurance.

I'm grateful to have the support of my husband, family and friends. I really do feel uplifted by their prayers and positive thoughts. I take all that healing energy and move forward as much as I can in between dark times. I know with all that help, I will be able to continue.

I'm grateful for my heavenly Father. In my darkest moments, when I can't feel the love and support of my family & friends, I can still feel God's presence. His love never fails. In the throws of pain, I give each moment of suffering to him and he tells me I will never have to suffer that moment again. It is gone and I'm continually moving forward. Moment by moment, I give them away, never to be suffered again. Before I know it, I'm out of the pain tunnel and back into the light and joy.

So that's my 5 minutes of writing, well maybe a little more, about what is stressing me out lately.  

Pinterest Win! Crusty Bread Goodness

I saw this recipe originally on Pinterest and it sounded too good to be true. Could I really bake artisan bread so easily, without kneading?

The original author suggested using a Le Creuset, enamel coated cast iron pot. I showed my husband the photo on Pinterest and he said, "Buy one." Yes, the appearance of this bread alone holds power.

With his blessing, I went to order a beautiful, blue Le Creuset online, then stopped dead in my tracks. HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS FOR A POT???!!!

I thought about finding a cheaper version until I learned my mother in law had one of these precious Le Creuset pots. She received it as a farewell gift when she retired.

I don't know how I'm not going to tear into this loaf of heaven before the husband returns home. Something tells me I'll be stirring up another loaf tonight, to bake in the morning. 

If you have dental work done, make sure your dentist doesn't use injections that contain vasoconstrictors. Epinephrine is added to prolong numbing, however it is a vasoconstrictor which can damage your nerves. I have no proof, this is what happened to me, but I wish I could go back in time and ask my dentist to use Mepivacaine or Carbocaine. Those two medicines do not contain vasoconstrictors.

First available appointment with a neurologist- end of August. The receptionist asking me what the appointment is for and then saying, "Oh, you poor dear," not helping. Grateful my regular doctor is phoning in a prescription for pain meds. Trigeminal neuralgia, I hate you. I will defeat you!

I want to thank everyone for your prayers and/or uplifting thoughts. Emotionally I feel lifted and physically all of the episodes I've gone through the last 24 hours have been pain level 5 out of 10 or less! That's a great improvement for me! I'm learning new pain relieving techniques, and I'm hopeful I will overcome this. Thank you for your love and support!

One Step Forward, Yanked Two Steps Back

I've been given the opportunity to learn how to function while in extreme pain. The clinical diagnosis is trigeminal neuralia. I know soon, my general practitioner will be referring me to a neurologist because the prescription medicine doesn't appear to be working for me.

At any given moment, without a warning, without a trigger, the left side of my face screams out in electrical, sharp, paralyzing pain. It also attacks the left side of my tongue. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst imaginable, my pain level often reaches 9, and I find myself in the fetal position consumed in misery. Its a pain I wouldn't wish on my enemy.

When I'm not being attacked, I walk around in fear, wondering when the next assault will happen. Will I be home and able to lay down? Will I be at work and have to fight through it to keep a smile on my face for customers? To look at me, you cannot see anything wrong with me. 

There is a high rate of suicide among people afflicted with trigeminal neuralgia. Doctors say this is one of the most painful conditions known to man.

I'm praying I will be cured. I'm praying I will be delivered from this pain. I'm praying I will not fall further into the depression I am now slipping into. 

I'm posting two videos below, mostly for my future reference as I navigate this new challenge in my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYpWgeC3K-s&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypckUpTtXPs&feature=related

My Poor, Poor, Garden

These are suppose to be cucumbers. Our area is going through a drought, so I've been watering everyday. Unfortunately, we're on a city water system, and I believe they add too much chlorine. I have several plants that have gone from thriving to dying even though I've been watering faithfully.

If it wasn't the drought, it was pests. I was trying to be organic and not use chemicals. I attempted to pick off most of the bugs I could by hand, but they just got too numerous for me to keep up with. I know bunnies ate my broccoli, but that wouldn't have grown to maturity in this hot weather.

Its very discouraging, and I find myself questioning whether its worth it to garden. Something inside of me doesn't want to give up though. I did all I could. The weather just didn't cooperate this year.

I plan on reworking the beds and trying for some fall, salad type crops. I can always hope for better weather. 

Feeling sad for my garden. I've been watering everyday, but I'm still losing plants. We've had 100+ temps and no rain for about a month. I've had no choice but to use city water, and I think its too high in chlorine. Maybe I should invest in a filter for my garden hose?

Why I Hate The Mom's Hostage Toy Bin Photo

My 16 year old son wiped off the table we had just finished eating at in Taco Bell. He didn't wipe it off because I asked him to. He didn't wipe it off because he was fearful I would take his cheese & lettuce crumbs and make him do a chore to get them back. (Wait, I'm guessing the "toys for ransom" method of teaching responsibility would backfire when it comes to food crumbles.)

He witnessed how busy the Taco Bell worker was trying to keep up with the register and cleaning tables. He chose to wipe down the table as a gesture of caring and respect.

Not once while raising him did we ever have to hold his toys hostage. Instead my husband & I modeled how you wipe down a table at home because it leaves it clean for the next time you need it.

Sometimes, he leaves his hoodie on the couch. I'll gladly hang it on his hoodie hook in his room. Sometimes I leave my water glass on the end table. He carries it to the sink for me. I will fold the clothes from the dryer, but sometimes my back doesn't allow me to carry it upstairs. If I leave the basket at the bottom of the stairs, the next person in my nest always brings it up, without comment or complaint. He decides to head out and ride his bike. He'll bring in the mail before he closes the garage door after he's returned. Cat drops a bomb, first one who smells it scoops it because we all know, Yumi can't flush.

Maintenance in our Sleepyhouse is shared by all who live here because we love and respect each other. Our children learned this because we modeled love and respect. It was easy. We didn't have to motivate them using fear of punishment. 

Other parents may think Mom's hostage toy bin is a wonderful idea, but I prefer to have my children make noble decisions because it is what is righteous, not because they fear loss or fear getting into trouble.

A supermom I know has written an excellent blog post on this debate. She covers every valid point and in my opinion, wins this debate hands down. Click here to read it.

My mom taught me the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Its not that difficult to raise responsible children using this method.

Love In Every Stitch - Hats Available

I have been knitting hats on a circle loom in memory of a beloved little guy who tragically has drown. His mama has always been a very inspiring woman to me, and my heart was broken when I heard of her loss. I cried, I prayed, but until my fingers reached for my yarn stash, I felt so helpless.

Elijah's mama loves the color red. She wears it often, and it was her favorite color to dress little Elijah in. The color red has a special meaning to me as well. When I visualize God comforting me, he wraps me up in a red blanket of love.

I decided to turn my grief to action and knit hats with red pom poms. My hope is people will buy them from me, and I can donate 100% of the money to the Elijah Rainbow Memorial Fund. Click here to see the Facebook page. There is a Mycause site where you are able to donate as well, click here.

I have no experience with Etsy or with selling anything ever online. I have no idea how I will be able to sell my hats, but I'm hoping and praying those details will work themselves out, and I will soon be able to bless this family who has suffered such a terrible loss.

I know what it feels like to not be able to hold your little one in your arms because they're in heaven. I also know the love and support we can share with each other will help us through, until we can once again wrap our arms around those we love in heaven.

If you are interested in purchasing a hat, please contact me. I have infant, child and adult sizes and a few other colors if you'd like something other than turquoise & navy. Each hat will have a red pom pom in memory of Eljiah Rainbow, but that can be removed if you prefer not to have a pom pom.

(I'd also appreciate anyone who can advise me on how, and where I can sell my Elijah Rainbow hats.)

Thank you.  


 

Food For Fines time once again at the library. I love this! Living as autodidacts, its a given we very often have library late fees. Usually I tell myself to think of overdue fines as "library donations." When they have the Food For Fines drive, I feel better dropping off jars of peanut butter and tuna for needy families in my town. It actually may cost me more, but without the free school breakfast & lunch programs for many of our town's kids during the summer, I can't help but feel better about this opportunity to help out.

My Dirty Girl Experience June 30,2012

The Dirty Girl Run is a 5K mud run obstacle course. I had such a wonderful time! It was awesome to be supported by most of my family and having all my sisters there either participating with me or supporting me made it even more special. I can't wait to do it again!

We signed up last March and decided to name our team, The Mudtinis Skaken Not Stirred. I built up my endurance, walking up to 3+ miles several times a week. I knew I could go the distance, but I was worried about our extreme hot weather. Turns out all that mud really does keep you cooled off. Elephants really are smart.

The Course:

The first obstacle was the hay bales. They were stacked up maybe 15-20 feet high. Climbing over them was a little unnerving because they were starting to fall apart. Depending on where you stepped, you could find yourself sinking in. When we were on the course, it was late morning. I don't think those bales made it through the day.

Next came several muddy water pits. These were cool and refreshing but my knees got scraped up. Little bits of gravel from the mud had settled on the bottom. Next time, I'm wearing knee pads.

The one obstacle I didn't do was the wall. There was a huge line of women, waiting for their turn to try and get over it. None of my sisters wanted to wait so we walked around it.

They had several water stations throughout the course and given the temperature was in the 90's with a heat index around 100, I made a point to drink at every water station whether I thought I needed it or not. I covered my head with a bandana so my scalp wouldn't burn and my skin was covered by several layers of sunscreen.

The walk itself we took slow and steady. The ground was very hard and dry with ruts all over. I have no idea how anyone could run without turning an ankle. Most everyone doing the "run" was actually walking.

There was a huge dirt hill with a steep way up and down. They had ropes to help you climb up and repel down with. I wasn't sure I could do it, but I did! When I got to the top, it didn't feel so difficult after all. Repelling down went smooth as well. It was really mind over matter.

We ran through tires both on the ground and another obstacle where they were hanging up.

We climbed through stretchy ropes that had you feeling you were going to get stuck as if some giant spider was waiting for a meal.

There were sandy, dirty hills a dirt bike would love, but your human knees, not so much. The last hill was pretty steep, and just as I thought I wouldn't make it, another event participant, a complete stranger, turned and offered me her hand. This event had that girl power spirit. We were all there to help each other through it.

I had made up my mind I was going to master the cargo net climb. I have a fear of heights and this obstacle was pretty high, but after the steep hill with the ropes, I decided this course was mostly mental, not physical. I attacked it focusing on grabbing securely with each hand and really planting my foot on each step. The cargo net was covered in mud, and I didn't want to slip. I never thought about how high I was, and I made it up and over. The entire time I could hear my niece, Raven, cheering me on. It was emotional and awesome! DH said he was proud of how I just kept going and never stopped. He said he was worried if I did stop, I would freeze up. I know focusing on each hand grip and foot plant, never stopping to actually think about where I was, helped me get through this obstacle so smoothly.

My least favorite obstacle was the sticky mud army crawl. This mud obstacle didn't have much water. The mud was thick and sticky. The kind that would pull off your shoe. The cargo net was so low, you had no choice but to crawl through on your belly, like a snake. The mud was so slippery it was difficult to grab a hold and move forward. Afterward, I heard another woman had rolled across. I wish I had known about that technique. I slithered like a snake, trying really hard not to have to put my face it in. For a brief moment, my claustrophobia kicked in, but I quieted my fear by just telling myself, Keep Going! You will get through this and not be stuck. The mud was so thick, it tore off my race bib. I was grateful my shirt didn't rip.

When we were through the entire course. I felt like I could have done it a second time right then and there. I wasn't as tired as I thought I would be. I didn't even feel hot. Covered in all the mud really helped.

The uncomfortable experiences for me came afterward. The rinse off stations were pumping out ice cold water that took your breath away. I couldn't stand in them for more than a few seconds or I was going to hyperventilate trying to breathe. It was very difficult to try and get all the mud off.

The changing area was so crowded, there was no room. I decided to change in a handicap sized Port O Potty. Yuck! I did my best to remove as much mud as I could with the towels I had brought. Next time, I'm bringing an old sheet to wrap up in and just driving home to clean up.

When I do this again, I'm bringing baby wipes or camping wipes. I'm also not wearing a t-shirt. A sports bra and tank top would have been much more easy to pull over my head. I'm putting conditioner in my hair and letting it stay there to help my hair absorb less mud. I'll also be scheduling a manicure and pedicure for the day after. After 3 rinse off/showers my feet still have dirt around my toe nails. But it was all so worth it!  I had a fantastic time with my sisters and my family cheering us on!