What If I Had Been Unschooled

I know I was born an autodidact. Unfortunately, those responsible for loving and nurturing me as I grew didn't.

My mother brought me to preschool, and I made it through one day. Kindergarten she felt she had no choice. She had to make me go. I remember crying wanting to be home with her.

Kindergarten also meant no more freedom, no more safety. I didn't want to trace letters. Why can't I paint this "S" in red if I feel like it? That 5th grader stole my Indian headdress and you won't help me retrieve it?


I learned to survive, I needed to play the good student and give them the performance they expected, but when I was free, I was nose deep in the weeds imagining I was a higher life form, watching a tiny imaginary community. I had a rich fantasy life to balance out the conformity I was forced to spend most of my waking hours in.

Outdoors I lived in the giant lilac bushes in the backyard and climbed the crab apple trees. Indoors my mom would find me curled up in the hallway with encyclopedias. My favorite was the human body volume with the overlapping transparent pages showing the many organs, muscles and skeletal system that's inside each and every one of us. In my free time, I was exercising my autodidact, unschooling.

Unfortunately as I grew into adolescence and young adulthood, my free time became less and less. Rather than listen to my inner autodidact, I tried to figure out how to best fulfill the role everyone expected of me.

My inner autodidact went dormant. Not waking up until children of my own set off the alarm. I desired a better life for them. I wanted them to be free and in turn they freed me, waking up my natural, inner desire to learn as much as she could from the world around me. I had to model how to be an autodidact if I wanted them to embrace this freedom.

But what if I had been raised free, following my natural motivation? How would my life be different? I can't help but wonder.

Would I have been been a horticulturalist having chosen to spend so much time in the garden? Would my fascination with the human body have led me to the medical field? Would I have meshed the two interests together and become an herbalist?

I believe I wouldn't have been so concerned about living up to the expectations of others. I feel I would have had more confidence and been less afraid, if I was allowed to learn naturally. I would have been more focused on developing my strengths instead of always having my weaknesses continually pointed out to me.

I would have had less emotional wounds to heal from, which would have allowed for more opportunities for joy and stewardship. Its hard to heal a wound when someone keeps picking at the scab. I had wounds that didn't heal until I had a family of my own, to love me unconditionally.

I wish I could go back in time, staying home with my wonderful, artistic mother. Maybe then I would trust and not judge my ability to color and decorate the world around me. I wish I could have strengthened the relationships I shared with people around me instead of being pushed into competition and rank.

Living and learning in a environment where you are loved unconditionally truly brings out the greatest growth in a person. I'm just thankful I found this lifestyle and God brought me loving people to share it with. I'm grateful I found this better path before it was too late. I'm grateful over time, I deschooled and began to trust myself, and trust my children.