Fearing The Pain

I met with my neurologist and reviewing my MRI results he informs me I have a herniated disc at L5 S1. He immediately rises from his seat and tells me he needs to consult with a neurosurgeon immediately.

I'm left alone in the room, staring at the computer screen, looking at that dark mess where it should be white. The pain I have been feeling is definitely there in black and white magnetic imagery.

Wait - did he say neurosurgeon as in surgery? BACK SURGERY??!! 

My right foot and calf are numb. Its not from breathing too fast as suggested by the ER doctor. Its because my nerve has been pushed away from where it needs to be and there's a sticky mess all over the place. There's a very real reason for my excruciating pain and I'm terrified.

It takes a night for my shock to wear off and I come to the conclusion, I'm more afraid of this pain than I am of having my back cut into and my spine touched. I want this to be done. I want to be on the road to recovery. I don't want to fear this pain and feel like I'm made of glass.

I met Dr. Rust today and I want a microdisectomy. On Dec 21st he will make a small incision, drill a small hole and clean up my painful problem. If I don't choose surgery, I can try to live on pain medications for up to a year and see if my body removes the disc material. This long process means my nerve will be out of place and I will most likely never regain feeling in my foot. My body could also end up calcifying the disc material, leaving me with no choice but to have my spine fused together. I need to choose this surgery. There is no other option for me.

I hate having to wait a little over a week. I wanted Dr. Rust to operate on me today. I'm finding myself terrified of the pain. I don't know if I have the endurance to make it. Yes, I'm on real pain medication now, no more self medicating with Advil, but I still have a very vivid memory of the hell I've been through. The oxycodone takes the edge off, but my body is still letting me know, my nerve is seriously pissed off!

As much as I want this operation as soon as possible, I have anxiety about the recovery. Will it hurt worse? Will my nerve go back and my foot come alive once again?

I'm depressed about not being able to take care of my family and my work responsibilities. I haven't been able to do much to get ready for Christmas. Will I even be able to enjoy Christmas?

I know this surgery is the pathway towards recovery and I have to find patience. I'm still frightened of the unknown and the realization I'm not controlling this one.