Decompressing

I'm in decompress mode. I've been so busy, and I seem to be having more days where I end up lacking energy. I'm reaching the point where I need to STOP and CHILL before I over stress and make myself sick.

People were bringing me down. That's another sign I know I need to STOP and find my inner peace. A customer was really rude to me. I recognized she was stealing my joy, but I also realized, I'd rather she yell at me than have her treat someone else so poorly. I can eventually shake off her negative energy when I turn my focus elsewhere. Maybe this was why she was placed on my path? Because God knew I could rise above her brokenness and see past it.

I've been trying to get ready for the Dirty Girl Run, or as I prefer to call it, the Dirty Girl Hike. My sister has been a tremendous support for me. Others have not been so supportive. I've been told flat out, "You can't do this." I suppose this is because they look at my body and see only fat. They don't know this fat girl can walk over 3 miles, no problem. Thankfully my sister reminds me we are in it together, and we'll take as much time as we need to finish, and then I feel more encouraged. I will never be a runner. I'm just too well endowed. I can hike though, and I can hike for longer distances now.

The garden has been a good stress reliever. I probably should be weeding a little more, but I have been faithfully watering and picking off harmful bugs. My baby spinach bolted almost immediately, but I am still being rewarded with my favorite garden candy, Sugar Snap Peas. For some reason the Swiss Chard is really slow to grow this year, but my spaghetti squash is looking fabulous. Hard to believe after buying those sad looking plants at the nursery. The melons all look really good too. The potatoes have me wanting to keep building the raised bed even higher. Maybe I'll just try the straw cover at this point. The last time we raised the sides of the potato bed it took so much dirt to fill it. I cut the scapes off of the garlic and the leaves are turning brown. I think I will harvest it in 2 weeks time.

I was caught up in the idea we should have a summer bucket list. I kept asking the boys, "What should we do? What do you want to do to make this summer memorable?" We had a hard time coming up with answers and then one day I decided to stop worrying about it. I spent the day making silly videos with them and had a blast. It dawned on me, this is our summer bucket list goal. Just have fun and don't worry about planning so much.

I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with my family. We'll take DH out for Father's Day. I don't have gifts yet for him. A few things have been ordered, but they won't arrive in time. Instead I will focus on just giving him a good, weekend experience since he works so hard all week. We'll have lunch out on Saturday at "The Lob" as the boys like to call it. (Red Lobster) On Sunday we're planning a hike in the woods in Troll country.

One more thing I want to mention. My sister has inspired me to create a safe, calm, sanctuary spot in my nest. We're both frustrated we're not dropping much weight despite how much walking we've been doing. My doctor said, "Your heart sounds excellent, but after 40, its very difficult for women to lose weight, even if you eat right and exercise. Try add weight training."  I also read about how stress will prevent you from losing weight. Toxins are stored in your fat. When you are stressed, your body already has enough toxins to purge through. It doesn't want you to burn fat releasing more toxins to the mix. My sister and I both plan on making meditation and stress release a daily part of our routines. I also took it as a sign when I opened my Dove chocolate and the wrapper read, "Create A Happy Place."

I hope you all have a great weekend. I'll be doing my best to create one myself.

Feeling Blah...

As if my wonky camera wasn't enough, now the computer is giving me the business when it comes to uploading my photos. I'll have to put the food diary on hold. Ever since we hooked up an external back up drive, I'm having to adapt to doing things a bit differently.

I'm feeling down, and I don't know exactly why. Its probably a trifecta of heat, humidity and hormones. Of course maybe the bank account and messy house are not helping either.

We have this strange leak of some kind happening in our kitchen. Its really strange, as if I poured brown sugar on the floor and wet it down. I can't figure out what it is, or where it is coming from. The pipes do not seem to be leaking, but this tan, grainy substance is showing up along the baseboard in front of the kitchen sink. I suppose I'll have to take everything out from under the sink and really investigate it tomorrow, when I have more time.

I think the Japanese beetles are bringing me down too. Our birch tree is infested with thousands and I'm fearing the worse, we'll lose the tree. Its funny how certain plants and trees they ignore completely, but others they swarm on. I've read you can chemically treat your grass to kill the larva but complete elimination of the pests could take up to 5 years of applying these chemicals. As sad as I am to see my birch tree killed, I don't think I want to dump all those chemicals on the lawn.

The mulberry tree/bushes they seem to leave along. Maybe I should encourage more wild mulberries to grow around the yard instead of trying to fight the beetles? The problem with mulberry bushes, they grow almost too quickly and for a deciduous tree, their leaves come out later than others in the spring and drop off too quickly in the fall. 

We have a mulberry bush that grew wild near the corner of the house. I had DS11 chop it down to the ground last year but we did not remove the roots. This year the bush grew back huge. Its over 6 feet tall and 4 feet wide in this growing season alone. If only we could place these bushes around the perimeter of the yard rather than the house, we'd have lots of quick privacy for part of the year.

On a positive note, as I sit here and type this, I can hear the boys outside moving the rest of the dirt off the driveway and into the garden area. They are laughing and having a good time, which is pretty remarkable considering its hard labor in the 90 degree heat. They are shoveling the dirt onto a tarp, dragging the tarp over to the garden beds and dumping it.

This is just proving to me I need to stop worrying so much about them. They are capable of hard work, and they are capable of doing it without complaining about it. I found myself worrying the other day about SAT preparations and questioning what more should we be doing, yet if I'd only relax and take a closer look, they are proving to be fine young men.

I'll leave for work soon and hopefully this will distract me. I can only do what I'm capable of. I don't have to try and solve all my worries at once. The Japanese beetles, the mystery sugary goo, the messy house, the bills to pay, they can all wait for me or I can let them go, and just try redirecting my focus.

Trying Not To Feel Overwhelmed

I'm sure its just my immune system battling two foes at once, but I feel like I can't get my groove back.

Yesterday on my way to work, I stopped to see if Costco had any mattresses. After the drive in, I felt almost too tired and weak to walk around the giant wholesaler. I had to rest in my car with the air on for a few minutes. I treated myself to a frozen yogurt and that helped.

We decided not to sleep on the futon, and slept in our guest room instead. I slept okay, but I'm anxious to find a new mattress more than ever now. The Dick Van Dyke separate bed style is too depressing.

My spider bite is a little bit better, but I did wake up with muscle soreness. That could be from sleeping in a new bed though. My head cold reminded me its still lingering around too.

Its frustrating being run down when I have so much to do. I've decided before we get a new mattress, we need to clean and paint our bedroom. With DH working again, I'm on my own until the weekend arrives.

Today I'm hoping to drop the boys off at their friend's house and try to get some cleaning done. The reality is, I'll be more tempted to curl up in my Mary Tyler Moore bed and sleep until I have to leave for work.

Being run down, I feel even more, how important it is to have a clutter free world surrounding you. It's difficult enough to find the energy to clean, but knowing first you have move stuff around feels overwhelming. When you don't feel well, you want your nest to be a comforting place. Right now, I feel displaced.

I'll take things one step at a time. I'll try not to focus on the end result, but just on what's in front of me at the moment. I'll take those breaks when I need them and remember to listen to my body.

Am I Ready For Life's Challenges Today?

My cold virus never really seemed to be at full strength, and now I'm thinking it's the spider bite that's been zapping my energy. At first I thought it was just an itchy mosquito bite, not having seen any spiders crawling around me. It grew though to the size of a saucer plate and the itching turned to painful burning and tingling. My skin is hot to the touch in addition to being bright pink.

The past two nights, I haven't slept well because my arm keeps waking me up. This morning it feels maybe a little bit better, definitely not worse, less pink, and since there is no tissue degeneration, I'm going to ride it out, continuing to use topical treatments. Of course after having been in Kansas, I kept thinking, is it a brown recluse bite?! Thankfully its not turning black.

Tonight I won't sleep well either because our bed has sprung a leak. We have the kind of water bed that uses tubes, zipped inside a mattress shell. I don't think you can buy these types anymore. Apparently the leak was a slow one, making it worse. Water has trickled out for who knows how long, and now that its finally sponged through the mattress toppers we use, its safe to say our mattress shell is beyond salvaging.

The frugal girl in me is wondering, what if we dragged it out into the sun and used an entire bottle of Febreeze? The reality is, I don't want to have to worry about mold, this bed has expired its lifetime expectancy, and I'd look like a fool trying to use the carpet shampooing machine on a mattress. I should just bite the bullet and buy a new mattress.

This is stressful though, not fun. A mattress purchase is a huge decision. I want my DH to feel comfortable, and we're both used to having an adjustable mattress. The water tubes could be filled to your desired firmness.

DH also made a comment to me this morning about the timing of this happening now. We're grateful he's working, but why is something like this always happening before we can have a chance to save some money and get caught up?

Tonight we'll move the futon mattress on top of our box spring and see if we can make that solution work until we can find a new comfortable, yet affordable, mattress.

I wanted to start walking again today but we have a heat advisory and an air quality warning. I should stay inside, but the treadmill is boring plus, its hard to stay on the treadmill because its too easy to look around my house and see everything else I could/should be doing instead. Maybe dissembling the water bed will give me enough of a workout. The water tubes are pretty heavy and a challenge to drag to the bathtub.

Its just going to have be one of those days I go with the flow, do what I can, and not worry about everything going the way I want it to.

There's Not Enough Chocolate....

to help me deal with life's disappointments.

I can't believe its raining AGAIN. The garden is soaked and we have non-edible mushrooms growing in the lawn. I'm tired of it being so wet all the time. I don't think we'll ever get to use all that rainwater we collected. I should have planted rice.

Day 2 of missing DH, and I'm not doing as well distracting my loneliness. The boys are watching day 2 of E3 so I'm feeling a little unneeded.

We will lose our Badger Care health insurance because DH's new contract job pays too much. (Insert uncontrollable sarcastic laughter here) If the temp agency DH technically works for offers health insurance, we have no choice but to sign up for it. I'm sure the health insurance option with the temp agency will be basically no health coverage at all. They can't explain the coverage until we begin paying the premium. How messed up is that??!

It will be interesting to see if after paying health insurance premiums, and paying more for gas due to a daily commute if we'll come out ahead of what unemployment provided us to live on.  

I remember having to shop for health insurance last year, before DH was laid off. Most family monthly premiums were around $1200. That's unrealistic for a middle class family with a mortgage.

I once heard two men complaining about the new proposed government option requiring families who make $50,000 to spend about $500 a month on premiums. Personally, I want to know where can we sign up!! That's sounds like a good deal to me!

I know I shouldn't stress about it, but I got a copy of the medical bills when I had that UTI last month, while still covered under medicaid (Badger Care in Wisconsin). In total my infection cost $419 to treat. You see numbers like that and you don't want to go without health coverage. I saw one physician's assistant for about 3-4 minutes tops and peed in a total of two cups. How in the world can that translate to over $400???!!!

I know tomorrow I'll feel better. I just have to vent today.

I need to count my blessings.

1. DH is working and earning a wage that does pay more than unemployment. I shouldn't worry about counting those chickens coming from these eggs, insurance or not.

2. We all have our health and are taking steps to continue that, literally. (Walking has really helped me deal with this stress!)

3. I have two fine young men who continue to grow and thrive learning at home.

4. Bills are getting paid.

5. We have enough to eat.

6. We have shelter.

7.  We found wrinkle free shirts I can hang directly from the dryer!
 (I have zero ironing skills and DH now is required to wear a tie daily.)

Thinking About Why I Stressed Out Yesterday

I'm sitting here, in the quiet of an early Sunday morning, listening to the birds and watching the baby bunnies eat the clover in my garden. I need this peace.

I'm still trying to figure out why I had such a reaction to a stressful day yesterday, and I think its mostly because my nutrition was lacking and I'm too hard on myself.

I worked all morning helping my boss represent our pool at a Safety Saturday event. It took place outside, next to Madison's famous farmer's market. It was a great morning, the rain held off, but after 4 hours I was feeling a little spent.

I was looking forward to getting some healthy lunch and recouping, but when I returned to my car, I had a flat tire. I had just paid the garage ticket too! I knew there was no way I could get the spare on in less than 20 minutes, so I ran down to the garage office and told them I'd need a new ticket.

For a moment, I thought, has someone slashed my tire in the hopes of making me a parking garage victim? I scoped the area, no creepos around.

I remembered what my dad had taught me about changing a tire. I can do this. I removed the spare, put together the jack, and started to work on those lug nuts. My body couldn't perform what my spirit could. Those nuts were on too tight and would not budge.

I ran down to the garage office once again and called a tow truck. Thankfully I didn't have to wait too long. He helped me get the spare on and even allowed me to follow him to the next gas station so I could hit the ATM to pay him in cash, giving me a discount, and he made sure the donut spare had enough air in it.

Then the stress started to kick in. I think I felt bad that I couldn't get those lug nuts off myself. I could think of so many things I'd rather had spent that $40 on!

I began to worry about how I'd get to work Monday, knowing I shouldn't drive far on this donut. I tried to stop and find a tire store on the way home. One was closed, the other wanted way too much and didn't have 4 new tires in stock. We knew we needed new tires and now that DH is starting work on Monday, we had discussed buying new tires before our trip to Kansas.

I drove home, stopping at Subway to pick up a sympathy sandwich. I treated myself to their new low fat chicken salad on a 6 inch wheat. It was a very late lunch, and I realized my emptiness hadn't helped during this stress event.

I basically ate my sandwich and planted roots on the sofa. I was tired and had a headache. DH came home from DS's Yu-Gi-Oh event, and I was happy to hear they had a great time, but I needed taking care of. DH took over, and I finally decided to take some Advil.

This morning, rested, I can see things more clearly. The flat tire was not my fault. Being too weak to get lug nuts off is nothing to be ashamed of. I did make it home without another flat. We had to put off buying tires because DH was unemployed. Who's to say even if we had new tires, I still wouldn't have had that flat? DH starts work tomorrow so we can spend the money on needed new tires now without much worry. As for work on Monday, they'll do fine without my help. I'll be able to catch up later.

I'm still disappointed in myself for basically couch crashing after I got home. I had zero energy and a throbbing head. This is our last weekend together before DH goes back to work. I don't want to be a party pooper.

Today has been given to me to make it a better day. Rested and fed, I'll take this morning to once again thank God for helping me through yesterday's unplanned stress. I'll make THIS day what I want- a day shared with my family, stress free.

Rambling, Thinking It Through.....

Crazy night last night, literally. I was such a mixture of emotions. Its unsettling how one moment I can feel calm, cool, collected and the next, my world is falling apart.

I tried to find my balance but by the week's end, I had lost it. Interestingly it was when I had scheduled in free time that it crashed around me. I guess when I don't have to have my game face on, it is safer to let go. I'd rather spend my free time in a happier mood though.

It was the typical "I can't do it all" demon. Wife, mother, worker, within these roles lie so many responsibilities, and each one I want to give my best to. Why is it easier for me to look at what I didn't get done, instead of what I have accomplished?

I do think its better to continually examine myself and question how I can do better, but why do I have to beat myself up in the process?

Today is a new day. I have another chance to get it right.

All I Want For Christmas...

Tonight during supper, DS10 asked me what I wanted for Christmas. My initial response was to tell him nothing. I have everything I need. I know I said this because I didn't want him to worry about why there will be nothing under the tree for me this year. He did get me thinking though. What do I want for Christmas? A few real good things do come to mind.

1. A job for DH- Because I want him to feel valuable again. Its really starting to take a toll on him emotionally, and my husband is such a great man, he doesn't deserve this.

2. A job for DH - Because unemployment is impossible for a family of 4 to live on.

3. A job for DH - Because I'm worried every time I start to feel sick, or its starting to snow like crazy, I could miss out on work. If I don't work, I don't get paid.

4. A job for DH - Because I have two weeks left, and then my hours will be cut. My boss has been great, but the reality is, she has other staff that also need hours, and the winter session is less busy.

5. A job for DH - Because I want to pay bills on time.

6. A job for DH - Because I really understand now more than ever, how important it is NOT to carry debt.

7. A job for DH- Because house repairs are popping up, and we don't have the money to fix them.

8. A job for DH - Because car repairs are popping up, and we don't have the money to fix them.

9. A job for DH - Because even though that snowman shower curtain was so cute, I can't justify giving up $20 for it.

10. A job for DH - Because warmer footwear for winter would be nice.

11. A job for DH - Because I can't remember the last time I had my haircut.

12. A job for DH - Because I can't cut their hair either! (They still allow me to, but my men deserve to look good.)

13. A job for DH - Because Yumi is over due for her vaccines.

14.  A job for DH - Because I don't want to be nervous my debit card will be declined at the grocery store.

15. A job for DH - Because it will break my heart if we can't afford to travel to the family reunion next summer.

16. A job for DH - Because I miss being able to create art.

17. A job for DH - Because I want to buy pomegranates, and they're over $2 a piece.

18. A job for DH - Because DH hasn't enjoyed his popcorn fix in over 8 weeks.

19. A job for DH - Because I don't want to have to move out of our Sleepyhouse.

20. A job for DH - Because seeing the doctor or dentist is so expensive.

21. A job for DH - Because we're missing out on memories we could be making.

22. A job for DH - Because the ongoing uncertainty is stealing bit by bit, what little joy we can muster up.

I think its safe to blog now....

The news is out where it needs to go, so close loved ones won't have to read it here and be shocked. Funny how DH asked me ,"Did you Facebook the news yet?" No! I can show restraint!

On Thursday, DH was given his paycheck with the words, "Here's your paycheck. Its probably the last one I can give you for awhile."

Its very strange. His boss has run out of money for the company. This would mean a lay off right? Well, the boss also said there is a slim chance the client they are working for right now, may be able to "pick up your salaries." So is he laid off or isn't he? The reality is, they have all this work completed, and more they could do, but the clients are not paying their bills.

I'm very frightened. DH is the main bread winner. I only work part time. I know this is happening all over the country, and we're not the only family going through this, but I can't shake the depression I'm feeling.

Added to this stress, I've been betrayed by a close family member. When you say to someone, "Out of all our family, you're the only one I can tell this to because I know you understand and won't criticize me like the rest of our family would,"  you would think this means, its a secret, don't tell anyone! Well, she blabbed and what I feared would happen, did indeed happen. So now I'm struggling with having to find forgiveness.

Its not like I was going to keep this secret from the rest of my family forever. I just needed the chance to choose the best timing.

I come from this anti-emotional family, that believes picking on you is a sign of affection. I'm wired completely the opposite. I will say out loud, "I love you," several times a day. The family I grew up with, never uses these words with each other. Out of all my siblings, there was one who could understand me, and now I'm pissed off and feeling betrayed by her.

I thank God I have my husband, my children and my mother in law.

Of course the Christian Universalist in me knows, we are all bound together. Friends or enemies, we have no choice but to spend all eternity together. This is why God tells us to forgive all, and the greatest commandment is to love all.

I know no one is perfect and all of humankind has the potential to fail you. People are broken. They can try their best, but its never going to be good enough. So I need to forgive everyone, love everyone and realize there really is only one I can turn to who won't fail me, God. And because he loves everyone, he isn't going to choose sides. I have to get over this sibling rivalry and remember, one day, I will have to sit next to the person who wronged me. If I don't forgive them and love them unconditionally, how will I have peace?

I may feel like the world is crapping down on me, but I can open up an umbrella. I'll use life's accessories, (blessings),  to get me through this storm. 

Spawns of Satan

I have spent way too much time around car salesman. Its only been 2 days of active searching for a new (used) car, but I'm going to get big time sick if something doesn't work out soon.

I've been praying, praying, praying, and in many ways, I feel like I'm being carried through this, but then again, I also feel so lost, stuck in a bad dream.

I'm trying my best to exercise, eat well and get needed rest, but the reality is I haven't had much sleep the past two nights, car shopping during meal times means fast (fat) food, and too much driving around in one vehicle means little time for exercise. 

The boys have been outstandingly supportive. All of this has effected their routines as we spend less time "home" schooling and more "car dealership" schooling. They have been excellent back seat testers, and have been saintly patient while we've tried hacking out numbers. Two nights of late night suppers of take out, babysitting little brothers while mom and dad try to share one car, hauling around the Gameboys, I guess its not a completely bad scene for them. Why do I feel so guilty for not being as available to them?

DH is getting over the most wicked sinus infection I've ever seen. Have you read the book, The Stand? I was getting really worried about him. I can't help but think I'm next given the stressful existence I'm currently living.

I guess, I am learning through this. You'll have to check out the website, www.nada.com.  It can really help you determine a car's value. Did you know about gap insurance? (I sure hope we don't need it!!) Having the vehicle identification number is a Godsend as well!

I can't forget its Fat Tuesday. Did you know Shamrock Shakes are back?!! I may have to treat myself to one before tomorrow rolls around. I've decided to not give up sugar entirely. That would be too difficult for me. I think I could still benefit from the nutrition from eating fresh fruits, but I could give up cookies, candy, cakes, etc. I'm going off the diet fizz as well, sticking to tea and water.

Well, it's almost time for me to meet once again with the devils at the dealership. Prayers, deep cleansing breaths, calm blue oceans, fields of wildflowers, forests of tall trees, Blind Melon concerts, I'll try to remember all of these when I'm in the hot seat.

Stressing out...........................................................

I hate motor vehicles.
I hate that I have to rely on them.
I hate that I'm poor and can't afford them.
I hate that I have two in my driveway that don't work.
I hate that I have to get up early, drive DH to work, drive around to car dealers instead of spending the morning in our Sleepyhouse.
I hate salesmen.
I hate the cold.
I hate rush hour traffic.
I hate that a car payment will soon be a reality.
I hate jumping through financing hoops.
I hate that my dad lives too far away to come help me.
I hate that if I don't find a vehicle by Tuesday, our one remaining drivable car will have to put an extra 350 miles in this week.
I hate that I'm going to lose 2 hours a day!!
I hate that we can't afford to live where public transportation is possible.
I hate that I have to work away from home.
I hate asking someone to work for me.
I hate that I can't afford not to work!

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm going to go dry my eyes and put on some comfy PJs before I decide to reach for chocolate.

Trying to stay calm before the storm....

My parents slipped down through the storms. We had a really quick visit with them before they headed a little further south, trying to get settled in before the storm blows in later today.

Mom and Dad said I could open my Christmas gift early since I'd probably like to use it now. I have always loved these kinds of Swedish candle holders. My sisters all got red ones years ago, and I've always been jealous. Mom always thought she had given me one as well, but I probably didn't have my own home when she gifted these many Christmases ago, so I didn't score one. Although mine isn't red, I still love it. I suppose I could keep it out all year long.

I'm really trying hard not to sweat the small stuff these days. Its so easy for me to stress out, and I know this will only lead to me getting sick. I really want to be well on Christmas since more often than not, I end up sick that day.

My boss said she'd cover for me tonight at the pool. I was stressing over having to drive home and slide off the road. Now that I hear the weather may not get bad until later, I'm feeling a little guilty about this, but it could still ice rain where I live before the snow starts. I can't win. I feel guilty if I don't go in, and I feel stressed if I do and the weather hits.

The angel on my shoulder is saying, "Take care of yourself," and the other angel is saying, "Guilt doesn't serve a purpose here, so drop it." Yes, I have two angels on my shoulders. The devil's not welcome to hang out on my shoulder! LOL!

A few days ago, I did something really stupid. It was crazy cold outside and DH didn't feel well. I offered to take the garbage out and run to the Pig for cold medicine for him. I should have reversed that order of events. Backing out of the driveway, I steered to avoid hitting the trash and recycle bins. I had forgotten about the basketball pole! I put a huge dent near the driver's side front wheel.

I was really beating up on myself, wondering how I could have been so stupid. Why can't I have eyes like a gecko? How are you suppose to watch what's behind you and also what's happening in front or on the side? (Think of how you back out of a tight parking spot at crowded Target.)

DH told me it was ok. Our van is older than dirt. We can still drive it. "We'll get some anti-rust paint and who cares if we have a pink patch." 

I was just beginning to chill out about it, when we discovered the headlight is loose. Thank God it still worked because I hadn't realized driving home in Tuesday's storm the other headlight was out. I had the bulb replaced and the dealer gave us an estimate for fixing the loose light. $300. I don't think the van is worth it. I'm wondering if I could make our van even more ghetto fabulous using duct tape? At least the basketball pole is still standing.

I'm off to practice more positive thinking. I'll leave you with one of my favorite all time fortune cookie fortunes, "Worry is today's mouse stealing tomorrow's cheese."

Today needs to be good...

Maybe it was because it was a Monday. Maybe it was because I was getting sick. Maybe I just need an unschooling mom day away. (Don't worry, its coming soon.) Maybe it was because someone knocked off my chain, and I chased my kids around because Karen Black wasn't available.

My throat started feeling sore on Sunday and by Monday it was confirmed. I had something brewing. Determined not to miss my upcoming unschooling Pow Wow, I began to load up on Emergen-C, lots of hot tea and fresh fruit and veg. I also decided I needed rest. This formula has worked for me all winter.

Most of the day went according to plan. Then the Rats came. I had told the boys perhaps we could skip friends today. After all, the rats were here on Saturday from 10:30-5:30 and on Sunday from 10:30-2:30. The boys assured me they would be quiet so I could rest.

I went to lay down at 3:00pm. I never fell asleep. First the phone rang off the hook. The boys never answered it. Then the doorbell was non-stop. The real problem was the vent near my bed is right over the Boycave. I could hear every scream.

I lost it. I went downstairs and yelled for friends to go home. I didn't speak again to my children until their father arrived home.

I was so angry I didn't know myself. Maybe it was because my throat hurt or maybe it was because the boys very rarely disappoint me like this. I could tell the boys wanted to apologize but I wasn't ready to hear it.

In my head I was saying, "You have no respect for me! You knew I was not feeling well and wanted to rest! You said you would answer the phone and the doorbell! You said you could play quietly! I give you too much freedom! You don't think about anyone but yourself! MAYBE I SHOULD SEND YOU TO SCHOOL!"

This last thought shook me. I needed to call Dad.

"Dear Lord, I can't do this anymore. They don't respect me. I can't keep it all together. I'm getting sick, and I hurt! What am I going to do? I don't really want to send them to school. Punishment is not the answer. Why did this happen?!"

"One simply answer- You need to forgive them. They are 12 &  9 and they made a mistake. You made some too. You need to forgive them that's all."

Wow! He was so right! I needed to let go of the anger, let go of the self pity and forgive them. Most of the time they are wonderful, caring, compassionate young men. I blew it big time with my mommy temper tantrum.

The boys were in tears before DH got home. Supper was awkward even after I had told the boys I forgave them. It had put a damper on the entire evening even though we said what we needed to say to each other. I will never get back those few hours I gave to Darkside Dawn, when I could have been a loving mother instead of an angry one.

I prayed before I fell asleep and gave my throat pain away. I gave away all the stress and decided to "Let It Be".

This morning my throat feels a bit better and the boys are back to their normal unschooly selves. I'm on my way back to being my normal self too. Yeah! Thanks God!

Trying not to curse the darkness....

I'm going to be lighting candles today, both figuratively and literally. I forgot to light the advent candles, and I need to remember to let my light shine brightly within me.

This weekend I learned my parents will not be coming down for their holiday visit. It pains me my parents have all this other stuff going on and its gotten in the way of allowing them to visit with us. However, I do worry about them and want them to slow down.

On the way to DH's birthday dinner, we had planned on stopping downtown to look for Domo. The store is smack dab in campus central, lots of one way streets, no parking. I thought DH could drop me off and drive around the block and pick me back up. Right after realizing I was lied to on the phone, (no Domo), DH calls my cell phone in a panic, too much traffic, too much ice and snow. I drop the stocking stuffers in my hand and head out the door to meet DH at the pick up point. I'm left wondering where my easy, fun loving, sense of humor husband has gone to.

Supper was great, once the waiter finally found our table. He more than made up for it keeping our beverages re-filled, giving us a free appetizer and a free dessert!

I was brought back down later yesterday evening when I learned a local boy lost his cancer fight. He shared the same name and age as my DS8 so it hits close to home. I can't imagine losing a child like this, and so close to Christmas.

DS12 woke up around 2:00a.m. having to vomit. He hasn't done this in a long time. He doesn't have a flu bug. We think its a Chiari thing. Years ago he would always wake in the middle of the night to throw up. I heard many people living with a Chiari malformation have this symptom and sometimes it means you have pressure problems in your spinal fluid. As it turns out, we have a doctor's appointment today. I don't know if he'll order another MRI or not. Because DS12 doesn't suffer very many symptoms, I'm not in a rush to do brain surgery.

Today I'm really going to try and count my blessings, not stress the small stuff, and squeeze my children has much as possible.

Deep breaths Dawn...

I was all tense and worked up last night before bed. I woke up at 5:15a.m. the same way. I know this will spell disaster for my immune system so I'm trying to calm myself. I use prayer and my Heavenly Father knows what I need. I spill my guts and give it all to him to worry about.

Last night I thought my sister and her family were in peril as in the empty duplex next to her, an alarm was going off- Carbon monoxide? She's been fighting fatigue. She called Mr. Slumlord multiple times. I ended up loaning her our detector and told her if it goes off, call 911.

When she drove over to pick it at 10:00pm, she noticed a hissing sound coming from my tire. I've known this tire is losing air. I was just hoping I could make it to when I had time to have it fixed. I prayed the tire would have enough air in it this morning to drive the 2 blocks to the tire place. I'm driving it there at 8:00am and hoping they can fix or replace it by 4:00pm so I can go to work.

I started stressing about all I have to do in the upcoming days for the enjoyment of my family this holiday weekend. When I went to bake DH his blueberry muffins this morning, I noticed we were out of eggs. How will I manage everything if there are no eggs in my fridge? Sounds crazy, but this is where my mind is today. If I'm not organized enough to know we are out of eggs, how will I be able to pull off everything else? I need to lighten up and remember we always find a way to where we need to be according to God's plan.

I'm off to drop off the van and enjoy my walk home. Its still a little foggy so maybe I can daydream on my way back.

Lake Farm Park

I had to get away from stress so we took a walk at Lake Farm Park on Lake Waubesa. I get such a good vibe from the place. There are some 32 hidden archaeological sites in the park, but you can just tell people have called this area home for thousands of years. Our hike was going pretty good until DS12 heard gunshots. He was sure we were going to be victims of a hunting accident. I kept him going until we reached the end of the trail.

As we left the trail, we turned around to see a sign in orange that read, "Bow Hunting DNR permits only." OH CRAP!! I thought it was only duck hunting season and that ducks had to be shot in the air. I thought we had been safe. Where was the bow hunting sign at the other trail head where we started from?!" Note to self- BUY ORANGE HATS

My husband's great grandfather accidentally shot and killed his 12 year old son in a hunting accident. Needless to say, we are not a hunting family. But since hunting is now taking place on public land, I better learn exactly when the season starts!!