Maybe it was because it was a Monday. Maybe it was because I was getting sick. Maybe I just need an unschooling mom day away. (Don't worry, its coming soon.) Maybe it was because someone knocked off my chain, and I chased my kids around because Karen Black wasn't available. My throat started feeling sore on Sunday and by Monday it was confirmed. I had something brewing. Determined not to miss my upcoming unschooling Pow Wow, I began to load up on Emergen-C, lots of hot tea and fresh fruit and veg. I also decided I needed rest. This formula has worked for me all winter.
Most of the day went according to plan. Then the Rats came. I had told the boys perhaps we could skip friends today. After all, the rats were here on Saturday from 10:30-5:30 and on Sunday from 10:30-2:30. The boys assured me they would be quiet so I could rest.
I went to lay down at 3:00pm. I never fell asleep. First the phone rang off the hook. The boys never answered it. Then the doorbell was non-stop. The real problem was the vent near my bed is right over the Boycave. I could hear every scream.
I lost it. I went downstairs and yelled for friends to go home. I didn't speak again to my children until their father arrived home.
I was so angry I didn't know myself. Maybe it was because my throat hurt or maybe it was because the boys very rarely disappoint me like this. I could tell the boys wanted to apologize but I wasn't ready to hear it.
In my head I was saying, "You have no respect for me! You knew I was not feeling well and wanted to rest! You said you would answer the phone and the doorbell! You said you could play quietly! I give you too much freedom! You don't think about anyone but yourself! MAYBE I SHOULD SEND YOU TO SCHOOL!"
This last thought shook me. I needed to call Dad.
"Dear Lord, I can't do this anymore. They don't respect me. I can't keep it all together. I'm getting sick, and I hurt! What am I going to do? I don't really want to send them to school. Punishment is not the answer. Why did this happen?!"
"One simply answer- You need to forgive them. They are 12 & 9 and they made a mistake. You made some too. You need to forgive them that's all."
Wow! He was so right! I needed to let go of the anger, let go of the self pity and forgive them. Most of the time they are wonderful, caring, compassionate young men. I blew it big time with my mommy temper tantrum.
The boys were in tears before DH got home. Supper was awkward even after I had told the boys I forgave them. It had put a damper on the entire evening even though we said what we needed to say to each other. I will never get back those few hours I gave to Darkside Dawn, when I could have been a loving mother instead of an angry one.
I prayed before I fell asleep and gave my throat pain away. I gave away all the stress and decided to "Let It Be".
This morning my throat feels a bit better and the boys are back to their normal unschooly selves. I'm on my way back to being my normal self too. Yeah! Thanks God!
4 comments:
I have lost it many times myself! Hope today is better!
Glad you are feeling better. Hope you have a better day today.
I hate it when I go beserk like this. We all do it all the time though, don't we? Well, maybe not ALL the time, but now and then.
Glad to hear the throat feels better. We've been very lucky with the sick thing this year and so I'm waiting for the bomb to drop. Keeping my fingers crossed that it never will!
You should implement a "no friend" policy for Sundays. That's something that really works for us. I love it! (Well, except for JJ's friend that always hangs out with us on Sunday's, but I guess we make an exception for her because she needs the break from her own disfunctional family)
Your plan for rest was a good one - as was knowing what to do to keep you healthy - it's normal for us Mom's to lose it - but you listened to your heart and head and responded quickly and appropriately with applogies. It's hard being a mom...our job never ends...
Post a Comment