Monday's Mumbling Musings

On icy days like this, I'm glad we can stay warm and safe in the Sleepyhouse. Well, my hatch-lings did. I had to scrape off the car and slide to the library to return some things. 

I was rewarded though. I found the book Mini Farming Self Sufficiency On 1/4 Of An Acre by Brett Markham. I need to start thinking about seed starting soon.

Working with DH we made excellent purging progress around the computer desk and the table next to it. Visually it feels so good! I can't wait to install shelving above the computer desk area to ensure we can keep the desk clear of clutter.

Speaking of DH, I can now tell you the secret I've been keeping! Today is his first official day as a PERMANENT employee! No more contract work through the temp agency!!! Yeah!!! So today he is officially no longer UNEMPLOYED!!! YEAH!!!! I'm so happy for him. Its been 16 months since he was laid off. He's been working as a contract employee for 8 months, but we knew that arrangement could end before June.

He interviewed for the position on a Monday and was told they were going to interview other applicants for the next two weeks. Less than 24 hours later they offered him the position! So much for waiting 2 weeks!

DH thought he wasn't going to be offered the position because almost the entire current drafting department had applied as internal applicants. I knew he'd get it when they asked him during the interview, "How would you handle having to point out mistakes to the current drafters working below you?" They obviously were considering him even though he was an "outside" applicant. I knew he had the experience that would give him the advantage.

I'm hoping he can start to settle in and get comfortable once again. I think it still hasn't sunk in. They moved his work space to an official employee cubicle, but I think he's still operating with caution so to speak. I'll have to get used to him potentially working more than 40 hours a week, but at least at this job, he gets paid overtime! His previous employer did not and the contract temp agency wouldn't approve any overtime hours.

I can smell our baking bread rolls. I suppose I should go and check on them. That's another perk to being home on an icy day. I can bake and warm up the house!

Stay safe everyone!

There's Not Enough Chocolate....

to help me deal with life's disappointments.

I can't believe its raining AGAIN. The garden is soaked and we have non-edible mushrooms growing in the lawn. I'm tired of it being so wet all the time. I don't think we'll ever get to use all that rainwater we collected. I should have planted rice.

Day 2 of missing DH, and I'm not doing as well distracting my loneliness. The boys are watching day 2 of E3 so I'm feeling a little unneeded.

We will lose our Badger Care health insurance because DH's new contract job pays too much. (Insert uncontrollable sarcastic laughter here) If the temp agency DH technically works for offers health insurance, we have no choice but to sign up for it. I'm sure the health insurance option with the temp agency will be basically no health coverage at all. They can't explain the coverage until we begin paying the premium. How messed up is that??!

It will be interesting to see if after paying health insurance premiums, and paying more for gas due to a daily commute if we'll come out ahead of what unemployment provided us to live on.  

I remember having to shop for health insurance last year, before DH was laid off. Most family monthly premiums were around $1200. That's unrealistic for a middle class family with a mortgage.

I once heard two men complaining about the new proposed government option requiring families who make $50,000 to spend about $500 a month on premiums. Personally, I want to know where can we sign up!! That's sounds like a good deal to me!

I know I shouldn't stress about it, but I got a copy of the medical bills when I had that UTI last month, while still covered under medicaid (Badger Care in Wisconsin). In total my infection cost $419 to treat. You see numbers like that and you don't want to go without health coverage. I saw one physician's assistant for about 3-4 minutes tops and peed in a total of two cups. How in the world can that translate to over $400???!!!

I know tomorrow I'll feel better. I just have to vent today.

I need to count my blessings.

1. DH is working and earning a wage that does pay more than unemployment. I shouldn't worry about counting those chickens coming from these eggs, insurance or not.

2. We all have our health and are taking steps to continue that, literally. (Walking has really helped me deal with this stress!)

3. I have two fine young men who continue to grow and thrive learning at home.

4. Bills are getting paid.

5. We have enough to eat.

6. We have shelter.

7.  We found wrinkle free shirts I can hang directly from the dryer!
 (I have zero ironing skills and DH now is required to wear a tie daily.)

Why We Continue To Homeschool While DH's Unemployed

Home Education Magazine is preparing an article for their summer issue. A reader is questioning whether they should continue homeschooling after her husband was laid off. It inspired me to share our view on this subject.

Why do we continue to homeschool while going through unemployment stress?

1. Its a part of real life. We learn by living. Sometimes life is good, sometimes its not, but to quote my favorite band, "Everyday above ground is a good one." Life goes on.

2. Challenges often are opportunities for learning and growth. As baby eagles mature, their parents change the nest. They remove the warm, cushy nesting and expose more of the scratchy sticks. The discomfort helps motivate the baby eagles to fly free. This stressful time in our lives will strengthen us and lead us to a better place.

3. Support- Keeping our family together means we can support and lift up each other. Why would we want to separate when staying together during this difficult time can only strengthen our bond?

4. Normalcy- When stress bombs shake your footing, its good to still have something to cling to and bring you back to solid ground. If we were to send the boys away to school, after they have always learned at home, it would add to the stress level, not make things easier.

5. Homeschooling can be inexpensive, even less expensive than school. - We've never had to pay school fees or break the bank during back to school shopping. Being life learners (unschoolers), we've never purchased boxed curriculum. The library is and always will be, our best friend! 

6. Flexibility- We are fortunate to live in a state where we have control over our home based private education. If we want our school hours to be the traditional 8:30-3:30, September through early June, or if we want to follow a different schedule, its our freedom to choose. This is partly why I can work the hours I do, opening some days and closing others. DH can job search and consider taking a first, second or even third shift position because he knows any of those schedules would still allow him time to spend with the boys because we can arrange our schedule to be what ever works for the family.

7. The timing. I can't help but think about how blessed we are to have had more access to DH now, when the boys are on the cusp of becoming young men. As they transition from boys to men, their father can be their role model. I also know I'm a better homeschooling mom because my husband has been given the chance to share our life learning opportunities these past 6 months.

8. I refuse to allow the Unemployment Monster to get my cubs! I will forever be in Mama Bear mode. I will never allow anything to get in the way of our ability to give our children the best. I know homeschooling is the best option for their education.
 
I know we still hope for the day when unemployment survival mode ends, and it will be difficult to not have him around so much, but I know this experience has strengthened us and our unschooling.

Our Valentine's Weekend..rolling into a ramble....

We invited G-Ma to visit for the weekend. We introduced her to 1 vs.100 and now she is hooked as well. Its absolutely crazy how time flies when you are playing 1 vs.100 on XBox live.

I snuck away for a short while to visit with my Diva sisters. The other Divas were not feeling well, so it was just me, my cousin and my aunt. They made me African Supper Plate. It was amazingly delicious. I snagged the recipe because I knew I'd have to make this again very soon. In fact, here it is 48 hours later, and I'm planning it for Monday night's supper.

Its white wine & curry marinated beef which you serve on top of rice. You top the beef with chopped tomatoes, cucumbers, green onions, pineapple chunks, mandarin oranges, nuts and flaked coconut. I can't explain it, but the fruit works with the veggies & meat very well.

We watched a great chick flick movie, My Life In Ruins, and now I want to travel to Greece.

Sunday, Valentine's Day, the menfolk took G-ma & I out for lunch at Laredos. I scored some amazing guacamole. They serve it in this authentic stone bowl, which if you want, you can take home with you for $30. Would I really use this bowl for anything else? Probably not. I decided to take my leftover guacamole home in Styrofoam instead. 

Overall, we had a great weekend, but it was over shadowed by unemployment stress. For at least the next two weeks, we have to go without filing for an unemployment check. DH is considering working on a potential project for his ex-boss. He won't actually get paid for it until May, but even so, because he "works" on it now, he can't file for unemployment. Whether you get paid now or later doesn't matter. Its the time frame when you do the work that matters.

We don't want to commit fraud and I don't want my husband to go to jail, so we're opting to be honest and not receive a check for a few weeks. We'll live off of the tax return and hope and pray DH's ex-boss actually does pay him in May. Its scary. I don't feel we can trust the man.

I'm still trying to focus on moving forward and keep hoping and praying there will be more opportunities to rise up out of this. Despite how great our family is and how blessed we are to have what we do, there is still this dark shadow over everything. You can't really enjoy anything fully, because underneath, you know the stress and uncertainly is still there. I can embrace my family and the fun we share, but when the pleasant distractions are over, reality bites you. Its the last thought you have before drifting off and the first conscious thought that greets you the next morning.

Every few days you break down, have a good cry, but then you pick yourself back up and keep looking for hope and opportunity. I have to keep telling myself this is making us stronger, but some days that's a tough sell.

Sometimes, you just dream about how you wish your life was going instead. It can be an escape, but it also teaches you what's really important. For me, my heart's desire is to be home with my boys, homeschooling them through high school. I'm happiest in my nest.

There's No Place Like Home...

This is Yumi's way of saying, I've been away too long. She doesn't want me to put on my coat and leave again.

This week was too busy. I had to spent too much time away from home, away from those I love and from the work I enjoy doing the most, taking care of my family. I'm really hoping someday to be able to get back to only working 3 nights a week, part-time.

Part of my work week had me in daycare centers, doing water safety demonstrations. I thought my presentations went pretty well, but I can't help but feel for those children. I know this will offend some, but there really is no place like home for child development. I can say this because I've been on both sides of the fence.

The three years my oldest spent in daycare still haunt me. Its my only regret in life. If I could go back in time, I would have left the corporate world sooner. No one can love your child the way you do, unconditionally. And discipline without unconditional love doesn't work.

I have nothing against early childhood education centers, but children shouldn't have to spend the majority of their conscious awareness hours with a teacher rather than a parent. Daycare centers have to structure the entire day in order to handle so many children, and all that structure doesn't allow for respecting a child's individual needs.

Its too bad we don't have more options for parents to stay home with their children. I would love to see early childhood learning centers where both parents and children could learn together. How fun would it be to attend preschool, enjoying games, arts and crafts, and stories together and then be able to continue the fun at home? Preschool teachers could be mentors for new parents showing them how to motivate creative learning within the home as well. Moms and Dads could meet others to establish supportive friendships.

Why does our society push for the separation of child and parent so soon? Is it because the government wants you to work to fuel the economy? How well is that working out right now? Is it because parents can't be trusted?

Or is it that many parents had children without realizing how much work it was going to be and they just want out?

I'll get off my soapbox now. I can be a downer when I'm stressed and depressed.

The boys and DH are addicted to 1 vs 100 on X-Box live. The past several nights they have been playing with great success, scoring many rounds in the top 100 out of over 10,000 plus players. If only they could play on a real game show and win us lots of dough! :) For trivia fanatics like us, this game is perfect.

DH's interview went very well, but he probably doesn't have all of the qualifications they are looking for. When he asked why we was chosen to interview since he clearly didn't have the required skills listed on his resume, the president of the company said, "Frankly, you wrote a cover letter. You would be surprised how many resumes we get without cover letters. It was your cover letter that made us want to meet you." Even if he isn't called back, it was reassuring to know he can interview very well and his resume and cover letter writing skills are above par. It was the boost I think he needed to keep going and not give up the search.

Tonight I think we'll do pizza and watch the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. All I want to do is get into my comfy clothes and de-stress. I really need to recharge this weekend because next week will be similar to this past one.

I Don't Feel Ready Yet...

If my house were clean, I'm sure I'd feel better. I probably will spend the better part of tomorrow cleaning. Its my only day I won't have to work up until Christmas Eve. Tempted by the potential for an increase on my paycheck, I've decided, like a moron, to cover a co-worker's shift on Sunday. Didn't I just tell myself I'd work on better late than never Christmas cards?

Since I began working at the pool, I'm used to taking off the last two weeks while we are in between lesson semesters. It always meant I could relax at the end of the year and enjoy the holidays. This year however, being in unemployment survival mode, I'm choosing to pick up extra shifts through the end of the year. I'll take off Christmas Eve through the weekend, but I've created a pile of projects to keep me busy otherwise.

Of course as we get closer to family arriving, I'm realizing, I shouldn't have agreed to this. I would feel better if I had more time to clean, bake and get into party mode. Although I tend to want to go overboard, so perhaps scaling back my preparation time is a good thing after all. I need to remember I have a house full of men who can help me clean too!

Christmas Eve, I'll be getting up earlier than any human should, and preparing to go on the local news. If you pick up NBC 15 out of Madison, you'll see me being interviewed regarding our family swim food drive. My boss couldn't make it and our marketing person didn't feel comfortable going on camera.

I'm doing it, because frankly, when it comes down to it, I don't care how fat and old I'll look on camera. I just want people to bring food donations for the food pantry!!!  I've come to really understand why so many families have to rely on food pantries.

I'm asking my husband to go with me, and I think the boys should go too because I could then turn the opportunity into a homeschooling "field trip."

"Let's check out a TV station kids!"

I'm sure they are not going to want to get up that early, and plus someone has to stay home and tape it. DH is already predicting it will be the most requested video during our Christmas visits with extended family.

... MUST FOCUS ON THE GREATER GOOD!

... MUST FOCUS ON THE FACT THIS HUMILIATION IS FOR CHARITY...

I probably shouldn't bring my kids because they are already hoping something crazy happens and the clip ends up on You Tube. I could just see them trying to make me laugh off camera or something worse.

I don't need 15 minutes of fame via a viral video. Really, I don't. I'm not going to scream if a lizard jumps on me or puke my guts out. Its going to be a boring lady, who needs a haircut and a little more makeup, talking about how you can swim for free if you bring in two non-perishable food donations.

It's not like its my first time on TV. I was on Bozo's Circus and even got to play Bozo's Buckets! Thankfully VCR's weren't around back then!!

All I Want For Christmas...

Tonight during supper, DS10 asked me what I wanted for Christmas. My initial response was to tell him nothing. I have everything I need. I know I said this because I didn't want him to worry about why there will be nothing under the tree for me this year. He did get me thinking though. What do I want for Christmas? A few real good things do come to mind.

1. A job for DH- Because I want him to feel valuable again. Its really starting to take a toll on him emotionally, and my husband is such a great man, he doesn't deserve this.

2. A job for DH - Because unemployment is impossible for a family of 4 to live on.

3. A job for DH - Because I'm worried every time I start to feel sick, or its starting to snow like crazy, I could miss out on work. If I don't work, I don't get paid.

4. A job for DH - Because I have two weeks left, and then my hours will be cut. My boss has been great, but the reality is, she has other staff that also need hours, and the winter session is less busy.

5. A job for DH - Because I want to pay bills on time.

6. A job for DH - Because I really understand now more than ever, how important it is NOT to carry debt.

7. A job for DH- Because house repairs are popping up, and we don't have the money to fix them.

8. A job for DH - Because car repairs are popping up, and we don't have the money to fix them.

9. A job for DH - Because even though that snowman shower curtain was so cute, I can't justify giving up $20 for it.

10. A job for DH - Because warmer footwear for winter would be nice.

11. A job for DH - Because I can't remember the last time I had my haircut.

12. A job for DH - Because I can't cut their hair either! (They still allow me to, but my men deserve to look good.)

13. A job for DH - Because Yumi is over due for her vaccines.

14.  A job for DH - Because I don't want to be nervous my debit card will be declined at the grocery store.

15. A job for DH - Because it will break my heart if we can't afford to travel to the family reunion next summer.

16. A job for DH - Because I miss being able to create art.

17. A job for DH - Because I want to buy pomegranates, and they're over $2 a piece.

18. A job for DH - Because DH hasn't enjoyed his popcorn fix in over 8 weeks.

19. A job for DH - Because I don't want to have to move out of our Sleepyhouse.

20. A job for DH - Because seeing the doctor or dentist is so expensive.

21. A job for DH - Because we're missing out on memories we could be making.

22. A job for DH - Because the ongoing uncertainty is stealing bit by bit, what little joy we can muster up.

Dealing With My Faults

I know I'm suppose to be taking this moment by moment, day by day. I'm just not feeling it. Its easier to worry than hope, and I know this is one of my faults.

This unemployment experience is really bringing my faults to the surface and forcing me to deal with them. Yesterday for example, I was feeling stable until my son pointed out on Facebook a co-worker of mine was wondering where I was. I had driven the pool car home, like I've done the past week or so, after delivering marketing. Apparently my boss was wondering when I was returning because she needed the car. Last week she told me it was ok for me to drive the car home on the days I run marketing out.

My reaction was one of tremendous stress. The last thing I want to do is upset my boss! I freaked out. I immediately tried to call my boss but got her voice mail. Panic began to set in until DH pointed out, no one had attempted to call my cell phone or home phone. Why rely on a Facebook update if she really needed the car? They could have called me if they really needed to get a hold of me.

What I'm struggling with is my reaction. I should not have stressed out. I think it ties in with the fact I feel lately I have no control over my circumstances. I hate this! We're 4 weeks in and bills are coming due. Its becoming more real now.

I so want my old life back, and I'm sure that's another fault of mine. Refusal to mourn, let go and move on. Maybe I'm suppose to work this thing in stages, riding up and down.

I feel like I can't take control and steer this ship where I want it to go. Its it the lack of choice, timing or my failure to get creative?

I'm grateful the boys are doing very well. They really haven't been effected at all. I can see how they support each other when DH & I can't be there, and that is a wonderful thing.

I try to take full advantage of the time I can share with them. It is apparent to me they need me less, but on the other hand, I don't want to be pulled too far away from them.

I better stop the soul searching and get moving. Action will make me feel better. It may be important to sit and think at times, but I shouldn't over think this.

We're trying to mull through it all...

Today's the first day DH didn't go to the office. He's not home though. He's helping his friend and ex-coworker install software on his home PC. They are hopeful they can perhaps do a bit of contract work from home to help make ends meet. His friend is in the same boat, a family man living paycheck to paycheck.

I got pissed off yesterday when I learned DH's EX-boss expected him to file for unemployment, but if work did come in, he would call him back and pay him hourly. I think he believes it could work like it does for seasonal construction workers. Well, apparently, a client contacted DH directly and asked if he'd work on his project at home. DH's EX-boss didn't like that idea because of course, he wouldn't get a cut. You see the EX-boss still has loans to pay and if DH works as an independent contractor, it makes DH the competition. The EX-boss would rather pimp out my husband.

I'm so digusted, I wish DH would just sever all ties, however he still is having trouble saying goodbye to his other team members, who also are getting screwed by the EX-boss. They may try to work on one last project together for a little extra cash, but the reality is, none of us have the resources to set up our own design firm.

Its been scary as I write out bills that I know we will have trouble paying next month. I think after the next two weeks, we'll have to start dipping into savings. DH has filed for unemployment, but we're thinking this is not going to be enough to cover everything. What scares me is hearing stories of how it could take months if not years, to find work. I can't fathom how we'd be able to survive past 3 months. We could end up destroying our credit rating, which ironically, potential employers now look at when they are determining whether to hire you! Talk about a catch 22!

I think all of this is beginning to effect our oldest son. He seems down, but in typical teenage fashion, when I try to ask him what's wrong, he says nothing. I know DH and I must model a good attitude and stay positive. This could be a huge learning opportunity for all of us.