Maybe it was because it was a Monday. Maybe it was because I was getting sick. Maybe I just need an unschooling mom day away. (Don't worry, its coming soon.) Maybe it was because someone knocked off my chain, and I chased my kids around because Karen Black wasn't available. My throat started feeling sore on Sunday and by Monday it was confirmed. I had something brewing. Determined not to miss my upcoming unschooling Pow Wow, I began to load up on Emergen-C, lots of hot tea and fresh fruit and veg. I also decided I needed rest. This formula has worked for me all winter.
Most of the day went according to plan. Then the Rats came. I had told the boys perhaps we could skip friends today. After all, the rats were here on Saturday from 10:30-5:30 and on Sunday from 10:30-2:30. The boys assured me they would be quiet so I could rest.
I went to lay down at 3:00pm. I never fell asleep. First the phone rang off the hook. The boys never answered it. Then the doorbell was non-stop. The real problem was the vent near my bed is right over the Boycave. I could hear every scream.
I lost it. I went downstairs and yelled for friends to go home. I didn't speak again to my children until their father arrived home.
I was so angry I didn't know myself. Maybe it was because my throat hurt or maybe it was because the boys very rarely disappoint me like this. I could tell the boys wanted to apologize but I wasn't ready to hear it.
In my head I was saying, "You have no respect for me! You knew I was not feeling well and wanted to rest! You said you would answer the phone and the doorbell! You said you could play quietly! I give you too much freedom! You don't think about anyone but yourself! MAYBE I SHOULD SEND YOU TO SCHOOL!"
This last thought shook me. I needed to call Dad.
"Dear Lord, I can't do this anymore. They don't respect me. I can't keep it all together. I'm getting sick, and I hurt! What am I going to do? I don't really want to send them to school. Punishment is not the answer. Why did this happen?!"
"One simply answer- You need to forgive them. They are 12 & 9 and they made a mistake. You made some too. You need to forgive them that's all."
Wow! He was so right! I needed to let go of the anger, let go of the self pity and forgive them. Most of the time they are wonderful, caring, compassionate young men. I blew it big time with my mommy temper tantrum.
The boys were in tears before DH got home. Supper was awkward even after I had told the boys I forgave them. It had put a damper on the entire evening even though we said what we needed to say to each other. I will never get back those few hours I gave to Darkside Dawn, when I could have been a loving mother instead of an angry one.
I prayed before I fell asleep and gave my throat pain away. I gave away all the stress and decided to "Let It Be".
This morning my throat feels a bit better and the boys are back to their normal unschooly selves. I'm on my way back to being my normal self too. Yeah! Thanks God!
