Friday, October 30, 2009

Feeling Optimistic

Today was better. My work went smoothly, with more businesses agreeing to display our pool brochures. Wednesday I had about a 50% rejection rate, but for some reason, it went much better today. Maybe it was a better part of town? (Less snooty.) DS14 is still embarrassed I've got the pool car parked in the driveway. I'll have to take a photo to show you tomorrow morning. Its a Volkswagen bug that has been wrapped with photos from our pool. My boss' adorable son in on the back window. Its an attention grabber, but that's the whole idea.

I came home tired, but it was good to be with family again. We had Mancakes for lunch and played games and watched scary movies all afternoon.

DH has more job leads, so I'm praying soon something works out. He went to a networking cocktail party, even though he doesn't drink. He made a few connections but an awkward moment happened as he was trying to leave the party. His inebriated ex-boss asked him, "So, is Dawn pissed at me." He thought for a moment about just lying, but for some reason out of his mouth came the truth.

I felt badly. DH said his ex-boss looked like he was going to break down. Maybe it was the alcohol, but I still felt bad that I had that effect on someone. I'm really hoping Sean can find work and we can put this all behind us. I'll even invite the ex-boss over for supper, once we can afford it!

Tonight we made home made pizza. We're getting more used to cooking and eating all of our meals at home, but I think the boys are starting to miss dining out. We used to get take out twice a week and go out for one sit down restaurant meal a week. Funny thing is, I'm not missing it. The only thing I'm looking forward to again is being able to buy what we want at the grocery store without worrying about it.

I don't mind cooking. In fact I'm excited that next Sunday, DH and I have a "date" to try and make real biscuits together. I'm talking the flaky, shortening kind! Sure they won't be healthy, but we need a treat every now and then, and they'll go great with a Sunday chicken supper. I'd bake them up this Sunday, but I'll be working. I have to put in the time if they have it for me.

Sunday at work we're having a Halloween pool party. I'm thinking of dressing up as Mother Nature. I can't be anything scary because we have little guys that come to the pool. I'm thinking the first half of the party will be crowded. We have over 110 kids signed up for swimming events. Come 3:00pm though, it could clear out. Sunday is the big game in Wisconsin. Packers versus the Farve Vikings. As for me, I'm a Bear's fan. :)

Tomorrow I'm going to sleep in. Although I enjoy working the opening shift because I get so much done, its so dark in the mornings. I don't want to think about what it will be like to get up when its COLD and dark.

I'm looking forward to the boys enjoying dressing up and trick or treating. We have a great neighborhood for it. Afterward, we'll watch scary movies including, Attack Of The Mushroom People! I love cheesy horror!

We're blessed because DMIL will join us. I'm also excited because she is bringing a new to us vacuum cleaner! Ours has been broken for two weeks now. Who would have thought I'd be looking forward to being able to vacuum the floor!

Its life's little blessings that are sustaining me these days. I still have moments, but overall, things feel more positive.  I just hope we can keep this going and bring prosperity rather than worry.

The pumpkins have only hours left. I don't think the governor will call. Mwahaha!!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Still On The Roller Coaster

I'm still trying to adjust to the changes in our lives since Oct 15th. The world hasn't ended, there's plenty to be thankful for, but I can't feel settled. Its the certain uncertainty.

I'm struggling to find balance again. Working more hours, not being around my kids, I feel like I'm losing a connection. I know they are benefiting from having dad around more and for the most part, their lives have not changed, but I miss not being able to share so much with them.

My calorie counting and exercising have been nonexistent this past week, something I KNOW I need to work on. I need to find a new routine, a new groove, instead of waiting to see where things will lead.

I used to enjoy planning for future fun, but now I don't feel confident making those plans. I don't know if the resources will be there, plus I can't guarantee if we'll be in the mood to enjoy it. Take Halloween for example. I can't believe its only days away. There's no excitement. Maybe its because we can't buy pile loads of candy, and we've canceled the post trick or treating party, but I think its more so because I haven't had time to get into it. I haven't had the time to decorate, do crafts and bake ghoulish treats. I'm worried Christmas will be like this.

I'm grateful the tree is already paid for and a few gifts did get purchased before the lay off, but I'm worried I won't have the time or spirit to give my family a warm, wonderful Christmas.

I'm hoping that in a few weeks, this new routine will feel better. Of course reality will hit after that first huge mortgage chunk comes out without the usual paycheck muscle we were blessed with before. That could make me stop mourning the loss of my free time because I'll have another loss to mourn- financial security.

I'm still on the roller coaster, only now it seems a little less up and down. I'm still unsure what lies ahead, another drop? But at least in a strange way the emotional game of job loss is getting predictable.

Monday, October 26, 2009

A quick post on what's up...

So much going on, so little time to blog.

I'm working more to help bring in more cash flow. I'm now driving to the pool 5 days a week. 3 mornings I leave the house at 5:00am to open and 2 days a week I'll still close. I don't want to think about how this is going to mess up my body clock. I should throw a sleeping bag and change of clothes in the car this winter just in case.

DH is meeting with an old client in the hopes he can freelance, but its not a permanent solution. It could pay better than unemployment though. I'm praying something comes along.

The boys lives haven't had to change and for that I'm grateful. I was worried having DH home more would change our unschooling, but its only enhanced it. Lately our favorite game has been Repeat Or You're Obsolete. We received it as a thank you gift for bird sitting. Its a memorization game everyone in the family can play. DH is really good at it, of course he's always had an amazing memory.

In some ways, I think because we are homeschooling, it's helping him get through this difficult time. I know it helps him when he can help us, even with small things. Everyone wants to have a purpose in life.

Yesterday we visited the zoo, and I took the photo of the Timber Rattler you see above. I think they are so beautiful. Its one of only 2 poisonous snake species in Wisconsin. The zoo was having a Halloween event so a little extra fun was to be had that day. The zoo keepers carved a pumpkin with several holes, they loaded the pumpkin with snakes, and then the snakes came slithering out of the holes in the pumpkin. It was very cool and creepy!

We we hoping to carve our pumpkins, but we ran out of time yesterday. Maybe tonight we'll get to it.

I have to get on the ball and finish the doughnut costume! My sewing machine is completely locked up so I hand stitched what I absolutely had to and now I'm painting the rest. DS14 still hasn't decided if he'll dress up. I know he wants the candy though!

I better get a move on. I just wanted to check in, jot a few notes and say a quick thank you to everyone praying and thinking positive thoughts for us. Take care of yourselves!




I'm in the twilight zone and I'm not referring to vampires.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Whole Wheat Banana Oatmeal Breakfast muffins


Description:
3 Days a week, I have to get up way too early. On those mornings, I'm planning on enjoying these muffins for breakfast. I tweaked the recipe to make it more healthy.

Ingredients:
Dry ingredients:

1 C whole wheat flour
1 C Oats
1/4 C sugar
3 t baking powder
1/4 t salt
1/2 C dried cranberries
1/2 C chopped dates

Wet ingredients:

2 mashed ripe bananas
3 T applesauce
1 egg
1 C skim milk

Topping - cinnamon & brown sugar - spoonful of each mixed together


Directions:
Preheat the Oven to 350. Spray a muffin tin with non-stick spray. Mix the dry ingredients in on bowl, and the wet ingredients in another. Add the two mixtures together and don't over blend. Fill muffin cups 3/4 way full and top with cinnamon brown sugar topping.

Bake for 15-20 minutes

Hoping to get out and enjoy the sun today, I'm thinking maybe the zoo.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Counting My Blessings....

1. We have a modest house, with a modest mortgage payment that thankfully the unemployment checks will cover. God put us here for a reason.  Even if we can't pay all the bills, we won't lose the house.

2. I'm not getting full blown sick, but keeping this at a very manageable, tiny annoyance of a cold. Veggies, honey, apple cider vinegar, raw garlic and Emergen-C are my immune system's best friends.

3. My friends! Prayer warriors, positive thinkers- I love you all!! I truly can feel how your prayers and positive vibes are lifting me up.

4. My job! I am so blessed to be working for great people!

5. The changing colors. The leaves, still on the trees and on the ground are both so beautiful. I really noticed the huge variety of colors today and it inspired me.

6. The gas station had sugar free french vanilla cap, any cup size I wanted for .99 cents!

7. Its not snowing, just raining.

8. Take and bake Infusinos cheese pizza

9. Tea lights, candles and lanterns in my living room making my nest cozy

10. A weekend full of possibilities!

Feeling better- looking forward to spending time with my family, sewing a giant doughnut and working from home a bit. After you hit bottom, everything is up from there.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

We're trying to mull through it all...

Today's the first day DH didn't go to the office. He's not home though. He's helping his friend and ex-coworker install software on his home PC. They are hopeful they can perhaps do a bit of contract work from home to help make ends meet. His friend is in the same boat, a family man living paycheck to paycheck.

I got pissed off yesterday when I learned DH's EX-boss expected him to file for unemployment, but if work did come in, he would call him back and pay him hourly. I think he believes it could work like it does for seasonal construction workers. Well, apparently, a client contacted DH directly and asked if he'd work on his project at home. DH's EX-boss didn't like that idea because of course, he wouldn't get a cut. You see the EX-boss still has loans to pay and if DH works as an independent contractor, it makes DH the competition. The EX-boss would rather pimp out my husband.

I'm so digusted, I wish DH would just sever all ties, however he still is having trouble saying goodbye to his other team members, who also are getting screwed by the EX-boss. They may try to work on one last project together for a little extra cash, but the reality is, none of us have the resources to set up our own design firm.

Its been scary as I write out bills that I know we will have trouble paying next month. I think after the next two weeks, we'll have to start dipping into savings. DH has filed for unemployment, but we're thinking this is not going to be enough to cover everything. What scares me is hearing stories of how it could take months if not years, to find work. I can't fathom how we'd be able to survive past 3 months. We could end up destroying our credit rating, which ironically, potential employers now look at when they are determining whether to hire you! Talk about a catch 22!

I think all of this is beginning to effect our oldest son. He seems down, but in typical teenage fashion, when I try to ask him what's wrong, he says nothing. I know DH and I must model a good attitude and stay positive. This could be a huge learning opportunity for all of us.

Woke up with a cough. My mantra today is- I cannot get sick. I cannot get sick. I cannot get sick. I'm mixing up honey and apple cider vinegar and hoping for the best!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I think its safe to blog now....

The news is out where it needs to go, so close loved ones won't have to read it here and be shocked. Funny how DH asked me ,"Did you Facebook the news yet?" No! I can show restraint!

On Thursday, DH was given his paycheck with the words, "Here's your paycheck. Its probably the last one I can give you for awhile."

Its very strange. His boss has run out of money for the company. This would mean a lay off right? Well, the boss also said there is a slim chance the client they are working for right now, may be able to "pick up your salaries." So is he laid off or isn't he? The reality is, they have all this work completed, and more they could do, but the clients are not paying their bills.

I'm very frightened. DH is the main bread winner. I only work part time. I know this is happening all over the country, and we're not the only family going through this, but I can't shake the depression I'm feeling.

Added to this stress, I've been betrayed by a close family member. When you say to someone, "Out of all our family, you're the only one I can tell this to because I know you understand and won't criticize me like the rest of our family would,"  you would think this means, its a secret, don't tell anyone! Well, she blabbed and what I feared would happen, did indeed happen. So now I'm struggling with having to find forgiveness.

Its not like I was going to keep this secret from the rest of my family forever. I just needed the chance to choose the best timing.

I come from this anti-emotional family, that believes picking on you is a sign of affection. I'm wired completely the opposite. I will say out loud, "I love you," several times a day. The family I grew up with, never uses these words with each other. Out of all my siblings, there was one who could understand me, and now I'm pissed off and feeling betrayed by her.

I thank God I have my husband, my children and my mother in law.

Of course the Christian Universalist in me knows, we are all bound together. Friends or enemies, we have no choice but to spend all eternity together. This is why God tells us to forgive all, and the greatest commandment is to love all.

I know no one is perfect and all of humankind has the potential to fail you. People are broken. They can try their best, but its never going to be good enough. So I need to forgive everyone, love everyone and realize there really is only one I can turn to who won't fail me, God. And because he loves everyone, he isn't going to choose sides. I have to get over this sibling rivalry and remember, one day, I will have to sit next to the person who wronged me. If I don't forgive them and love them unconditionally, how will I have peace?

I may feel like the world is crapping down on me, but I can open up an umbrella. I'll use life's accessories, (blessings),  to get me through this storm. 

Thursday, October 15, 2009

13 Thursday Thoughts

1. Saw "INFYDL" yesterday on a special military honor plate. I thought that rocked! I'm a peaceful person, but I had to admire this veteran's moxie.

2. Not enough of one kind of cereal to make one whole serving- I'm having a cereal buffet for breakfast.

3. I should design a bowl with separate compartments, that still allows for milk to flow through.

4. Wow. Even while composing your blog post, Multiply has found a way to throw advertisements at you. Am I subconsciously being hypnotized to buy "Tousle Me Softly"?

5. Wondering if I'll ever find the time to plant bulbs, of course do I really want to dig out in cold, 40F, wet weather? Ground squirrels are probably hoping I do.

6. I'm tired of all the H1N1 flu scare crud. Now people are jumping on the bandwagon, claiming to have Swine Flu when they really don't. There are lots of other viruses out there, and news flash, we don't have vaccines for all of them! Just follow healthy habits and get over it. (I mean that both literally and figuratively.)

7. I'm worried our naughty parakeets, Gust and Tornado, will teach Gilbert, the parakeet we're babysitting, bad behavior. Gilbert is a sweet bird, but by the time his owners return, he'll be ready to star in a Hitchcock remake.

8. How can October be half over? I haven't even started sewing costumes yet.

9. It doesn't seem fair. I've been eating religiously healthy all week, and my once clear face is beginning to break out. DH thinks its all the good stuff pushing out the toxins. Why does it have to push it out on my face!

10. I should pay bills online after I finish this. Eh...

11. DH shocked me by telling me he would consider moving to Vegas. He'll have to go without me. I'M A TREE GIRL!!!

12. I fear I may go to Costco before work today. Darn coupons!

13. Time to put on the exercise gear and Demand a little a Runway.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Baked Whole Wheat Shells & Cheese


Description:
UNBELIEVABLY DELICIOUS! You would never know this was only 260 calories a cup with 12 grams of protein. Its comfort food you don't have to feel guilty about. It comes together pretty easy, there's no reason to buy yucky store bought mac and cheese dinners. Serve with a large side of vegetables for a complete meal.

Ingredients:
1 T Smart Balance spread or other butter substitute
2 T flour
1 T garlic powder
2 C skim milk or non fat milk
1/2 C shredded low fat cheddar cheese
2 T grated Parmesan cheese
2 C cooked whole wheat shell pasta or use traditional elbow pasta
1/2 C Italian seasoned bread crumbs


Directions:
Preheat oven to 350
Spray a 6 cup baking dish with non stick cooking spray
-In a saucepan, melt the Smart balance and stir in garlic powder and flour, cooking for one minute
-Whisk in the milk, and bring mixture to a boil
-Reduce heat and simmer 5 minutes
-Remove from heat and add the cheddar cheese and Parmesan cheese
-Stir in the cooked pasta
-Transfer the mixture to your prepared baking dish and top with bread crumbs.
-Lightly spray the top of the bread crumbs with non stick cooking spray
-Bake for 30 minutes or until top browns slightly

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Pumpkin Picking 2009




Pumpkin picking at Boo's patch- our favorite local pumpkin farm. They always have the most huge and unique pumpkins to choose from. I think I may have pushed DH's back muscles a little too far this year.

"Love ain't love until you give it up.." - Vedder

Catching Up....

While the cinnamon rolls enjoy their last rising, I'll try to jot a few notes here, rambling, babbling style.

We tagged our Christmas tree yesterday. I was worried we wouldn't find one as the farm we traditionally purchase our tree from, has had flood damage, and their tree inventory is dwindling. We found a Balsam Fir rather quickly though, as if it was waiting just for us. We'll head back the day after Thanksgiving, saw it down and bring it home.

The tree farm offers early tagging of their Christmas trees so that you can hunt for your tree before it gets too cold. Ironically, it snowed yesterday. We had our first snow flurries of the season, but thankfully, they didn't stick around. I'd like to know where our Indian Summer is.

Somehow, our house is staying warm and we haven't had to turn our heat on yet. At night our comforters help, and during the day, I'm usually baking something in the oven which helps heat our main level. After living in both styles of home, I can say I really do prefer ranch with a basement. The basement naturally holds a comfortable underground temperature, cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter.

Our underground is also holding 7 teen aged boys at the moment. DS14's sleep over was last night. During the week they worked hard at cleaning up the basement, I mean Mancave, and they are enjoying their game all night, no sleep weekend. The only thing I've had to do is provide pizza and the traditional homemade cinnamon roll breakfast. (Which I should now throw into oven. Be right back.)

I even snuck out with my sister for a little shopping, while DH provided the necessary adult supervision. It was mostly dream shopping though, since earlier this week, I had to remove a big chunk of funds for car maintenance. It hurt, but had to be done.

What also hurts, but has to be done, is my having to really watch everything I eat. I thought I was doing a great job, walking, eating more fruit and veg, but at my doctor's checkup, my weight was up along with my blood pressure. It was quite a shock, because I thought I had been doing everything right. I felt lost, but after the shock and depression wore off, I'm back in the fight.

On the plus side, I haven't been full blown sick in a very long while, so I know the healthy food and walking has helped. What I probably didn't have control of was portion size and sodium intake. So now I'm measuring everything along with counting calories using igoogle's free calorie counter application. It makes logging what I eat a little less painful, but I'm a bit obsessed with numbers.

Maybe its my frugal, penny pinching nature, but I don't want to see that calorie number climb. I have to be careful though, because years ago, I developed an eating disorder, trying to consume as little calories as necessary. I wasn't anorexic, but I was not eating healthy when I was trying to get by on 500 calories a day.

I'm trying for a more realistic 1500-1800 with 45 minutes of exercise a day. My doctor was great in suggesting I only try to lose 3 pounds in 8 weeks, but what has me more concerned is the blood pressure number. That's the real number I want to see come down.

I better go and make up some icing for the rolls. Talk to you later! :) 

Monday, October 05, 2009

Can't Believe He Is 14 Today!

How can one of my babies be so old?

How can he now be only 1 year away from getting a learner's permit and driving a car?

How can he be sleeping this day away?

I should wake him up. 14 years ago today, around this very same time of the morning we did. We took him from his protected, warm place of growth and with his first breath, he began to scream.

My first thought was- Oh NO! My baby boy is really angry!! I couldn't see him at first. I was strapped down and paralyzed, a major downside to having a C-section. I was assured the crying was a good thing, but when you can't see your crying infant and your abdomen is sliced wide open, you feel very helpless.

Safe and securely wrapped, burrito style, Jakob stopped crying in the arms of my husband. From my horizontal vantage point, my first sight of my son was of his little pinky finger, all curled in. It looked exactly like my husband's, and I knew right away, this was my baby! 

Jake has always looked just like my husband, perhaps with a little bit of my genes softening the edges, and as he grows, he shows more of my husband's mannerisms and personality traits. His taste bud DNA has to be from his father as well.

We took him out to eat, in honor of his birthday, and he chose Red Lobster for all you can eat shrimp scampi. He really enjoyed it and so did my husband of course! Jared skips ordering a meal at Red Lobster, preferring to fill up on cheddar biscuits. Can't say I blame him. Those cheesy, garlic rolls are awesome! Grandma had Flounder, and I ordered my usual Tilapia with garlic mashed potatoes- better than cake and ice cream if you ask me!

Speaking of cake and ice cream, we had a little pre-birthday party celebration with our cousins Saturday night. I ate too much sugar and it only confirmed to me, its worth it to keep making healthy food choices. I was sure I was getting the stomach flu, but it must of just been the crud I ate. Its not worth losing out on the opportunity to celebrate with family because you make yourself ill with poor food choices. I'm not a kid anymore. I can't tolerate the occasional sugar binge without repercussions.

We gave DS14 his presents Sunday night, thinking he could spend all of today enjoying them. I've heard a rumor he didn't go to bed last night until 5:00am. I better allow him to sleep in while I get all nostalgic.

Would you want an implantable chip that tells the world you have a virus in you? Copy and paste this link: http://www.reuters.com/article/hotStocksNews/idUSTRE58K4BZ20090921 Please don't allow fear to control you!

Thursday, October 01, 2009

How Can It Be October already?

Life seems to be moving too fast. Maybe its everything on my plate, but another part of me wonders, is the earth spinning around the sun faster? How would we know if the entire universe sped up?

When I ponder these questions, I also realize I can look back at my past and feel those memories were created so long ago, yet also close by as well. I can feel an eternal connection, but also the movement of time forward gives me the dizzies from time to time.

Its about time management and prioritizing. Some days though, I have to give these tasks up and just go with the flow. It was once explained to me, I prefer to ride the raft, not cling to the sides of the bank. I was also told though, my river runs deep.

I suppose I should then realize, deep waters mean less rapids! So why does it feel right now, like I'm about to be thrown from the boat? Maybe its time to dig my paddle in and find those deeper waters?

This blog post was a good place to start, don't you think?:)