44 And Fearless

Here's a photo of me with the new haircut as promised. I had let 8 months go by without getting a trim. I'm vowing not to let that happen again, and I won't be afraid of hairdressers who cut too much off. I had decided it was time I do something for myself, and my new motto is to be 44 and fearless.

My family gave me a wonderful birthday last weekend. They made a card which was hilarious, gave me thoughtful gifts and fed me tasty food.

We have a tradition in our family to make homemade cards for one another. It started when we decided store bought cards lacked creativity and humor and just weren't worth the cost of $3-$4. My card this year was a Facts Of Life card, complete with photos of Blair and Natalie. It cracked me up.

My family picked out a beautiful cermanic lantern for me. I have a lantern collection, and now I need to figure out how to best hang them. I also received beautiful, sparkling crystal rings from each of my sons.

I began my new year feeling pretty good, but my motto was tested Tuesday when unexpectedly, trigeminal neuralgia slammed me across the face with its electrified baseball bat. I hadn't experienced an attack at that pain level in several weeks. I was back in bed, curled up, praying it would stop in time for me to drive to work. Thankfully it did, but I've had aftershocks, and I'm back on pain meds.

When I'm in the throws of pain, unable to function, its easy to become overwhelmed with fear. The challenge is becoming not so much how do I make this pain go away- the reality is it won't. The real challenge is how do I relax and not tense up in fear.

I do believe being afraid of the pain, makes it worse. Doctors are studying this as the nocebo effect, when a patient is told of side effects of drugs, or that a procedure will be painful, it does cause the patient to experience those side effects or feel increased pain. I believe fearing my pain, makes it worse, so I'm going to try to relax more and not be afraid.

I'm adding meditation and relaxation to my treatment plan. I did so before going to sleep last night, and I slept almost 11 hours without pain medication!! No surprise my TN is feeling much better today.

Fearless and 44, that is me. Yes, I will be tested, but I know what it is I need to do to make the fear disappear.

Moving quickly to the lifeboats from this sinking ship. I'm sure I'll figure out how to row my new blogging homes, http://dawninger.livejournal.com/ and http://dawninger.blogspot.com/

Rocking My Awesome

I've been spending my last days as a 43 year old superstar with as much awesome as I can muster up. I chopped off 5 inches of my hair. This was drastic for me. I had not cut my hair since November 28, 2011. The hairdresser finished cutting, and I found myself without any hesitation asking her to cut more, go shorter. I normally feel awkward having my hair cut. I had felt spending the money on myself was inconsiderate. Something has changed in me. Cutting my hair and doing something just for me felt right.

Yesterday I took the boys out for lunch and then for a swim. It was such a pleasure having both of my sons wanting to join in. We haven't been swimming together in a long while. My usually hesitant son had such a great time, he suggested we make this a Friday ritual, enjoying a swim together. Sounds like a great idea to me!

After our swim they agreed to go NOT BACK TO SCHOOL shopping. We found new jeans for only $12 a pair at JCPenneys. It was a treat, being able to actually shop for clothes with my teenaged sons. I wish it would have lasted longer.

I made homemade pizza and homemade cinnamon rolls Friday evening. It's been so long since I've felt well enough to bake, I truly enjoyed it. It wasn't a chore at all. Being in the kitchen again has motivated me to clean it up and re-organize it. I have missed having this productive outlet.

Today I did something completely unexpected. My family had told me about this huge spider, hanging out just over a doorway. The spider's body was about the size of a quarter with long, 2 inch legs creepily clinging to the wall. Normally I would make my husband use a container to capture the freaky thing and set it free outside. (We only crunch and crush if left no other choice.) Without thinking too much about it, I grabbed the container and made the spider jump in. It ran quickly up the side of the container, but I managed to get the lid on instead of dropping it and running for safety.

I have more courage these days, or maybe I'm becoming more impulsive? Either way, I know I'm changing. I don't want to be afraid and live in fear. I'm eager to find joy, even in small things. I've sat outside, inches away from the humming bird feeder and as the little birds come to drink, I feel life is good. I have a painful affliction, but life is beautiful. Sitting within inches of a tiny creature I find miraculous, I believe miracles are being given to me everyday. Life is awesome. I feel awesome. There is a pain in my face, but there's too much fun in this world to allow this pain to define me.

Backup Plan

As you can see from the date of the previous post, I abandoned my blogger years ago to journal on Multiply. With Multiply closing, I'm forced to find a new home for my online thoughts. In hindsight, I wish I would have been backing up all my posts on a second site. This is my plan for moving forward.

I've set up a Livejournal account, and I will do my best to re-post my entries here on blogger.

My Multiply friends and splitting and scattering to the corners of the web-i-verse. I hope to remain in touch with everyone and make new friends in the transition. When one door closes, another opens. If not, I'm ready to break a window!

Everybody is setting up shop in different places. I keep bookmarking all these new blog sites, so hopefully I won't lose touch, but I will miss how easy it was to receive updates in one spot.

Trying out Livejournal, and so far, I'm feeling pretty comfortable. Here's my first post: http://dawninger.livejournal.com/641.html

Multiply is closing, which means I will have to move my blog. Friend me on Facebook, if you haven't already, so we don't lose touch. If you have found a new social blogging site that works well, please let me know. I remember when we all moved from yahoo 360 years ago and now here we go again. www.facebook.com/dawninger

I dreamed I was harvesting potatoes from my garden. The potatoes came out as cute, adorable puppies. After harvesting dozens of puppies, in dream logic, I became horrified, realizing that potatoes came from puppies. There was no way I could kill puppies just to eat potatoes. I have no clue what this dream means. Maybe that I'm not suppose to eat potatoes?

Write For 5 Minutes About Something That Stresses You

I participate in Me, You, Health's daily challenge and today's challenge was to write for 5 minutes about something that stresses you. I thought I'd write in here.

Trigeminal Neuralgia stresses me out.

Trigeminal Neuralgia is known to be one of the most painful conditions to man. Doctors refer to it unofficially as suicide disease because so many people with TN take their lives because the pain is too great to bare.

Your trigeminal nerve comes down your face, with branches spreading out over your forehead, cheek and jawline. In my case, it has attacked the left side of my face.

At its worst, I've been curled up in the fetal position, with the pain level at 9 out of 10. Episodes last anywhere from 20-60 minutes and the frequency of attacks for me varies. The worse series I had was two 40 minute, level 8 attacks within 15 minutes of one another.

When I'm having an attack of that intensity, I can't function. When I can't function it stresses me out. I have high expectations for myself to meet up and exceed my responsibilities. My family, my job, not being able to serve to the best of my capabilities really brings me down.

In addition to being depressed about not being able to function, I walk around in a constant state of anxiety. I never know when the next attack will happen. Will I be home and be able to lay down? Will I be at work and have no choice but to literally grin and bare it while trying to help customers? Once I had an attack while driving. I should have pulled over, but I was stressed about making it to work on time. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I worry about the fact medications only work for a certain length of time. Your body develops a tolerance you see, and eventually, you end up having to take such a high dose of anti-seizure medication you lose muscle function and coordination. I don't want to become a zombie. Zombies don't function too well either, so either way, its lose for me.

Surgery scares me too. The variety of procedures are destructive, and there is always a risk of further complications. Many patients of TN who have had surgery report the pain relief is only temporary and comes back.

I worry about not being able to continue working. My part time income really helps us make ends meet every month.

I stress over making future plans because I don't know how I will be feeling.

I stress over being downer Dawn. No one wants to be around someone depressed and stressed out all the time.

I stress over how this is effecting my family. They have needs of their own. I don't want to diminish the quality of their lives, as the quality of mine slips away.

When I'm having an episode, and the pain overwhelms, it is very easy to understand why no one wants to go through life this way. I wouldn't wish this pain on my enemy. When I'm in that dark moment, it feels like this is too great a burden to carry for a lifetime.

I have to remind myself to be grateful. I have to fight and lift myself up whenever I can, remembering those dark moments are always followed by love and light.

I'm grateful my TN was diagnosed before I needlessly had dental work. Many unfortunate people with TN go through multiple root canals and tooth extractions only to discover the pain is still there.

I'm grateful my small town doctor knew of it and knew to prescribe a certain medication.

I'm grateful Tegretol for now, is bringing me some relief.

I'm grateful this has happened while we have decent health insurance.

I'm grateful to have the support of my husband, family and friends. I really do feel uplifted by their prayers and positive thoughts. I take all that healing energy and move forward as much as I can in between dark times. I know with all that help, I will be able to continue.

I'm grateful for my heavenly Father. In my darkest moments, when I can't feel the love and support of my family & friends, I can still feel God's presence. His love never fails. In the throws of pain, I give each moment of suffering to him and he tells me I will never have to suffer that moment again. It is gone and I'm continually moving forward. Moment by moment, I give them away, never to be suffered again. Before I know it, I'm out of the pain tunnel and back into the light and joy.

So that's my 5 minutes of writing, well maybe a little more, about what is stressing me out lately.  

Pinterest Win! Crusty Bread Goodness

I saw this recipe originally on Pinterest and it sounded too good to be true. Could I really bake artisan bread so easily, without kneading?

The original author suggested using a Le Creuset, enamel coated cast iron pot. I showed my husband the photo on Pinterest and he said, "Buy one." Yes, the appearance of this bread alone holds power.

With his blessing, I went to order a beautiful, blue Le Creuset online, then stopped dead in my tracks. HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS FOR A POT???!!!

I thought about finding a cheaper version until I learned my mother in law had one of these precious Le Creuset pots. She received it as a farewell gift when she retired.

I don't know how I'm not going to tear into this loaf of heaven before the husband returns home. Something tells me I'll be stirring up another loaf tonight, to bake in the morning. 

If you have dental work done, make sure your dentist doesn't use injections that contain vasoconstrictors. Epinephrine is added to prolong numbing, however it is a vasoconstrictor which can damage your nerves. I have no proof, this is what happened to me, but I wish I could go back in time and ask my dentist to use Mepivacaine or Carbocaine. Those two medicines do not contain vasoconstrictors.

First available appointment with a neurologist- end of August. The receptionist asking me what the appointment is for and then saying, "Oh, you poor dear," not helping. Grateful my regular doctor is phoning in a prescription for pain meds. Trigeminal neuralgia, I hate you. I will defeat you!

I want to thank everyone for your prayers and/or uplifting thoughts. Emotionally I feel lifted and physically all of the episodes I've gone through the last 24 hours have been pain level 5 out of 10 or less! That's a great improvement for me! I'm learning new pain relieving techniques, and I'm hopeful I will overcome this. Thank you for your love and support!

One Step Forward, Yanked Two Steps Back

I've been given the opportunity to learn how to function while in extreme pain. The clinical diagnosis is trigeminal neuralia. I know soon, my general practitioner will be referring me to a neurologist because the prescription medicine doesn't appear to be working for me.

At any given moment, without a warning, without a trigger, the left side of my face screams out in electrical, sharp, paralyzing pain. It also attacks the left side of my tongue. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst imaginable, my pain level often reaches 9, and I find myself in the fetal position consumed in misery. Its a pain I wouldn't wish on my enemy.

When I'm not being attacked, I walk around in fear, wondering when the next assault will happen. Will I be home and able to lay down? Will I be at work and have to fight through it to keep a smile on my face for customers? To look at me, you cannot see anything wrong with me. 

There is a high rate of suicide among people afflicted with trigeminal neuralgia. Doctors say this is one of the most painful conditions known to man.

I'm praying I will be cured. I'm praying I will be delivered from this pain. I'm praying I will not fall further into the depression I am now slipping into. 

I'm posting two videos below, mostly for my future reference as I navigate this new challenge in my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYpWgeC3K-s&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypckUpTtXPs&feature=related

My Poor, Poor, Garden

These are suppose to be cucumbers. Our area is going through a drought, so I've been watering everyday. Unfortunately, we're on a city water system, and I believe they add too much chlorine. I have several plants that have gone from thriving to dying even though I've been watering faithfully.

If it wasn't the drought, it was pests. I was trying to be organic and not use chemicals. I attempted to pick off most of the bugs I could by hand, but they just got too numerous for me to keep up with. I know bunnies ate my broccoli, but that wouldn't have grown to maturity in this hot weather.

Its very discouraging, and I find myself questioning whether its worth it to garden. Something inside of me doesn't want to give up though. I did all I could. The weather just didn't cooperate this year.

I plan on reworking the beds and trying for some fall, salad type crops. I can always hope for better weather. 

Feeling sad for my garden. I've been watering everyday, but I'm still losing plants. We've had 100+ temps and no rain for about a month. I've had no choice but to use city water, and I think its too high in chlorine. Maybe I should invest in a filter for my garden hose?

Why I Hate The Mom's Hostage Toy Bin Photo

My 16 year old son wiped off the table we had just finished eating at in Taco Bell. He didn't wipe it off because I asked him to. He didn't wipe it off because he was fearful I would take his cheese & lettuce crumbs and make him do a chore to get them back. (Wait, I'm guessing the "toys for ransom" method of teaching responsibility would backfire when it comes to food crumbles.)

He witnessed how busy the Taco Bell worker was trying to keep up with the register and cleaning tables. He chose to wipe down the table as a gesture of caring and respect.

Not once while raising him did we ever have to hold his toys hostage. Instead my husband & I modeled how you wipe down a table at home because it leaves it clean for the next time you need it.

Sometimes, he leaves his hoodie on the couch. I'll gladly hang it on his hoodie hook in his room. Sometimes I leave my water glass on the end table. He carries it to the sink for me. I will fold the clothes from the dryer, but sometimes my back doesn't allow me to carry it upstairs. If I leave the basket at the bottom of the stairs, the next person in my nest always brings it up, without comment or complaint. He decides to head out and ride his bike. He'll bring in the mail before he closes the garage door after he's returned. Cat drops a bomb, first one who smells it scoops it because we all know, Yumi can't flush.

Maintenance in our Sleepyhouse is shared by all who live here because we love and respect each other. Our children learned this because we modeled love and respect. It was easy. We didn't have to motivate them using fear of punishment. 

Other parents may think Mom's hostage toy bin is a wonderful idea, but I prefer to have my children make noble decisions because it is what is righteous, not because they fear loss or fear getting into trouble.

A supermom I know has written an excellent blog post on this debate. She covers every valid point and in my opinion, wins this debate hands down. Click here to read it.

My mom taught me the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Its not that difficult to raise responsible children using this method.

Love In Every Stitch - Hats Available

I have been knitting hats on a circle loom in memory of a beloved little guy who tragically has drown. His mama has always been a very inspiring woman to me, and my heart was broken when I heard of her loss. I cried, I prayed, but until my fingers reached for my yarn stash, I felt so helpless.

Elijah's mama loves the color red. She wears it often, and it was her favorite color to dress little Elijah in. The color red has a special meaning to me as well. When I visualize God comforting me, he wraps me up in a red blanket of love.

I decided to turn my grief to action and knit hats with red pom poms. My hope is people will buy them from me, and I can donate 100% of the money to the Elijah Rainbow Memorial Fund. Click here to see the Facebook page. There is a Mycause site where you are able to donate as well, click here.

I have no experience with Etsy or with selling anything ever online. I have no idea how I will be able to sell my hats, but I'm hoping and praying those details will work themselves out, and I will soon be able to bless this family who has suffered such a terrible loss.

I know what it feels like to not be able to hold your little one in your arms because they're in heaven. I also know the love and support we can share with each other will help us through, until we can once again wrap our arms around those we love in heaven.

If you are interested in purchasing a hat, please contact me. I have infant, child and adult sizes and a few other colors if you'd like something other than turquoise & navy. Each hat will have a red pom pom in memory of Eljiah Rainbow, but that can be removed if you prefer not to have a pom pom.

(I'd also appreciate anyone who can advise me on how, and where I can sell my Elijah Rainbow hats.)

Thank you.  


 

Food For Fines time once again at the library. I love this! Living as autodidacts, its a given we very often have library late fees. Usually I tell myself to think of overdue fines as "library donations." When they have the Food For Fines drive, I feel better dropping off jars of peanut butter and tuna for needy families in my town. It actually may cost me more, but without the free school breakfast & lunch programs for many of our town's kids during the summer, I can't help but feel better about this opportunity to help out.

My Dirty Girl Experience June 30,2012

The Dirty Girl Run is a 5K mud run obstacle course. I had such a wonderful time! It was awesome to be supported by most of my family and having all my sisters there either participating with me or supporting me made it even more special. I can't wait to do it again!

We signed up last March and decided to name our team, The Mudtinis Skaken Not Stirred. I built up my endurance, walking up to 3+ miles several times a week. I knew I could go the distance, but I was worried about our extreme hot weather. Turns out all that mud really does keep you cooled off. Elephants really are smart.

The Course:

The first obstacle was the hay bales. They were stacked up maybe 15-20 feet high. Climbing over them was a little unnerving because they were starting to fall apart. Depending on where you stepped, you could find yourself sinking in. When we were on the course, it was late morning. I don't think those bales made it through the day.

Next came several muddy water pits. These were cool and refreshing but my knees got scraped up. Little bits of gravel from the mud had settled on the bottom. Next time, I'm wearing knee pads.

The one obstacle I didn't do was the wall. There was a huge line of women, waiting for their turn to try and get over it. None of my sisters wanted to wait so we walked around it.

They had several water stations throughout the course and given the temperature was in the 90's with a heat index around 100, I made a point to drink at every water station whether I thought I needed it or not. I covered my head with a bandana so my scalp wouldn't burn and my skin was covered by several layers of sunscreen.

The walk itself we took slow and steady. The ground was very hard and dry with ruts all over. I have no idea how anyone could run without turning an ankle. Most everyone doing the "run" was actually walking.

There was a huge dirt hill with a steep way up and down. They had ropes to help you climb up and repel down with. I wasn't sure I could do it, but I did! When I got to the top, it didn't feel so difficult after all. Repelling down went smooth as well. It was really mind over matter.

We ran through tires both on the ground and another obstacle where they were hanging up.

We climbed through stretchy ropes that had you feeling you were going to get stuck as if some giant spider was waiting for a meal.

There were sandy, dirty hills a dirt bike would love, but your human knees, not so much. The last hill was pretty steep, and just as I thought I wouldn't make it, another event participant, a complete stranger, turned and offered me her hand. This event had that girl power spirit. We were all there to help each other through it.

I had made up my mind I was going to master the cargo net climb. I have a fear of heights and this obstacle was pretty high, but after the steep hill with the ropes, I decided this course was mostly mental, not physical. I attacked it focusing on grabbing securely with each hand and really planting my foot on each step. The cargo net was covered in mud, and I didn't want to slip. I never thought about how high I was, and I made it up and over. The entire time I could hear my niece, Raven, cheering me on. It was emotional and awesome! DH said he was proud of how I just kept going and never stopped. He said he was worried if I did stop, I would freeze up. I know focusing on each hand grip and foot plant, never stopping to actually think about where I was, helped me get through this obstacle so smoothly.

My least favorite obstacle was the sticky mud army crawl. This mud obstacle didn't have much water. The mud was thick and sticky. The kind that would pull off your shoe. The cargo net was so low, you had no choice but to crawl through on your belly, like a snake. The mud was so slippery it was difficult to grab a hold and move forward. Afterward, I heard another woman had rolled across. I wish I had known about that technique. I slithered like a snake, trying really hard not to have to put my face it in. For a brief moment, my claustrophobia kicked in, but I quieted my fear by just telling myself, Keep Going! You will get through this and not be stuck. The mud was so thick, it tore off my race bib. I was grateful my shirt didn't rip.

When we were through the entire course. I felt like I could have done it a second time right then and there. I wasn't as tired as I thought I would be. I didn't even feel hot. Covered in all the mud really helped.

The uncomfortable experiences for me came afterward. The rinse off stations were pumping out ice cold water that took your breath away. I couldn't stand in them for more than a few seconds or I was going to hyperventilate trying to breathe. It was very difficult to try and get all the mud off.

The changing area was so crowded, there was no room. I decided to change in a handicap sized Port O Potty. Yuck! I did my best to remove as much mud as I could with the towels I had brought. Next time, I'm bringing an old sheet to wrap up in and just driving home to clean up.

When I do this again, I'm bringing baby wipes or camping wipes. I'm also not wearing a t-shirt. A sports bra and tank top would have been much more easy to pull over my head. I'm putting conditioner in my hair and letting it stay there to help my hair absorb less mud. I'll also be scheduling a manicure and pedicure for the day after. After 3 rinse off/showers my feet still have dirt around my toe nails. But it was all so worth it!  I had a fantastic time with my sisters and my family cheering us on!