The pumpkins have only hours left. I don't think the governor will call. Mwahaha!!

Still On The Roller Coaster

I'm still trying to adjust to the changes in our lives since Oct 15th. The world hasn't ended, there's plenty to be thankful for, but I can't feel settled. Its the certain uncertainty.

I'm struggling to find balance again. Working more hours, not being around my kids, I feel like I'm losing a connection. I know they are benefiting from having dad around more and for the most part, their lives have not changed, but I miss not being able to share so much with them.

My calorie counting and exercising have been nonexistent this past week, something I KNOW I need to work on. I need to find a new routine, a new groove, instead of waiting to see where things will lead.

I used to enjoy planning for future fun, but now I don't feel confident making those plans. I don't know if the resources will be there, plus I can't guarantee if we'll be in the mood to enjoy it. Take Halloween for example. I can't believe its only days away. There's no excitement. Maybe its because we can't buy pile loads of candy, and we've canceled the post trick or treating party, but I think its more so because I haven't had time to get into it. I haven't had the time to decorate, do crafts and bake ghoulish treats. I'm worried Christmas will be like this.

I'm grateful the tree is already paid for and a few gifts did get purchased before the lay off, but I'm worried I won't have the time or spirit to give my family a warm, wonderful Christmas.

I'm hoping that in a few weeks, this new routine will feel better. Of course reality will hit after that first huge mortgage chunk comes out without the usual paycheck muscle we were blessed with before. That could make me stop mourning the loss of my free time because I'll have another loss to mourn- financial security.

I'm still on the roller coaster, only now it seems a little less up and down. I'm still unsure what lies ahead, another drop? But at least in a strange way the emotional game of job loss is getting predictable.

Why is my cat constantly hacking but nothing is coming up? She is refusing to eat the hair ball goo. Maybe I'll just smear it on her fur. She's mad at me already.

A quick post on what's up...

So much going on, so little time to blog.

I'm working more to help bring in more cash flow. I'm now driving to the pool 5 days a week. 3 mornings I leave the house at 5:00am to open and 2 days a week I'll still close. I don't want to think about how this is going to mess up my body clock. I should throw a sleeping bag and change of clothes in the car this winter just in case.

DH is meeting with an old client in the hopes he can freelance, but its not a permanent solution. It could pay better than unemployment though. I'm praying something comes along.

The boys lives haven't had to change and for that I'm grateful. I was worried having DH home more would change our unschooling, but its only enhanced it. Lately our favorite game has been Repeat Or You're Obsolete. We received it as a thank you gift for bird sitting. Its a memorization game everyone in the family can play. DH is really good at it, of course he's always had an amazing memory.

In some ways, I think because we are homeschooling, it's helping him get through this difficult time. I know it helps him when he can help us, even with small things. Everyone wants to have a purpose in life.

Yesterday we visited the zoo, and I took the photo of the Timber Rattler you see above. I think they are so beautiful. Its one of only 2 poisonous snake species in Wisconsin. The zoo was having a Halloween event so a little extra fun was to be had that day. The zoo keepers carved a pumpkin with several holes, they loaded the pumpkin with snakes, and then the snakes came slithering out of the holes in the pumpkin. It was very cool and creepy!

We we hoping to carve our pumpkins, but we ran out of time yesterday. Maybe tonight we'll get to it.

I have to get on the ball and finish the doughnut costume! My sewing machine is completely locked up so I hand stitched what I absolutely had to and now I'm painting the rest. DS14 still hasn't decided if he'll dress up. I know he wants the candy though!

I better get a move on. I just wanted to check in, jot a few notes and say a quick thank you to everyone praying and thinking positive thoughts for us. Take care of yourselves!

I'm in the twilight zone and I'm not referring to vampires.

Whole Wheat Banana Oatmeal Breakfast muffins

Description:
3 Days a week, I have to get up way too early. On those mornings, I'm planning on enjoying these muffins for breakfast. I tweaked the recipe to make it more healthy.

Ingredients:
Dry ingredients:

1 C whole wheat flour
1 C Oats
1/4 C sugar
3 t baking powder
1/4 t salt
1/2 C dried cranberries
1/2 C chopped dates

Wet ingredients:

2 mashed ripe bananas
3 T applesauce
1 egg
1 C skim milk

Topping - cinnamon & brown sugar - spoonful of each mixed together


Directions:
Preheat the Oven to 350. Spray a muffin tin with non-stick spray. Mix the dry ingredients in on bowl, and the wet ingredients in another. Add the two mixtures together and don't over blend. Fill muffin cups 3/4 way full and top with cinnamon brown sugar topping.

Bake for 15-20 minutes

Hoping to get out and enjoy the sun today, I'm thinking maybe the zoo.

Counting My Blessings....

1. We have a modest house, with a modest mortgage payment that thankfully the unemployment checks will cover. God put us here for a reason.  Even if we can't pay all the bills, we won't lose the house.

2. I'm not getting full blown sick, but keeping this at a very manageable, tiny annoyance of a cold. Veggies, honey, apple cider vinegar, raw garlic and Emergen-C are my immune system's best friends.

3. My friends! Prayer warriors, positive thinkers- I love you all!! I truly can feel how your prayers and positive vibes are lifting me up.

4. My job! I am so blessed to be working for great people!

5. The changing colors. The leaves, still on the trees and on the ground are both so beautiful. I really noticed the huge variety of colors today and it inspired me.

6. The gas station had sugar free french vanilla cap, any cup size I wanted for .99 cents!

7. Its not snowing, just raining.

8. Take and bake Infusinos cheese pizza

9. Tea lights, candles and lanterns in my living room making my nest cozy

10. A weekend full of possibilities!

Feeling better- looking forward to spending time with my family, sewing a giant doughnut and working from home a bit. After you hit bottom, everything is up from there.

Was actually feeling like I was recovering very nicely until that panic attack truck hit me last night. Now my emotional break down has given the virus the upper edge. Wish I could just curl up in a ball for a few days, but that's a no go.

By the time my day ended yesterday, I knew I was getting sick, no denying it; chest cough and congestion, headache, achy "Don't touch me" skin. I ate a huge bowl of steamed veg and threw in a raw, smashed, minced glove of garlic. Went to bed and its amazing how much better I feel this morning! Don't get too close. I don't care if my breath stinks! I'm going to nibble on raw garlic all day!

We're trying to mull through it all...

Today's the first day DH didn't go to the office. He's not home though. He's helping his friend and ex-coworker install software on his home PC. They are hopeful they can perhaps do a bit of contract work from home to help make ends meet. His friend is in the same boat, a family man living paycheck to paycheck.

I got pissed off yesterday when I learned DH's EX-boss expected him to file for unemployment, but if work did come in, he would call him back and pay him hourly. I think he believes it could work like it does for seasonal construction workers. Well, apparently, a client contacted DH directly and asked if he'd work on his project at home. DH's EX-boss didn't like that idea because of course, he wouldn't get a cut. You see the EX-boss still has loans to pay and if DH works as an independent contractor, it makes DH the competition. The EX-boss would rather pimp out my husband.

I'm so digusted, I wish DH would just sever all ties, however he still is having trouble saying goodbye to his other team members, who also are getting screwed by the EX-boss. They may try to work on one last project together for a little extra cash, but the reality is, none of us have the resources to set up our own design firm.

Its been scary as I write out bills that I know we will have trouble paying next month. I think after the next two weeks, we'll have to start dipping into savings. DH has filed for unemployment, but we're thinking this is not going to be enough to cover everything. What scares me is hearing stories of how it could take months if not years, to find work. I can't fathom how we'd be able to survive past 3 months. We could end up destroying our credit rating, which ironically, potential employers now look at when they are determining whether to hire you! Talk about a catch 22!

I think all of this is beginning to effect our oldest son. He seems down, but in typical teenage fashion, when I try to ask him what's wrong, he says nothing. I know DH and I must model a good attitude and stay positive. This could be a huge learning opportunity for all of us.

Woke up with a cough. My mantra today is- I cannot get sick. I cannot get sick. I cannot get sick. I'm mixing up honey and apple cider vinegar and hoping for the best!

In honor and remembrance of my friends and family who have fought the fight, I'm off to squish the girls today!

Heading out to meet high school friends for lunch. I haven't seen them in over 10 years. It feels a little strange, given my current stressful situation, but I suppose it will be good to get out and enjoy a distraction.

I think its safe to blog now....

The news is out where it needs to go, so close loved ones won't have to read it here and be shocked. Funny how DH asked me ,"Did you Facebook the news yet?" No! I can show restraint!

On Thursday, DH was given his paycheck with the words, "Here's your paycheck. Its probably the last one I can give you for awhile."

Its very strange. His boss has run out of money for the company. This would mean a lay off right? Well, the boss also said there is a slim chance the client they are working for right now, may be able to "pick up your salaries." So is he laid off or isn't he? The reality is, they have all this work completed, and more they could do, but the clients are not paying their bills.

I'm very frightened. DH is the main bread winner. I only work part time. I know this is happening all over the country, and we're not the only family going through this, but I can't shake the depression I'm feeling.

Added to this stress, I've been betrayed by a close family member. When you say to someone, "Out of all our family, you're the only one I can tell this to because I know you understand and won't criticize me like the rest of our family would,"  you would think this means, its a secret, don't tell anyone! Well, she blabbed and what I feared would happen, did indeed happen. So now I'm struggling with having to find forgiveness.

Its not like I was going to keep this secret from the rest of my family forever. I just needed the chance to choose the best timing.

I come from this anti-emotional family, that believes picking on you is a sign of affection. I'm wired completely the opposite. I will say out loud, "I love you," several times a day. The family I grew up with, never uses these words with each other. Out of all my siblings, there was one who could understand me, and now I'm pissed off and feeling betrayed by her.

I thank God I have my husband, my children and my mother in law.

Of course the Christian Universalist in me knows, we are all bound together. Friends or enemies, we have no choice but to spend all eternity together. This is why God tells us to forgive all, and the greatest commandment is to love all.

I know no one is perfect and all of humankind has the potential to fail you. People are broken. They can try their best, but its never going to be good enough. So I need to forgive everyone, love everyone and realize there really is only one I can turn to who won't fail me, God. And because he loves everyone, he isn't going to choose sides. I have to get over this sibling rivalry and remember, one day, I will have to sit next to the person who wronged me. If I don't forgive them and love them unconditionally, how will I have peace?

I may feel like the world is crapping down on me, but I can open up an umbrella. I'll use life's accessories, (blessings),  to get me through this storm. 

I'm guessing this stress headache is trying to tell me, "Dawn, take care of yourself. Its okay to stop, have a good cry and do something nice for yourself."

13 Thursday Thoughts

1. Saw "INFYDL" yesterday on a special military honor plate. I thought that rocked! I'm a peaceful person, but I had to admire this veteran's moxie.

2. Not enough of one kind of cereal to make one whole serving- I'm having a cereal buffet for breakfast.

3. I should design a bowl with separate compartments, that still allows for milk to flow through.

4. Wow. Even while composing your blog post, Multiply has found a way to throw advertisements at you. Am I subconsciously being hypnotized to buy "Tousle Me Softly"?

5. Wondering if I'll ever find the time to plant bulbs, of course do I really want to dig out in cold, 40F, wet weather? Ground squirrels are probably hoping I do.

6. I'm tired of all the H1N1 flu scare crud. Now people are jumping on the bandwagon, claiming to have Swine Flu when they really don't. There are lots of other viruses out there, and news flash, we don't have vaccines for all of them! Just follow healthy habits and get over it. (I mean that both literally and figuratively.)

7. I'm worried our naughty parakeets, Gust and Tornado, will teach Gilbert, the parakeet we're babysitting, bad behavior. Gilbert is a sweet bird, but by the time his owners return, he'll be ready to star in a Hitchcock remake.

8. How can October be half over? I haven't even started sewing costumes yet.

9. It doesn't seem fair. I've been eating religiously healthy all week, and my once clear face is beginning to break out. DH thinks its all the good stuff pushing out the toxins. Why does it have to push it out on my face!

10. I should pay bills online after I finish this. Eh...

11. DH shocked me by telling me he would consider moving to Vegas. He'll have to go without me. I'M A TREE GIRL!!!

12. I fear I may go to Costco before work today. Darn coupons!

13. Time to put on the exercise gear and Demand a little a Runway.

Baked Whole Wheat Shells & Cheese

Description:
UNBELIEVABLY DELICIOUS! You would never know this was only 260 calories a cup with 12 grams of protein. Its comfort food you don't have to feel guilty about. It comes together pretty easy, there's no reason to buy yucky store bought mac and cheese dinners. Serve with a large side of vegetables for a complete meal.

Ingredients:
1 T Smart Balance spread or other butter substitute
2 T flour
1 T garlic powder
2 C skim milk or non fat milk
1/2 C shredded low fat cheddar cheese
2 T grated Parmesan cheese
2 C cooked whole wheat shell pasta or use traditional elbow pasta
1/2 C Italian seasoned bread crumbs


Directions:
Preheat oven to 350
Spray a 6 cup baking dish with non stick cooking spray
-In a saucepan, melt the Smart balance and stir in garlic powder and flour, cooking for one minute
-Whisk in the milk, and bring mixture to a boil
-Reduce heat and simmer 5 minutes
-Remove from heat and add the cheddar cheese and Parmesan cheese
-Stir in the cooked pasta
-Transfer the mixture to your prepared baking dish and top with bread crumbs.
-Lightly spray the top of the bread crumbs with non stick cooking spray
-Bake for 30 minutes or until top browns slightly

Pumpkin Picking 2009

Pumpkin picking at Boo's patch- our favorite local pumpkin farm. They always have the most huge and unique pumpkins to choose from. I think I may have pushed DH's back muscles a little too far this year.