Dealing With My Faults

I know I'm suppose to be taking this moment by moment, day by day. I'm just not feeling it. Its easier to worry than hope, and I know this is one of my faults.

This unemployment experience is really bringing my faults to the surface and forcing me to deal with them. Yesterday for example, I was feeling stable until my son pointed out on Facebook a co-worker of mine was wondering where I was. I had driven the pool car home, like I've done the past week or so, after delivering marketing. Apparently my boss was wondering when I was returning because she needed the car. Last week she told me it was ok for me to drive the car home on the days I run marketing out.

My reaction was one of tremendous stress. The last thing I want to do is upset my boss! I freaked out. I immediately tried to call my boss but got her voice mail. Panic began to set in until DH pointed out, no one had attempted to call my cell phone or home phone. Why rely on a Facebook update if she really needed the car? They could have called me if they really needed to get a hold of me.

What I'm struggling with is my reaction. I should not have stressed out. I think it ties in with the fact I feel lately I have no control over my circumstances. I hate this! We're 4 weeks in and bills are coming due. Its becoming more real now.

I so want my old life back, and I'm sure that's another fault of mine. Refusal to mourn, let go and move on. Maybe I'm suppose to work this thing in stages, riding up and down.

I feel like I can't take control and steer this ship where I want it to go. Its it the lack of choice, timing or my failure to get creative?

I'm grateful the boys are doing very well. They really haven't been effected at all. I can see how they support each other when DH & I can't be there, and that is a wonderful thing.

I try to take full advantage of the time I can share with them. It is apparent to me they need me less, but on the other hand, I don't want to be pulled too far away from them.

I better stop the soul searching and get moving. Action will make me feel better. It may be important to sit and think at times, but I shouldn't over think this.