Feeling Like My Car Window Looks

Look what Mr. Crazy Robin has done to my car. DH's car window looks about the same. This is the same bird that keeps pecking at our garage window as well. He'll sit on the side view mirror and go at it.

I was hoping yesterday's weather would wash it away. We had raining sleet changing to ice. It was dreadful. I came out of work to several inches of slush freezing up in the parking lot. I keep looking at the calendar for a reality check.

I need a change in the weather or at least a little sunshine. I think its starting to affect my mood. I read some nutritional magazines and found myself getting depressed instead of being motivated. Its too easy to beat up on myself right now for some reason.

It doesn't feel like Easter is coming. I haven't put up any decorations and I have no desire to color eggs. Again, I blame the weather. I will have to dig deep and fake it until I feel it.

Just a few things I want to make note of...

The roller coaster is still going. I've told the Big Guy I'm ready for this ride to stop, but apparently, that's not His plan. I have forgotten what normal feels like. DH mentioned to me this is the longest he's ever gone without working since he was 13. Its breaking my heart to see him so down. You have to understand, he has a strong work ethic and its killing him not being able to provide for his family.

Awkward moment - I spoke personally with DH's Ex-boss. He called looking for DH, who ironically was on his way to meet with Mr. Ex-Boss. "I feel really bad. I want you to know I'm doing everything I can for you guys and hoping work will come back soon." I know for a fact this is bogus, yet I had to thank the man. Its not my place to throw a match onto that bridge.

Onto some good stuff- DS11 told me the other night, "I want to be better friends with Jakob," (his older brother.)

"Why? Are you guys fighting?"

"No, I just want us to be better friends."  Awwww!!! We talked about what makes a good friend and he decided he would try to be a better friend himself.

My neighbor friend has shared wonderful news with me. Her cancer is shrinking!! Her doctor diagnosed her with 4th stage lunch cancer and gave her a 1% survival chance last October. She decided to declare war on her cancer and attacked it back with lots of prayer, healthy living and chemo. I'm going to continue to pray for her healing.

LOL!!! I just proofed that last paragraph and saw I had typed "lunch" not lung. I'm leaving it in because I need a good laugh!

Tonight DH & I are planning on going to see our nephew's band, 7th Sign, perform. Its a bit more hard core metal than I'm used to, but its my nephew. I want to see the look on my sister's face when her baby drops an F bomb into the microphone.

I think we'll stay home this weekend too. We were tempted to take a road trip to K-town, but we want to get our taxes done. I'm hoping there's some refund dollars we can add to our account to help get us a little further.

We knew we had to do it, and when this last bill came, we were pushed into action. We cancelled some of our cable services. We're giving up movie channels along with my beloved BBC America. Evil Charter cable had raised our bill to $232.00 a month.  We have to keep the internet going. Its a must for job searching and home schooling, and we have to keep the phone service. We live in an area where we don't always get cell phone coverage and every outgoing call is considered long distance. We can give up HBO, Showtime, etc. and cut almost $80 off our monthly bill.

We're going to try Net Flix. For around $9 a month, we can have unlimited streaming of movies to our PS3 and soon our Wii. Supposably you can stream into 6 different sources, which should be more than enough for us. The first month is free, so we'll see how it works.

We know we can watch stuff on Hulu.com as well, but for the most part, we realize we watch mostly movies, play games and read books and magazines for entertainment. I'll learn to live without my BBC fun.

We're tempted to try Magic Jack for our phone, but I've heard mixed reviews. I've heard the connection isn't always that great and there are dropped calls.

I better stop babbling and get moving. My water glass is empty and the rest of the Sleepyhouse is finally starting to wake up.

 

I can't find answers...

Yesterday, after we left our home school posse, I made the comment out loud, "I wish I didn't have to go to work."

DS14 responded, "Mom, of course you don't. Who does?!"

I felt awful. What a terrible example I've been. Its not that my job sucks. It's actually great. Its just the fact, it pulls me away from family more often than I'd like, especially these past several weeks as we try to survive the layoff.

I don't want my children to believe work is something you can't enjoy doing. I need to watch my tongue and instead say things like, "I wish I didn't have to leave and end the fun we're having."

DS10 said, "Mom, why don't you find a job where we can all be together?"

I really wish I could figure that one out. I would love to have a family business with my DH. I just have no idea what we could do.

Its been a challenge trying to keep my chin up. I ask DH what can I do to help him with his depression, but he says there's nothing I can do. He's going to feel this way until he can find a job.

So as the autumn to winter darkness begins to consume more of the daylight, it feels like the same thing is happening in our Sleepyhouse. I can't seem to do anything to make things better, no matter how hard I try.

I want the light to return. I need the light to return. I can't understand why I can't have control of this. I can't understand the timing. I need to see those I love find joy. It is impossible for me to do so, unless they are there with me.

What day is it?

I am so confused. It's Friday right? It feels like a depressing Monday. I'm going to write the proceeding paragraph as if I'm in depressed, Monday mode, and then I'll snap out of it.

I know DH and I are depressed. Its the post holiday blues with the added stress of feeling helpless. Things are not going so well with the kitty that came to our door, whom we nick named Mojo. No one has called to claim him and we can't keep him. I can't deny it, the itching spread from my skin on to my eyes. (I'm not going to drug my body.) We thought about having him fixed and then keeping him as an outdoor pet. To have him fixed the vet quoted us at $150. That seems really high to me. We only have one vet in town. I called the county humane office and they don't take surrenders. They told me to call the police. I called Evansville's finest, and they told me they don't take cats and don't know why the humane society said they did. I now understand why our town has a huge feral cat population. My heart is breaking.

Yesterday I took down Christmas decorations and then decided I needed retail therapy. DH seemed content to watch college football so I called up my sister. We hit the Target with a Starbucks inside of it. I decided I needed something stronger than retail therapy so I splurged and got a Peppermint Frap.

DS9, soon to be 10, decided he would finish his book yesterday. The kid sat and read for so long I started to get worried. I reminded him of the purpose of bookmarks, but it did no good. The kid's got serious determination skills.

DH decided to go to bed early, but I got caught up watching Half Ton Teen and Half Ton Mom. At one point my oldest son, who had been writing on his blog, asked me why I was watching something so depressing. He had a very valid point. I thought these shows were motivating me to eat better and exercise, but the reality of it, they were depressing as hell. I turned it off and went to bed.

So here I am, feeling like yesterday was a waste and today feels like a Monday. I'm going to remind myself that its FRIDAY and I must not wallow. I must jam the Melon and make my soul sing again. 


 

Mulling through it....

I just want to get to Thursday already. I've had too many Craptastic days, (thanks Maija for my new favorite word). I just want to surround myself with family distractions to take my mind off of the cold, dark depression. Its been said depression is anger without passion. I've found myself going between depression and anger, but either way, I can't seem to release it all yet.

I'm finding myself forgetting stupid things such as, chocolate chips. How does someone like me, an admitted chocolaholic forget chocolate chips? I had planned on making CHOCOLATE CHIP pies for the holidays so there I was at the store, buying pie crusts, butter, pecans, and brown sugar. How could I forget the main ingrediant and namesake of the dessert? I had the butter and sugars creamed, about to drop in the eggs when I realized I had no freaking chocolate chips!!! There's a reason God put me within a few blocks of a Piggly Wiggly.

I had gotten into the van with the sole purpose of returning the library stuff. I drove right past the return box and the library! To say I'm easily distracted these days is an understatement.

I have tons of work I could be doing for the pool, but I can't get to where I need to be to get that done. I'm hoping after Thanksgiving, I can focus more.

We had our first stuck on the ground, measurable snowfall. It looked pretty, but it wasn't fun to drive in. I was grateful the sun came out mid-day and melted it off the roads. I guess I really should remove our wilted, decaying pumpkins and bring out the Christmas lights.

I wasn't going to put out the lights this year, but my neighbor set up a small yard display and I changed my mind. Seeing the lights really does boost your mood.

I've been trying to write down all the things popping into the boys' minds for later research. Normalily, when I'm not moping around, I have no problem fueling their interests, but lately, its an accomplishment if I can get the laundry and dishes done.

Jared asked me when the first sky scraper was built. He wants to know how they repair cracks in windows that high off the ground. I know I should be planning a trip to Chicago now.

Jared also said he's added seeing the Northern Lights onto his bucket list. I hope we have some soon. I could always count on them when I lived in northern Minnesota, but I don't see them as often here in southern Wisconsin. We may have to plan a trip north. (In the meantime, I must get to the library and get books on sky scrapers and Northern Lights!)

Amazing, I haven't gotten sick yet. Its all around me, but for now, I just feel like crap emotionally. Maybe the Emergen-C and blueberry tea is helping, but I know it will catch up to me evenutally. I haven't been able to sleep well and I can't get warm enough.

I'm going to turn off. I need to stop thinking because when I do, I can't focus on one thing long enough to think it through. I need to go back on auto-pilot for awhile.

I'M SO SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its a dark, dark day. Before our road trip, I checked the Blind Melon Forum page one last time to be sure the show was still on. I knew Travis was having throat trouble and previous shows had been canceled. Well, apparently Travis has quit the band. That's "Rock and Roll", I suppose.

Blind Melon will carry on, with a temporary replacement singer, just not in time for my Fort Wayne show. In the long run, the band hopes to find a permanent new lead vocalist. Maybe things will work out with Travis once heads cool, but even if they don't, I hope there is another chapter to this band's story. 

From Rogers Stevens,

Friends.... I bring you some difficult news. The revelry call went out to start the tour, and all reported to duty except for one. We, along with our entire team, have been working long hours to prepare for this upcoming US tour, which we have all been excited about. All except one. There has long been consensus with the original 4 members of the group....we agree on purpose and vision, we believe deeply in what we are doing, and we have been forged together in the kiln of tragedy which has made us unbreakable. We all share that. All except one. We believe that it is a great privilege to do what we do. It is an honor to stand onstage before you all and play these songs, and we will endure just about anything to do so. We have unity on this...all except one. Travis does not share this with us. Two weeks ago when we cancelled the first half of the tour, Travis was having problems with his voice and the doctor recommended that he rest. Though it hurt us to cancel the shows, we were understanding towards him and supported him because nobody wanted him to injure himself or damage his obviously amazing voice. God dropped a Stradivarius down Travis's throat, but the reality is that he treats it like a broken pawnshop fiddle. It is very difficult to maintain a rigorous touring schedule while chain smoking. Early this week Travis was due to again visit the doctor, a specialist that we found for him who is the very best available. The doctor wanted to make sure everything was OK before we embarked on the tour. We told Travis that we would cancel the rest of the tour if his voice was still hurting, regardless of what the doctor said. Travis will tell you that we fired him because his voice was fried, but this is not true. All singers go through vocal problems from time to time, and we understand that. We did not fire Travis, he abandoned us. The plan was set, it was solid, and we were confident. Everybody was on board...all except one. Not only did he bail on the doctor, but he did not return anybody's calls, texts, emails, telegrams, or carrier pigeon messages for the last two weeks. We're talking about a LOT of attempts to communicate. This has been a pattern from the beginning of our involvement with him. The reality is that Travis did not want to go on this tour, and his reasons for this changed many times. The touring life is not for everyone. Had he told us that it was just too much for him, then that would have sucked for us but we could have dealt with it. But the dilemma was that HE WOULD NOT COMMUNICATE WITH US. We finally started calling family members to try to locate him. Members of his family were very helpful and the good news is that they had spoken to him and he was alive. We were all relieved but curious as to what was going on. One of Travis's cousins finally got him to agree to call our manager yesterday evening and they spoke for about 20 minutes (we were all waiting to figure out if we should get on airplanes today or stay home). Travis stated that if we couldn't understand that he needed this time to himself, then he didn't want to be in a band with us anymore. He complained about being underpaid and overworked (we all make the same thing and we all work as hard as he does). He said that he didn't want to play the US anymore and that he was under-appreciated. He complained about playing the same songs in the same towns. We could not make him understand that the wheels were in motion for this tour for 6 months, and that to blow it out just because he didn't want to do it was a very bad move (we think his voice is probably fine now, by the way, though we could never say for sure since he neglected his doctor's appointment and did not call us to tell us that it was not well). There was no indication that any of this was coming at the end of the Canadian tour. We had great success up there (thank you Canada) and we were encouraged by what was ahead of us. We were all set to record a live album on this tour, we just booked Japan, and we were in the process of putting together Europe and South America. People have been working very hard on this stuff...lots of great people who we are very much lucky to be working with. Travis is unable or unwilling to care about how his actions affect everybody else, and he's been this way since day one. We have passed up or blown many opportunities because of his actions, and this has made it very difficult for us to function effectively. For the 2 weeks worth of shows that we have cancelled in the last year, there have been countless others that were on the verge of not happening. Many nights we have sat in the dressing room or on the bus wondering if Travis was going to show up and what condition he would be in if he did show up. None of us want to be in one of those bands that is held hostage by a single person's whims and demands. Travis's talent is enormous and deep, but after two gut-wrenching years and countless setbacks and heartbreaks, we can no longer work with him. We want to make this clear that this calamity is not just about the most recent events. For many different reasons, there has been a division that slowly developed from the beginning. Travis came into a very difficult situation, and in a lot of ways he handled it very well. But for whatever reason, we could never get him to come fully into the fold. We tried to achieve unity and balance in the band and we welcomed him with open arms as a full partner. But in a band you are dealing with a bunch of highly creative and impulsive people in suspended adolescence who are also oftentimes maladjusted. It must have been very difficult for Travis to figure out our relationships and to find his place. When things got tough, Travis would fire off an email and threaten to quit the band....this happened at least a dozen times. Eventually, confidence within the band as well as with the people who worked with us became undermined. Everybody around saw what was going on and were probably taking bets on how long we would last. The real back-story to this is very deep. If you squint your eyes and read very closely between the lines, you might pick up a hint of it. There is no way that we could accurately tell you what has transpired over the past two years without breaking some ethical codes and spewing a bunch of angry stuff that will just sound irrelevant to you. We don't want to hurt Travis or say anything more than what is necessary to tell enough of the story. We believe that to publicly air out all of the prior details of what brought us to this place would be counterproductive. We will have our side of the story and Travis will have his, and the two shall not meet. And you as the reader will be left scratching your head and wondering who is crazier. You'll probably also wonder why we can't just kiss and make up and play the goddamned songs. We can only say that we have tried everything that we could to get to that place. We sincerely hope that Travis finds a musical situation that makes him happy. As previously stated, his talent is prodigious, and that is why we thought he should play in the big leagues, but now it is clear that he was drafted by the wrong team. He belongs onstage, and that is where we got along with him best. He is a GREAT performer and we are hopeful that he will end up in the right situation for him. So the next question is "what are we going to do"? First of all, we plan to begin the tour in Allentown, PA on Monday. Chris Shin, who formed Unified Theory with Brad and Christopher, is coming with us and is ready and willing. We are enormously grateful to Chris for accepting this somewhat daunting challenge. After the tour, we will begin the process of finding somebody who understands, as previously stated, that it is an honor to perform for ya'll, and that it is important to pull together and work together in order to create something truly great. We intend to play all the shows that are on the schedule, including the New Year's eve show, and we will make up the shows that were cancelled earlier this month. We're going on a journey and we'll bring you back something great......thank you for everything that you've given us. Blind Melon November 6, 2008

Not going anywhere..

I'm too frozen to move. Its death cold out. The kind of cold where the second you inhale, your nose hairs freeze. I hate it! This one hurts more because we had such a drop in temperature. 

School was canceled which means I have rats. I'm very tempted to make chocolate chip cookies, but I shouldn't because I will eat them.

On a positive note, the pool is closed again tonight so I won't have to brave the icy roads. DH told me the highway leading from our town has at least an inch of ice on top. The salt they throw down does very little when its this cold out. I'm so ready for spring!! Or at least a temperature around 32.

I did my hour on the treadmill and drank my Emergen-C, but I'm still depressed. I ate some mango and that was the highlight of my day so far. How sad is that! I should be cleaning something but I don't want to. I should find a valuable way to spend my new spare time, but I just want to be a couch potato with Yumi.

I better get away from the computer. Its not helping just sitting here. I promise to be more sunshiny tomorrow.