Wisconsin Friday Night Fish Fry at Quivey's

Quivey's Grove is my family's favorite place for traditional fish fry. Quivey's has two dining areas, a formal farm house and a not so formal stable. We prefer eating in the renovated stable surrounded by stone and wood, where casual attire is welcome. The fish I'm sure, tastes just as good where ever you decide to sit!

My men all get traditional, all you cat eat, fried cod. I enjoy mine baked with a side of creamy Parmesan potatoes. We're also served sourdough bread with real butter. If we could afford it, my family would choose to eat here every Friday.  

You'll have to put up with my lousy camera. It doesn't take such great photos in low light. The stable goes up several floors, but being early birds, we usually score a ground floor table. We meet my husband just after 4:00pm most times we dine here. The crowd crushes in by 5:00pm. The wait staff knows us and always treats us well. I think this is because my husband is handsome and tips very well.

Catching Up

It took 3 weeks, but my sore throat is finally recovering. I was just about to see the ear, nose, throat guy to discuss a tonsillectomy. I really did not want surgery. Once a year is enough. It usually doesn't take me that long to recover. I'm thinking I must have had back to back viral infections.

Our homeschooling conference last weekend was great. Every year my family volunteers to host several workshops, and this year all of them went very well. I do all this prep work and then worry whether people are having a good time or not. This year, I made a point to watch the participants more closely and seeing their smiles, hearing their laughter, it really registered to me they were all enjoying their time. It was inspirational to see these kids laugh and play with others they had just met.

I've been told my dad is recovering well from his strokes. At first I was really disappointed they missed he was having a stroke. He actually got sick in the hospital parking lot. My parents were planning on visiting the hospital's cafeteria, but my father suddenly became very dizzy and sick. My mom grabbed a wheel chair and pushed him across the hospital to the ER. They treated him for vertigo for several days before a physical therapist mentioned my dad's symptoms look like those of a stroke patient. An MRI confirmed my dad had suffered one big stroke at the back and base of his head, along with several other  mini-strokes. He has trouble walking now, but they are hopeful with therapy he will walk with a walker.

As my mom speaks with me concerning my dad, I'm recognizing how much I'm like him. I get very anxious when I'm not well. I hate that feeling of not being in control of my body. I can understand how this reaction only makes things worse, so I will have to learn how to truly chill out.

When my sore throat wasn't getting better, my frustration level was so high. I couldn't trust that my body was going to recover in its own time. Recovering from back surgery, you would of thought I would have learned this lesson!

I believe I need to actively practice chilling out and going with life's flow.

I found this journal and thought it would be an awesome plan, to purposely make note of how much awesome is around me each day.  So that's my new plan.

A Sad Day In The Garden

I ventured out to the square foot gardens to plant some beets, hoping they wouldn't mind this dismal weather.

I discover a mama bunny had made a grave mistake. She birthed four babies in the corner of one of the square foot gardens. She either abandoned them, or judging from the fur, someone came along and ate her. It was a sorry sight, but I was grateful they were dead because I wouldn't have known what to do, or I should say, I couldn't have performed what would have needed to be done. 

DS17 helped me scoop them up, and we buried them under the mulberry tree. I will plant sunflowers in the square foot garden where these tiny babies perished. Poor things.

A Dark Side Dawn Post- Written 3/26/13

I wrote this 3/26/13. Waited to post it until I could follow it with a more positive post, on 4/9/13. http://dawninger.blogspot.com/2013/04/16-weeks-past-surgery-still-struggling.html



I haven't journal-ed in so long because I struggled with putting out positive thoughts rather than negative. I felt if I wrote about the negative, I gave it power.  Now I see that negativity is blocking the positive. I have to get it out.

Living with pain takes strength, courage, and stamina. I'm running out of stamina.

I have stopped pain medications in part because I don't want the harmful side effects, but also because I thought I could learn to live with pain as a new normal. For the most part, this has worked. It has worked so well, those living around me have no idea what I'm going through. It works until I break from the strain.

Last night I broke. My emotional scar was ripped open when I was reminded how beyond help I really am. I can feel those who love me and want to help anyway they can, but the truth is they can't even come close. Professional medical help has no vested interest in helping me and they don't have any answers either.

My body is failing me. Trigeminal Neuralgia has given me almost constant facial pain. Tegretol has removed the lightening strikes, but I'm left dealing with constant head and facial aches. A doctor would suggest I take more drugs, but that method is a path that runs in a circle, always bringing me back to where I'd have to take more and more medication.

The nerve in my leg and foot seems permanently damaged from my spinal injury. My back is doing better, but recovery is so very slow. My nerve damage really hasn't seemed to change much at all. My foot constantly feels like its encased in a block of ice. If I stretch my leg, the pain reminds me of my limitations. A few times, it even starts to feel like that scary, awful day I wish to forget, but thankfully it stops before it reaches that level of hell. Perhaps I haven't given myself enough time to heal, although its probably safe to assume the disc material scraped off the myelin coating on my nerve. That protective coating won't come back. I'm suppose to give this "a year or two" to see if anything changes. If it doesn't, I'm forever damaged goods.

I have anger inside I haven't let go of. In it's calmer form, they call it depression. I can usually tuck this away, but when my stamina is failing, it rears up and roars.

16 Weeks Past Surgery ~ Still Struggling

I still struggle with nerve damage from my herniated disc. I found this article and I believe this is what has happened to me. http://www.caudaequina.org/issues/whatisces.htm

Its been 16 weeks since my surgery. I know I am a very impatient patient when it comes to my recovery. From day one I've been frustrated at my limitations.

I should be rejoicing. I am not on pain medication. I am back at work. I can take care of myself and others. I may not be able to carry the laundry basket up the stairs, or feel completely comfortable walking 25 pounds of all muscle Pembroke Corgi, but I am able to enjoy a quality of life I could not several months ago.

I expect perfection or at the very least, to be the same as I was before. Every morning I wake up in pain and curse my damaged vessel. The pain sometimes improves once I get up and start moving, but the nerve damage in my foot remains constant. Most of my right foot feels like its imprisoned in a block of ice. At times, when I put weight on it, it feels like the skin is tearing off. These past several weeks, I have a new sensation. There is a constant rock in my shoe.

My right calf instantly Charlie Horses when I attempt to stretch my leg. Once up and about, this improves, but never goes away entirely. After a day of activity, (walking is suppose to be good), I'm left with an aching soreness throughout the back of my entire leg that echos the nightmare I endured on December 6th, 2012. I remind myself the pain level will not increase to the point it was once at, and I try to relax through it.

From the moment I first become conscious each morning, my body is sore. I try to move and feel the pain reminding me I am damaged goods. I push through, and sometimes I am successful at distracting my focus away from the pain. On bad days, I reach for the Advil.

Dr. Neurosurgeon has told me it could take a year or two for my nerve to heal. I'm now thinking that's what they say to give you hope, but the reality is not so pretty. When my disc blew, out came the jelly like material all over my nerve. 9 cubic centimeters of guck was removed during my surgery. 9 cubic centimeters had wrapped around my nerve most likely pushing off the protective myelin. Without the myelin, my nerve cannot heal. My doctor simply said, "Give it a year or two. It could improve. If not, its permanent."

I'm only 16 weeks past surgery, but I'm feeling like its going to be permanent. If I do still have myelin, the nerve regrows at the rate of 1mm a day. Its slow, but it will find its way if the myelin is still present to lead it. Given the fact since surgery I've added painful symptoms, I sometimes choose to believe my nerve is healing. Why would I suddenly start feeling a non-existent rock in my shoe? But when I think about how my nerve was coated with the disc material for approximately 3-4 weeks before they could schedule my surgery, I think I'm doomed.

I understand they never perform surgery on a herniated disc immediately unless you lose bowel and bladder function. I understand some may deem me fortunate that I was under the microscopic knife within a month's time. I still am left wondering if my outcome would have been completely different had the damaged disc material been removed the day I was in excruciating pain.

It is difficult for me to accept my body for what is it now. I know a blog post away I wrote about a new normal, about accepting my new normal and moving on. I've tried to do that, but I'll admit, I haven't been entirely successful. My subconscious dreams remind me I'm still struggling. At times, I feel my frozen foot and tears of frustration start to well up. I wake up with pain and wish it gone every single day.

I know people have been praying for me and at one point I thought, this isn't working because I'm not praying for myself! So I started praying. I'm still praying. I've discovered I'm not trying to deal with this and accept it. I'm still trying to change it!

Maybe that actually means I'm not ready to give up this fight? Frustration will fuel my fight, whereas acceptance won't. Maybe I'm meant to continue to fight, to hope, to pray, to struggle, until I win? Perhaps in doing so, I will send the message to my body, restore yourself because she's not going to stop! I could make a miracle happen. I'm created in His image. I've been born to make miracles happen. If I have the endurance to stay frustrated with my burden for this long, I have the endurance to continue to fight.

Its not time for me to accept it. Continuing the struggle is okay. It doesn't have to be a scary thing. Continuing to struggle means my strength is still here. I only have to find a way to transfer that strength to where it needs to go directly.

Growing A New Me ~ 7 Weeks Post Surgery

I have been doing much soul searching these long weeks of recovery. I have traveled emotionally from such a dark place and its only been recently that I have been able to feel the light returning.

I've been inspired by The Organic Sister, life coach Tara Wagner.

Each day she posts uplifting, uplighting, quotes that have been healing my broken spirit. Yesterday she posted-  "Organic Wisdom: Radical healing and growth often look like chaotic, overwhelming upheaval. Allow the dust to settle to see the beauty." 

She also posted this one- "Say it with me: Things happen FOR me, not TO me. I trust myself to learn and grow." 

I encourage you to find her on Facebook and follow her. 

I've also been inspired by an article I've read recently, Toni Bernhard J.D. "5 Tough Choices You Face When Chronically Ill Or In Pain".

I know even after I have recovered from my spine surgery, Trigeminal Neuralgia will still stick around, challenging me for the rest of my days on this earth.

I've decided that it's time I grow. 

I've decided to stop pushing towards an idea of healthy that I have in my head and instead create a NEW ME. I will continue to make choices that lead to improved health and wellness, but also accept that whatever end results, it was the one intended for me. 

I'm not going to think back on past achievements and think, I'll never be able to do that again. I have new achievements to reach and although it may be tempting to judge and compare these future milestones to past accomplishments and believe they don't measure up as well, I'm not going to do that. 

I was brought to a place I hadn't planned on residing in, (illness and injury.) I certainly didn't want to set up residence there, but my motivation to move away from this wasn't coming from an honest, fair, authentic spirit. This is why I believe I sank into a depression. 

Once I grew and understood the concepts of where I am, is where I am meant to be and who I will become is who I am meant to be, I found it so much easier to be loving toward myself and allow for true healing, physical and spiritual. 

Today I celebrate coming out of the darkness and back into the positive light. I'm looking forward to continuing my self creation, supported with unconditional self love. 

I am going to navigate towards positive, loving souls because I realize, its not my role to be negative peoples' punching bag simply because I'm great at forgiveness. I also recognize it is my responsibility to see the good in everyone. 

4 Weeks Into Recovery From Microdiscectomy

I've made it past my 4 week post surgery mark! I feel I have finally turned the corner. Recovery has been slow and painful, but this week I'm starting to feel like I can take part in life once again.

My neurosurgeon still warned me about over doing it. He really doesn't want me to start a walking program until spring. I told him this past week I've begun walking on the treadmill for 15-30 minutes at a time at speed 1. He didn't want me walking more than this, and strongly suggested I be extra careful. He understands I've been depressed about not being able to do anything. I will see him again in March at my 3 month post op.

I've started to wean off of the narcotic, oxycodone, and I have the doctor's permission to use Advil. Before and after surgery I was forbidden from using ibuprofen because of the increased bleeding risk and the fact its slows bone recovery. I'm getting by on 1 oxycodone and 2 Advil every 6 hours. I had been taking 2 oxycodones every 8 hours. I was nervous about coming off of the narcotic because I've read I could experience serious withdrawal symptoms. So far, I'm doing well. My hope is to be off the narcotic within a few weeks so I can return to work.

The numbness is still in my right foot and calf. Sometimes I also now experience a feeling like my skin is ripping apart when I first get up and start walking after being off my feet. I've been told, the nerve damage could be permanent or could take up to a year or two to go away. I've decided I can live with this after all. Its annoying, but I'm grateful I can still walk!

The leg pain feels not nearly as bad, but I do have some discomfort. I have hope though this will disappear as I reach a further point in my recovery. I'm sure as time goes by and I'm able to walk more, my leg will get the message.

My biggest challenge is and always has been, not over doing it. When you are drugged, you don't have the pain telling you to stop. Coming off the narcotic, I'm beginning to notice when my body is telling me its time to back off.

I had the neurosurgeon's nurse print me a copy of my MRI showing the terrible disc damage. Although it grosses my children out, I've posted it on my refrigerator to remind me to take it easy. The last thing I want is to end up back in that world of unbearable pain, looking at surgery once again.

This injury has taken two months of my life really, before surgery and then dealing with recovery. I'm now at a point where I feel like I can contribute to life and enjoy moments. I'm working from home a few hours, and I can stand long enough to wash dishes!! I never thought washing dishes would make me so happy but it does!

Being able to function and move is something I will never take for granted again.

Feeling Better? Here's The Bill.

Yesterday, (day 17), I was actually feeling pretty good. I started spacing my oxycodone every 8 hours instead of 6 and felt I was comfortable enough.

This morning, (day18), when I woke up, I didn't want to move. I suppose this is to be expected. You have a good day and then a not so good day. Either on my good days, I over do it, or just like with regular exercise, your body needs a recovery day. Whatever the case may be, I'm hopeful with these feeling better days that healing is actually taking place. Its been slow in my opinion, but I suppose others would say my healing expectations are too high. I'm choosing to stay hopeful that however much time it takes, I will restore my life to where I want it to be.

Also yesterday in the mail we received a billing statement. I am so grateful we have good insurance. Just a few years ago, we were without insurance. My heart goes out to all of those who have no choice but to go without insurance. If you are financially well off, I suppose you have nothing to worry about, but most families I know struggle. You can plan on living a healthy lifestyle, but I'm a perfect example of what could happen beyond your control. A simple fall can change your life.

My MRI bills have been in the $3,000-$6,000 range. I've had to have 3 of them.

I haven't seen the statement yet for my emergency room visit or any of the doctor bills.

My room and board for 23 hours in the hospital was $1,141.50. That was some expensive Jello I enjoyed that evening after surgery.

My drugs were $5,238. I'm sure I had some great pain relievers going through that IV in my neck, but there's actually a different bill for anesthesia.

My anesthesia bill is $2,574.75. I'm grateful I have no recollection of the operation, and I am very grateful I woke up!

Lab work was $665. I'm not exactly sure what lab work was done, but I remember being asked if I was pregnant and when I told the nurse no, I couldn't pee, she said, "That's okay. We'll run a pregnancy test with the blood work." I'm sure they needed to verify blood type and other stuff in case anything unexpected popped up during the procedure.

Diagnostic Radiology was $754.75. I think this was the equipment used to make sure Dr. Neurosurgeron was operating in the correct place. I remember being told something about micro equipment and special glasses so he could see my tiny nerve well enough not to damage it.

Medical/Surgical supplies total was $5,498.75. I suppose Mercy Hospital has to pay off the specialized $70,000 back surgery table at some point.

Operating Room Services = $11,042.75. I suppose this helps pays the salaries of everyone else working with the surgeon and anesthesiologist. It certainly didn't go to pay the heat bill because that room was freezing!

Recovery Room total $3,086.50. This was for the nurses who monitored my vitals, and were so wonderful to place cool wash clothes on my forehead because I woke up so nauseous. I have very little memory of the recovery room other than wanting to throw up.

So if you are keeping track, without the actual doctor's costs, my microdiscectomy to repair my herniated disc has cost over $40,000. If we did not have health insurance, I would be beyond depressed. I fell. I didn't get in a car accident. There is no one to sue. This could happen to anyone, no matter how careful they are. I truly believe we must work together in this country to make health care affordable and even more importantly, accessible to everyone.

Interestingly, on the same day I received the billing statement from the hospital, I also received a survey asking me how I thought everything went and how well I was treated. Other than my emergency room nightmare, everyone else at Mercy has been wonderful.

I consider myself fortunate to be so well taken care of that night of Dec 21st because on the surgical recovery floor, it was a very busy night with several snow thrower damaged limbs. I was lucky to be directly across from the nurses' station and even though I felt like I was bothering them every 30 minutes, they assured me it was their job and their pleasure to be there for me. I knew they were busy, but I felt like I was their priority.  

I will fill out the survey praising the staff, but not the prices.

Recovery Day 14

I've made it 2 weeks!! Yesterday a nurse removed my sutures, and the incision looks great, no infection. I thought I was going to be given the green light to take a shower, but I was told I still needed to wait another 72 hours. I was very bummed about that! 

In 2 more weeks I will see the neurosurgeon for my 4 week post op. When I think back and read over my recovery blogs these past two weeks, I'm hoping 4 weeks out I will be feeling much better. 

It was stupid of me less than one week after my surgery to think I needed to start weaning myself from the pain medication. My nurse reminded me yesterday, "Dawn, you had SPINE surgery!"

I do feel better taking the medication exactly as prescribed. I was just worried I would run out. My prescription bottle said zero refills. The nurse explained that was because it is a narcotic and in my case it is expected I will need several refills. I just need to call and request them from the doctor, pick them up in person and have them filled. It is not uncommon for someone with spine surgery to need pain medication for several months.

I think I'm starting to get the hang of not twisting, not bending, not lifting. It makes a huge difference in my comfort level. 

I don't know why I expect myself to recover so quickly. I'm sure a part of it is the pressure of wanting to do everything I did before. Its easy to feel like this is taking forever when all you can do is lay on pillows or slowly shuffle around the same areas of your house, but the reality is, looking at the calendar, its only been two weeks. My c-section took me 4-6 weeks to recover from and that was just muscle, fat and skin. I have to remember my spinal nerve was messed with and the disc area has very little blood flow for cell replacement. The tear in the disc will never actually heal because of this, and this is why many people re-herniate their discs when they are not careful.

My right foot is still numb, but the pain in my leg has been reduced. Its still there, but manageable. One thing I read is nerve recovery takes about 1 month for every inch damaged. I'm going to ask the doctor if that's true and does that mean for me, the area around where the herniated disc material surrounded my dislodged nerve or are we talking all the way down my leg into my foot? I'm still very hopeful in my case, the nerve damage will not be permanent.

Recovery Day 12 From Microdiscectomy

It's been a roller coaster, up and down, but I'm hopeful I've finally figured out how to ride this. Last weekend I probably over did it, thinking I could sit long enough to enjoy a car ride and lunch out with my family. After a few days of trying to sit, even in soft chairs, I felt a huge set back, having more pain and frustration. 

The past two days I've made a point not to sit, even in a soft chair. I'm either on my back or up walking. I still experience painful jolts of sharp pain if I move ever so slightly in a direction my spinal nerve doesn't want me to. I'm just happy I can find a semi-comfortable position so I'm not always in tears. 

Its been very difficult letting go of all my responsibilities. It feels terrible asking for help even for simple things and watching my husband and family pick up my share of chores just depresses me. I've been better about not reaching and bending these past two days, and I do notice a difference. I just have to give this time and hope one day I will function again. Feeling like I do now, its difficult to believe I will ever feel normal again. 

Tomorrow I will see the neurosurgeon nurse and hopefully she'll remove my stitches. Although I've enjoyed using my new happy, sunny yellow, wash clothes my co-workers sent me, I am looking forward to leaving sponge baths behind and enjoying a real shower. In fact, I'm predicting it will be the longest shower I have ever taken!! Before surgery, I was a shower every day at least once if not twice, type of person. 

I'm fighting depression by thinking about things I will do again once I've recovered. I can't wait to walk my dog, go on family hikes, kidnap my husband away for a weekend to thank him for everything he's been doing for me, take my kids to the Kalahari, and I'm hoping to be well enough to participate in the March Of Dimes. I have a new sympathy for spinal disorders. 

I've also found it interesting my MRIs have shown I have the same Chiari type malformation that my son was diagnosed with and I have a slight scoliosis. I consider myself very fortunate to not have suffered symptoms of these conditions.

10 Days Post Surgery ~ 1 Step Forward 2 Steps Back

I just may be finally getting it. Take it easy means, do nothing. Do not lift the laptop. Do not lift your plate of food. Do not bend over to pick up the dog's Kong.

After having a few days where I was beginning to feel I was turning the corner and possibly healing from this nightmare, I went to wash my hands and then reach ever so slightly sideways to grab a towel to dry off. Now I'm hating my life again.

Back pain is torturous. It messes with your spirit, not just your body.

I also made the mistake of looking at my incision in the mirror yesterday. I didn't expect it to look blood red with a black thread running through it. I expected it to be tiny, two inches. It's more like four. Add to the fact I haven't been able to really wash my hair properly I feel like the bride of Frankenstein. The black stitches should come out in 5 days, so I'm hoping I can take a long, real shower, shampooing and conditioning my hair.

Mostly I'm hoping for this pain to improve for good. Its a tease having a good day and then waking up and feeling worse than ever. I don't understand this healing process at all.

My loved ones remind me, I will feel better. I need to hang in there. This recovery is much more mental than physical. I cry a little and then feel better. I rest, take my medication and try to find patience with myself.

Day 6 I Shouldn't Rush This

Halving my pain medication was not such a good idea. I also tried to sit and eat a meal. Also not a good idea. By Wednesday evening I was despondent. The pain was too much to bear and I found myself in tears, depressed, thinking I'm never getting through this and my life will never have meaning and joy again.

I went from being able to take short walks around the house to wanting to scream with every step and grabbing the walls to hold me up. I couldn't find a comfortable position and psychologically went to that dark place once again. Thankfully, my husband was here, to hold my hand and promise me it would get better and we would find a way.

This morning I called the nurse and she scolded me for halving my medication. She reminded me I'm not yet a week out from my surgery. She assured me I needed to give it one more week at least before I would notice a change in my comfort level. She instructed me to go back to taking 2 oxycodone every 6 hours and TAKE IT EASY! A refill is waiting for me at the office.

I hear about people who've had back surgery and were pain free immediately after surgery. Most of the cases I've read about online talk about how it was closer to a year before they felt well enough to return to their regular lives. I really have no idea what to expect.

At times I feel like I'm failing because literally each hour of my life looks like this: lay in bed for 45 minutes, walk for 15 minutes and make it to the bathroom. My husband reminds me that's more than what I did the day I ended up in the emergency room.

The night after surgery I had the blow torched leg many others have described, as my nerve woke back up, and thankfully that experience has not returned. My leg gets uncomfortable, and my foot is still numb, but mostly the pain is in my back. I can move a little bit in the wrong direction and feel like my spine has just slipped apart but if I'm careful, I can find a position that is tolerable for at least a short while.

Recovery seems so slow, its maddening! I can't read because I grow tired holding up a book. I can't be on the computer too long because my legs and neck grow tired holding up the laptop in the position needed to see. I can't watch movies because I can't lay too long. I have to get up and move in short bursts. I can't win.

I'm finding I shouldn't complain either because its beginning to really depress the hell out of me! It helps to vent here, so my family doesn't have to hear me being so negative.

It helps to breathe. I just close my eyes, pray and then breathe deeply in and out. It helps to feel God's presence with me and allow him to take my mind away from this.

Sleep on the other hand isn't so wonderful because I dream. My dreams are usually about being trapped, left behind or lost. One nightmare I couldn't move out of bed at all and I felt semi-awake, unable to scream for help. I did feel a small child's hand reach for mine and suddenly I was fully awake and able to get myself out of bed. I can't help but feel I was visited by an angel.

Counting my blessings I'm grateful I can pull myself out of bed. I'm grateful I can make it to the bathroom. I'm grateful for my family loving me unconditionally and helping me. I'm grateful the nurse told me to not rush my recovery. I still have no patience for this and perhaps this is why I still remain stressed instead of in recovery mode.

Day 5 Recovery

I've decided to half my pain medication and just deal with it. I'm not completely pain free taking only half, but I wasn't pain free taking the full dose either. The idea of suddenly having to go cold turkey also makes me nervous. I'm hoping I can start weaning myself now, 5 days post surgery, and make what I have last a little longer. I know oxycodone better known as Percocet, is a narcotic that is abused frequently and getting a refill on your prescription is not easy. I also know going cold turkey could bring withdrawal symptoms.

Before my surgery, I was taking 1 tablet every 4 hours. Post surgery I was told to take 2 tablets every 4 hours, but today I'll try 1 every 4 and see if in a few days I can stretch that to 1 every 6-8 hours. 

I'm not jumping jacks or kicking up my heels, but I can manage a comfortable sleeping position and slowly walking around the house isn't so bad. There's a part of me that wants to bend over and stretch so badly, but I know I'm suppose to take it easy for at least 2 weeks if not closer to 4 weeks. I can sit in a soft chair for a few minutes which is a few minutes more than before.

I'm still eating small meals, mostly while walking around my house. When I will one day be able to again to sit and enjoy a meal, it will be wonderful. I'm also looking forward to being able to put on socks by myself and wash my hair. Its ridiculous the little things you take for granted.

My sutures are scheduled to be removed by a nurse January 3rd and my follow up appointment with my neurosurgeon will be January 18th. My biggest challenge is having patience to get there.

Day 3 & 4 Recovery from Microdiscectomy

Day 3 was Christmas Eve - I spent  most of the day in bed, pillows under my legs, narcotics pulsing through my veins except when I forgot to take my scheduled pain medication. My mother in law had prepared a wonderful spread of food for us and cousins visited to share it with us. Unfortunately, with all the excitement, I had forgotten to take my dosage just as guests were arriving. 

I found my spirits declining once again as I began to realize, even trying to walk slowly was becoming very difficult. Pain and immobility are frightening things to me. I worried I was getting worse instead of better until my husband figured it out. I had missed my oxycodone dose. Once again under the influence, I felt well enough to get out of bed and move about, step by step, slowly. 


Day 4 Merry Christmas!! - Being on schedule with my medication has helped greatly. I slept and was well enough to sit long enough in a soft chair to enjoy watching my family open gifts. My emotional state is so much better. I'm believing once again I will heal. I will be restored. 

My husband reminded me of a basketball player who returned to the game after back surgery and I remember my neurosurgeon telling me of a 17 year old football player he operated on this past summer who returned to football this past fall. For the record my neurosurgeon doesn't believe anyone should play football at all due to the injuries, but I'm hopeful I will walk my dog, swim, dance and hula hoop by next Christmas.

95% of my disc material had herniated, and I need to give my nerve time to heal. My foot feels a different kind of numb, like it has been wrapped up tightly in a bandage. For the most part, I do not feel pain in my leg like before, but my back hurts and my incision site is itchy. I have to be very careful how I move, keeping my trunk/core in alinement or else my back screams at me. With the pain meds, I can move slowly, which I'm trying to do often to reduce scar tissue from forming.

Day 2 Recovery From Microdiscectomy

I have no patience for this. I want to be well now. 

My family is taking excellent care of me. My husband is keeping track of when and what medications I take, which is good because I don't seem to have any sense of time. I'm in a medicated blur. 

I was well enough to tag along shopping at the pet store for Christmas presents for our fur babies, and I also made it through having lunch out with my family. I was pretty tired after ward. 

I am sleeping better which is wonderful. Where as before I would wake up when my pain meds ran their course, my husband now wakes me to take them. 

I get up every few hours and walk a few laps of the house. Walking feels good but I feel weak and shaky. 

Today was the day to change my bandage. Husband said it looks pretty narly. I'm glad I can't see it. He said I have a bio-port from the David Cronenberg movie eXistenZ. I love that he has a sense of humor and he's reminding me to have one as well. 

Day 2's low point was emotional rather than physical. I am so frustrated not being able to do anything! I wanted to punch my first through the wall, which is not like me. I felt full of rage and frustration at my situation. I have no patience, and I'm having trouble finding hope I will be restored fully. At one point I thought the numbness was gone, but its back. 

My husband helped me calm down and assured me I only needed to take it easy right now and give this time, much more time. It was only Day 2!

One last thing that's driving me crazy, not being able to take a shower and wash my hair. Sponge baths just aren't cutting it.

I'm Home From My Microdiscectomy ~ Day 1 recovery

I'm practicing pain management, and I'm sleep deprived, but I'm home sweet home!

We drove slowly and carefully through the snow packed roads on Friday and made it to the hospital for my microdiscectomy back surgery for my herniated L5 S1 disc.

Prepping me I was a little nervous and caught off guard when they couldn't get my IV line started in. The anesthesiologist/vampire went for my neck. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. They numb you up pretty good and actually suture it into place. You are left looking like a borg with tubes sticking out of your neck.

I remember being told take a few deep breaths and next waking up in recovery. I have no recollection of being rolled over onto my stomach onto the special $70,000 back surgery table at Mercy hospital.

My surgery was scheduled for 1:00pm. Wheeled into my hospital room, I was stunned to see it was dark outside and it was already 6:00pm. Times flies when you're unconscious.

The nurses and nursing aides were awesome and took such great care of me! Although I didn't get any sleep, they made me as comfortable as possible. I had leg wraps that inflated and expanded automatically to keep my blood circulating. I was hooked up to the IV and a pulse oxygen monitor. That wasn't so pleasant because I kept setting off the alarms on the machines if I even moved an inch.

I became frightened in the wee morning hours when my leg pain came back with a vengeance. Instead of it being my upper hamstring area, it was my lower leg/calf/foot. It felt like it had been dipped into fire and the flesh was being burned off. I was in tears thinking I had made a huge mistake having this surgery. Once again the nurses were awesome doing everything within their power to help me. They helped me walk the halls and that helped a little. They also gave me morphine which took the edge off.

My nurse also took the time to settle my anxiety. She pointed out to me this pain was happening where I had previously experienced numbness. She suggested it was my nerve waking back up.

When I saw my neurosurgeon the next morning, he told me he had to remove "A LOT" of disc material, more than he usually sees in patients under going microdiscectomies. Some of the herniated material had actually dropped down and curved around my nerve so he had to go at it from multiple angles. No wonder why my nerve was so pissed off at me!

I'm happy the burning pain has gone away and I'm praying it stays away as I recover.  Coming home today felt so good! Even though I was offered to stay another night by my neurosurgeon, I want to be with my family and be in my bed. I will miss being able to walk the long hospital hallways, but I'll walk around my house, doing laps.

I'm in pain, mostly back, but I have oxycodone and for a short while Valium to help reduce muscle spasms. I can lay on my back for a short while but I'm most comfortable getting up and walking slowly. This is what was recommended to speed recovery and reduce scarring.

I'll return in 10-12 days to remove the stitches and then I can begin taking an anti-inflammatory once again. In the mean time, I am going to try and avoid sugar, dairy and grains to reduce inflammation, and I have my ice pack to lay on. I'll drink lots of Sleepy Time tea too!

Today is Day 1 of my recovery and I'm hopeful my body will improve each day, bringing me to my goal of being active once again. I can feel the love, support, prayers and positive thoughts from all my family and friends and it is helping me a great deal. THANK YOU!!

 

  

Just Get Me To Friday

My microdiscectomy surgery is Friday. I've read about the procedure, but I'm electing to turn off my autodidact powers, stopping short of watching an actual video of the procedure. I'm a visual person. If I see it, I'm worried it will amplify my anxiety. When I'm rid of all this pain, maybe then I'll watch it and think, wow, they did that to my back!

I frankly have no idea how people with a herniated disc can NOT have this procedure. I have visited depths of pain that have made me scream drastic things. I have to pop in an oxycodone every 4 hours instead of 6-8 to keep my tears from flowing. (I have my neurosurgeon's approval for this dosage.)

My favorite position is laying in bed, ice pack on my lower spine, pillows under my knees and at my sides. After some time however, I have to get up and move or the leg pain becomes unbearable. For some reason, slowly walking, shuffling my feet is the most comfortable I can make my body. Unfortunately, I'm not a sleep walker and my feet usually demand a rest at some point.

I've been told once the exploded jelly like disc material is cleared away and my nerve can position itself back where it was designed to be, my leg pain should disappear and hopefully my foot and lower calf will come back to life. I've been walking on pins and needles in my right foot for weeks now.

My neurosurgeon has warned I will still feel quite a bit of pain in my lower back but that should go away with time as I heal from the procedure. The nerve damage may take some time to heal, but he's confident it will heal since I'm having this procedure done sooner rather than later. He expects me to be walking 3 miles a day by spring.

I'm looking forward to being able to recover. Right now, I must be extra cautious I don't damage myself further. Its very difficult to remember I shouldn't be lifting anything heavier than 1 pound and I shouldn't bend over at all. Of course, my body reminds me sharply when I forget.

My poor puppy Rigby doesn't understand why we don't go for walks anymore. I'm grateful the rest of my family is able to walk and play with him, but he sadly looks up at me as if to say, "Don't you love me? Why won't you play with me?" I will be so happy to be able to walk him once again.

You take for granted how often you need to bend to pick something up. I've needed soap on a rope more than once this past week. Rigby has enjoyed many culinary delights he otherwise wouldn't have as I have dropped food and not been able to pick it up before he munched it.

Although I've mastered dressing myself, I can't put my right sock on. I'm sure my boys are growing weary of having me stick my foot in their face, asking for help. I'm looking forward to being able to take care of myself on my own.

My husband and family I'm sure have a new appreciation for the time it takes to take care of housekeeping,shopping and meal preparations. I'm grateful they have been able to do everything I can't, but I still hate having to burden them with my share of daily living chores. I will gladly vacuum the floor once I'm able to again.

My husband has been sick, yet he continues to put in extra time at the office so he can take off for my surgery. I want to be well so I can take care of him, instead of him always having to take care of me. I miss being able to be the wife he deserves.

I'm expecting recovery to be painful, but hopefully it will be a productive pain that eventually diminishes. I'm hoping physical therapy will teach me how I can strengthen my body to prevent my other bulging discs from herniating. I've had other people, including my neurosurgeon, tell me they've had multiple back surgeries, but I don't want this to be me. Once is more than enough!

When I allowed the pain to depress me, I'd have thoughts like - remember when I climbed up the cargo net in the Dirty Girl Race? I couldn't do that now. Will I ever be able to do it again? Look at those people dancing, running, driving, shopping, laughing, etc. Will I ever be able to enjoy life again like them?

I've learned how being able to be active and mobile, being able to take care of yourself and others, is where life's joy is found. I'm craving it back so badly!

I'm choosing to push the depression aside, believing instead this procedure will free me. I will focus on recovery, not on the risks. I will remember my gratitude and when able, share and serve with others to the best of my ability.

Bring on Friday, put me under, stick those instruments into my spine and get me moving again! I don't want to lose out on life any longer than I have to. 

Fearing The Pain

I met with my neurologist and reviewing my MRI results he informs me I have a herniated disc at L5 S1. He immediately rises from his seat and tells me he needs to consult with a neurosurgeon immediately.

I'm left alone in the room, staring at the computer screen, looking at that dark mess where it should be white. The pain I have been feeling is definitely there in black and white magnetic imagery.

Wait - did he say neurosurgeon as in surgery? BACK SURGERY??!! 

My right foot and calf are numb. Its not from breathing too fast as suggested by the ER doctor. Its because my nerve has been pushed away from where it needs to be and there's a sticky mess all over the place. There's a very real reason for my excruciating pain and I'm terrified.

It takes a night for my shock to wear off and I come to the conclusion, I'm more afraid of this pain than I am of having my back cut into and my spine touched. I want this to be done. I want to be on the road to recovery. I don't want to fear this pain and feel like I'm made of glass.

I met Dr. Rust today and I want a microdisectomy. On Dec 21st he will make a small incision, drill a small hole and clean up my painful problem. If I don't choose surgery, I can try to live on pain medications for up to a year and see if my body removes the disc material. This long process means my nerve will be out of place and I will most likely never regain feeling in my foot. My body could also end up calcifying the disc material, leaving me with no choice but to have my spine fused together. I need to choose this surgery. There is no other option for me.

I hate having to wait a little over a week. I wanted Dr. Rust to operate on me today. I'm finding myself terrified of the pain. I don't know if I have the endurance to make it. Yes, I'm on real pain medication now, no more self medicating with Advil, but I still have a very vivid memory of the hell I've been through. The oxycodone takes the edge off, but my body is still letting me know, my nerve is seriously pissed off!

As much as I want this operation as soon as possible, I have anxiety about the recovery. Will it hurt worse? Will my nerve go back and my foot come alive once again?

I'm depressed about not being able to take care of my family and my work responsibilities. I haven't been able to do much to get ready for Christmas. Will I even be able to enjoy Christmas?

I know this surgery is the pathway towards recovery and I have to find patience. I'm still frightened of the unknown and the realization I'm not controlling this one. 

No Mercy Health Support

After my latest fall, I found myself in my doctor's office. My right leg hamstrings were screaming angry. I knew I must have messed up something serious. My doctor prescribed a muscle relaxer and sent me home.

Tuesday morning I got up and fell again, this time in excruciating pain, unable to put any weight on my leg, unable to move at all. My screams scared the boys quickly out of bed. They brought me the phone and I called for my husband to come home from work.

My husband carried me to the chiropractor and I was grateful after that first adjustment, I could at least shuffle my feet. The pain never went away entirely however.

Thursday morning I had to call my husband home again. I have experienced 44 hours of labor and 20 minutes of pushing out an almost 10 pound baby. I have experienced passing kidney stones. The pain I experienced Thursday was like nothing I could have imagined. I screamed most of Thursday and when I could form words, I asked for God to take me. The pain was consuming me. I felt I was in hell. My husband and family were the only reasons I was choosing to fight on.

Calling my doctor, the nurse told me to call 911 and go to the Emergency room rather than an Urgent Care center. Her logic was they would call my neurologist down for a consult. I choose to skip the expensive ambulance and my husband drove me to the ER.

When we arrived at Mercy Hospital ER, no one was there. No receptionist, no one in the waiting room, no one around anywhere!! For a long 5-10 minutes, I cried and whaled, as we contemplated now calling 911. Where the hell was everyone? The receptionist finally showed up and checked us in. I was brought to an ER room where in tremendous pain, I could not sit or lay down. I could only stand up and bend over the sink.

After waiting forever, I was given a percocet and shot of anti-inflammatory and sent home. The pain was still present and I was in agony.  I was only given a prescription for a day's worth of oxycodone. They told my husband my foot was numb because I was breathing too fast. They never called neurology for me.

Thursday night the pain became worse and I really wanted to die, thinking nothing could take me from this misery. We called the ER doctor back and all she said was, "It should be working. We've done all we could do for you."


Friday morning I called my regular doctor's office to follow up as instructed by the ER doctor. My regular doctor was closed. The answering service refused to put me through to the doctor on call. I called the ER at Mercy and told them I couldn't see my regular doctor to get a regular prescription for pain relief. The ER doctor refused to refill the order for the weekend to get me to Monday. Saturday, I ran out of prescription pain killers and resorted to taking Advil.

It was Tuesday before an MRI was done of my spine. Wednesday I learned I have a herniated disc at L5 S1. The sticky, jelly like material that is suppose to cushion my vertebrae had oozed out all over pushing my nerve out of place in the process. This is why I can't feel my foot and part of my calf and why I have excruciating pain in my upper leg and lower back.

I am very frustrated with how I was treated at the Mercy Emergency room. Why they didn't x-ray or scan me that day I don't understand. I feel like they viewed me as a drug abuser trying to score.

I am equally frustrated with my doctor's answering service for not putting me through even to a nurse when I asked.

I did call my doctor on Monday and complain. What good it did, I don't know.

I understand policies are in place to prevent medications from being abused, but I feel like I've been abused in the process. After experiencing such a depth of pain, I cannot understand why we don't do more to help people. 

My Health Battle Continues

I've been struggling. I'm writing this for me. I understand how its not uplifting to be around a depressed person, so I don't expect this to be read. So why write it? Because somehow when I write it out, instead of all the negativity bouncing around inside my being, it is released through the words, and I feel I can move forward.

I don't know if I'm experiencing side effects of the medication, (Tegretol), or if I'm having more neurological symptoms. I'm having trouble swallowing. Anything small often gets stuck. I seem to be able to swallow but then I feel it get stuck on the way down.

For awhile now my left hand drops things unexpectedly. I wouldn't describe it as a weakness, but rather when I'm holding something without me being aware of it, my hand just gives out for a brief second, and I drop what I'm trying to hold onto. Sometimes it happens when I'm trying to grab something, and I can't seem to get my fingers to work correctly.

More troubling is the fact I'm falling. Without any warning, in full stride, my left leg disappears, and I'm a one legged woman going from vertical to horizontal, down hard. I'm not tripping on anything. Its as if my left foot and leg are not there. It happens for a split second but without the nerve messages firing to my brain, my left leg and foot do not work.

I'm grateful I haven't broken anything. For the most part, I've always landed correctly to avoid injury, however last night I fell walking Rigby in the dark. I couldn't get my knee down to do my usual brace my fall and then roll move. Incorrectly, my arms came down first, so today I'm very sore.

It makes me angry at first, but then I'm overwhelmed with fear. What if I break a bone next fall? What if I hit my head? What if this happens to me at work or when I'm around strangers. I'll die of embarrassment!

The medication I'm on for my trigeminal neuralgia is a nerve blocker. It has taken away the paralyzing, lightening strikes of pain on my face, but could this be causing me to be dropping things and falling?

I'm also concerned about my blood work. Although it seems my liver is holding up to the medication, my lymphocyte level is still low. A low lymphocyte count could be an indication of MS or Guillain-Barre syndrome. With these neurological disorders, the sodium channels are blocked so nerves don't fire properly. Ironically, the medication I'm on for Trigeminal Neuralgia is a sodium blocker. So is my medication causing my symptoms or could I possibly have MS or GBS? People with MS often develop TN so that has me wondering if I have MS. 

It's a confusing puzzle for me. I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor as to whether I should make another appointment for testing.