MRI Report

MRI Report

dawninger

August 31st, 14:55

Current Mood:

determined

The aliens have completed their testing on me. They called today to let me know,  http://youtu.be/OaTO8_KNcuo

I knew the MRI was going to be loud and claustrophobic, but I asked for ear plugs, and I shut my eyes before being pushed in. You wouldn't think you had to go in so far when its just your brain they are looking at, but they push you in up to your waist. The tube isn't wide enough for your arms, so they have to sit up on your chest a bit. I crossed mine and did my best vampire pose, eyes shut. The technician attached a mirror to my head cradle if I wanted to look out, but that is disorienting as well, so I did best just keeping my eyes shut and focusing on breathing.

The machine is loud. You first hear the magnet zooming around and it almost sounds like a heartbeat. It was easy for me to imagine I was safe, in the womb, but then the machine proceeds to make much louder, strange noises. For awhile I thought I was at a horrible rock concert with the guitarist strumming the same note over and over, again and again.

They pulled me out and injected me with aquatic creature residue, aka, contrast. I did have a slight metallic taste in my mouth, but it wasn't too bad. I knew there was going to be chocolate in my future, so I could put up with it.

Back in I went for another round, although it didn't last as long as the first series. I was just happy the loud noise didn't trigger my TN.

The nurse from my nuerologist called and said I do have several blood vessels that are sitting up against my trigeminal nerve. I'm choosing to be positive. Its not a tumor. Its not MS. Its several blood vessels bullying my nerves. I will have a follow up appointment in October and for now, they are keeping me on Tegretol, which I'm thankful, has taken the edge off for me.

I am continuing to use healing meditations and relaxation to encourage my body to HEAL ITSELF!!  The way I see it, I've had these blood vessels all of my life. My nerves needs to restore their myelin protective coating and be happy once again. I'm not giving them any other choice. GET TO HEALING NERVE CELLS!!

Not Feeling Very Positive At The Moment

Not Feeling Very Positive At The Moment

dawninger

August 28th, 20:49

Current Mood:

exhausted

I keep re-reading the last paragraph of my last post, trying to get that vibe back into my soul. I'm not feeling upbeat and positive today. I'm starting to wonder if feeling a little down, for a short while, is actually okay. Maybe I'm like a spring that needs to be pushed down before jumping up higher?

Maybe I'm sleep deprived? Too nervous to sleep before the doctor appointments last night, and then I was robbed of a few more precious hours this morning. DH locked himself out and when I didn't hear the doorbell, he pounded on our bedroom window at 5:30am. I was having a stressful dream, (evil parents trying to control their children), and the pounding only made my heart race faster. There was no going back to sleep after that.

Being able to work from home this week, I decided to start today at 5:30am since I was already up. The house was really quiet and my work did not distract me from noticing every little nerve attack in my face. I worked over 8 hours, noticing just how often I was getting attacks. I'm grateful they were low level attacks, and I could work right through them, but their frequency depressed me. I tried putting on music, but I still found myself making a mental connection to every attack.

It has to be because I'm sleep deprived and this has me feeling low. If I were more rested, I bet I could distract my attention from these mini TN attacks.

I keep seeing the neurologist's face when I told him I didn't want to only treat my TN symtoms, I intend to heal my nerves and be cured. He looked at me like I was a fool. At the time, I felt deviant. This guy's a moron, I told myself. I will heal my nerves and be cured!

I do think I need to find a new neurologist who I click better with and who is willing to be on my team positive!

I need to sleep tonight too.

And not dream about parents in an evil cult. I'm currently too busy trying to be my own superhero.

Awkward,Annoying, At Least They're Over With For Today! (Doctor visits)

Awkward, Annoying, At Least They're Over With For Today! (Doctors Visits)

dawninger

August 27th, 15:22

Current Mood:

hopeful

I made it. Its now the afternoon, and I can relax and look forward to spending the rest of the day with my nest mates. For the record I slept very little last night, so I will most likely crash out early.

I saw my general practioner for my annual physical. We have new insurance and our clinic has switched out doctors. I did meet our new GP when he diagnosed my trigeminal neuralgia last month, which I'm grateful he was able to do, being a small town doctor. Today was my first annual physical with him though. I got the impression he doesn't do many pap smears each day. He seemed really nervous, more than me!! Up until this point he's always been cool, calm and friendly. Why was my vagina so scary? LOL!

He called a nurse into the room, which I didn't feel was necessary, but whatever. I'm 44. I've had plenty of poking and proding over the years. I don't take it personal. I see it as an uncomfortable necessity of life to stay healthy. I lost a dear cousin to ovarian cancer because she avoided these types of doctor visits. After that loss, I promised myself I would take care of myself for the sake of my family.

After my physical, it was time to head to the neurologist to discuss my TN. This is where my day gets annoying insead of awkward if you're keeping track. The nurse was pleasant, but when the neurologist entered, it went down hill. His bedside manner meter = zip, nada, zero. He typed into the computer his notes the entire time rather than actively listening to me. I felt like I was dictating to him, always unsure if he was hearing me and keeping up with what I was reporting.

He ordered an MRI, with and without contrast, and then I'll meet with him again. When I tried to ask about alternative therapies, he said, "There's nothing you can do. You will have this the rest of your life. We don't know why it happens, and there is no cure. We can treat you with medications and nerve blocks."

I challenged that and asked about B vitamins, chiropractor adjustments, accupunture, myofacial release, etc and his response, "If you want to try it. Go ahead. If it won't harm you, try it."

I was disappointed he did not offer any of these suggestions and it was me who had to bring them up. I've been researching this condition since being diagnosed by my GP last July, and I have learned more on my own than I've learned from this neurologist. I'm so glad I'm an autodidact!!

I will have the MRI, meet with him one more time, and then decide if I'm staying with this dude. I will be looking into alternative therapies because I'm not interested in only treating the symptoms, but my goal is healing.

I left this negative experience with the thought, I can still choose to be positive. I will not allow anyone to bring me down. I can be friendly, caring and loving despite being judged. I am blessed with wonderfully supportive, loving people in my life from which I can model this lifestyle. I'm going for it!

Night Before Doctor Visit Jitters - 8/26/12

I should be trying to sleep, but I have too much anxiety about seeing doctors tomorrow, first my GP then the neurologist.

I hate physicals. I understand they are important, but I just feel so uncomfortable. My doctor's office is always really hot, which doesn't help. Laying on the paper which sticks to me every time I attempt to move, I can't help but feel like a piece of meat.

I'm sure I'm going to be too self conscious, to remember to ask about all the things I want to bring up. Hopefully I don't forget my notebook, where I've jotted some things down I want to cover.

The nurse will give me a hard time about how I'm overdue for my boob smoosh and vaccinations, but frankly, I've been too concerned about my recent trigeminal neuralgia diagnosis. I wish I could skip the physical and just pow wow with the neurologist.

I've been keeping a notebook recording my symptoms. I thought that would help, but sometimes it freaks me a little. The level 8-9 attacks are practically gone, and I can count on my hands how many times I reach 5-7 levels each week, but I'm still having episodes that feel like 3's or other types of symptoms.

Sometimes it feels like I've been poked with a needle repeatably in my mouth and it feels stiff, like when your novacaine shot wears off and the gum tissue feels achy. That lasts sometimes all day long.  Sometimes I feel pain in my left nostril in addition to my cheek and jaw. I've had moments of tinglying from the back of my head wrapping around to my left face, or sometimes its just the left half of my lips experiencing a pins and needles sensation. I've also noticed the hearing in my left ear seems to be affected.

I've also developed triggers. When this first started for me, it would happen with no rhyme or reason. Sometimes that is still the case, but now I notice eating and laughing can cause attacks for me. I'm sensitive to hot or cold food and drink. Loud noises trigger my TN too.

If I get tired, it gets worse.

If I am stressed, it gets worse.

So I really shouldn't be up now, worrying about my doctor visits right!!

It is helping to get the worries out of my head, and type them into the glowing, rectangle facing me right now.

My goal tomorrow is not to worry about being judged. My goal is information. I have to focus on that.

If you're read this far, thank you. I'm going to try and do some relaxing meditations and hopefully I will fall asleep. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

Peace and love to you!

Lasagna Roll Ups

I finally got around to making the lasagna roll up recipe I saw on Pinterest. Supposedly it only has around 225 calories per lasagna noodle roll up.

The rest of my family does not eat lasagna, but I love it. I needed something I could freeze and heat up for nights I work. It came together pretty easy, but the next time I make this, I'll use more veggies in addition to the spinach. I'm thinking chopped, roasted tomatoes, garlic, summer squash, would be nice additions. I sprinkled pepper into the spinach cheese mixture and then sprinkled garlic powder on top. Next time I'll boost up the seasonings, using Italian herbs and more garlic.

Recipe:
9 cooked lasagna noodles, drain and lay to dry on a clean kitchen towel
10 oz package of frozen spinach, thawed and drained
15 oz package non-fat ricotta cheese
1/2 C parmesan cheese
1 egg
32 oz tomato sauce
9 T mozzarella cheese- I'll admit, I probably used more.

-Preheat oven to 350

-Ladle 9 x 11 pan with about 1 cup of tomato sauce, reserving the rest to pour over the roll ups

-Mix together the spinach, ricotta, parmesan and egg

-Lay out each lasagna noodle on a piece of wax paper and spread 1/3 cup of spinach mixture onto noodle

-Roll up the lasagna noodle and place in the baking dish

-Pour remaining tomato sauce over the rolls ups

-Sprinkle 1 T of mozzarella cheese on top of each roll up

-Cover with foil and bake for 40 minutes or until cheese is melted

Weekend Fun 8/19/12

dawninger

August 19th, 19:13

Current Mood:

hopeful

Despite it being a short weekend for me, (I had to work for part of it), I'm having a great time with my family.

G-Ma came for a visit, showing us photos from her recent trip to Ireland. It looks like such a beautiful country, I wish I could visit it one day. She said everyone was so friendly, something we don't often get to experience here.

We attended our cousin's bowling party and had a great time. We'll have to go bowling more often. It had been so long since we last bowled, and I forgotten how fun it is.

We've been watching the Dew Tour, enoying the BMX riding. Of course its motivating DS13 to practice more tricks. I keep hoping and mentioning to him, "Don't break anything!" So far, thankfully he's only broken pedals, tires and his shoes. All of that I can handle. The day he comes in with a limb bent the wrong way, I'm going to pass out.

I had a surprise visit from my sister and niece. My niece has invited us to a Halloween party this October, and we discussed trying to get together at least monthly to go hiking and explore. I love having something to look forward to, and I'm not going to worry about if I will feel up to it. I'm just going to plan like I will be well enough to enjoy it.

In the spirit of not worrying about how I'm going to feel down the road, I booked a family trip to the next Unschoolers Waterpark Gathering in February. We've attended the last few years, and have really enjoyed it. I know its given all of us something to look forward to.

I have a feeling this upcoming week is going to go by quickly, which is something else I'm looking forward to.

44 And Fearless

Here's a photo of me with the new haircut as promised. I had let 8 months go by without getting a trim. I'm vowing not to let that happen again, and I won't be afraid of hairdressers who cut too much off. I had decided it was time I do something for myself, and my new motto is to be 44 and fearless.

My family gave me a wonderful birthday last weekend. They made a card which was hilarious, gave me thoughtful gifts and fed me tasty food.

We have a tradition in our family to make homemade cards for one another. It started when we decided store bought cards lacked creativity and humor and just weren't worth the cost of $3-$4. My card this year was a Facts Of Life card, complete with photos of Blair and Natalie. It cracked me up.

My family picked out a beautiful cermanic lantern for me. I have a lantern collection, and now I need to figure out how to best hang them. I also received beautiful, sparkling crystal rings from each of my sons.

I began my new year feeling pretty good, but my motto was tested Tuesday when unexpectedly, trigeminal neuralgia slammed me across the face with its electrified baseball bat. I hadn't experienced an attack at that pain level in several weeks. I was back in bed, curled up, praying it would stop in time for me to drive to work. Thankfully it did, but I've had aftershocks, and I'm back on pain meds.

When I'm in the throws of pain, unable to function, its easy to become overwhelmed with fear. The challenge is becoming not so much how do I make this pain go away- the reality is it won't. The real challenge is how do I relax and not tense up in fear.

I do believe being afraid of the pain, makes it worse. Doctors are studying this as the nocebo effect, when a patient is told of side effects of drugs, or that a procedure will be painful, it does cause the patient to experience those side effects or feel increased pain. I believe fearing my pain, makes it worse, so I'm going to try to relax more and not be afraid.

I'm adding meditation and relaxation to my treatment plan. I did so before going to sleep last night, and I slept almost 11 hours without pain medication!! No surprise my TN is feeling much better today.

Fearless and 44, that is me. Yes, I will be tested, but I know what it is I need to do to make the fear disappear.

Moving quickly to the lifeboats from this sinking ship. I'm sure I'll figure out how to row my new blogging homes, http://dawninger.livejournal.com/ and http://dawninger.blogspot.com/

Rocking My Awesome

I've been spending my last days as a 43 year old superstar with as much awesome as I can muster up. I chopped off 5 inches of my hair. This was drastic for me. I had not cut my hair since November 28, 2011. The hairdresser finished cutting, and I found myself without any hesitation asking her to cut more, go shorter. I normally feel awkward having my hair cut. I had felt spending the money on myself was inconsiderate. Something has changed in me. Cutting my hair and doing something just for me felt right.

Yesterday I took the boys out for lunch and then for a swim. It was such a pleasure having both of my sons wanting to join in. We haven't been swimming together in a long while. My usually hesitant son had such a great time, he suggested we make this a Friday ritual, enjoying a swim together. Sounds like a great idea to me!

After our swim they agreed to go NOT BACK TO SCHOOL shopping. We found new jeans for only $12 a pair at JCPenneys. It was a treat, being able to actually shop for clothes with my teenaged sons. I wish it would have lasted longer.

I made homemade pizza and homemade cinnamon rolls Friday evening. It's been so long since I've felt well enough to bake, I truly enjoyed it. It wasn't a chore at all. Being in the kitchen again has motivated me to clean it up and re-organize it. I have missed having this productive outlet.

Today I did something completely unexpected. My family had told me about this huge spider, hanging out just over a doorway. The spider's body was about the size of a quarter with long, 2 inch legs creepily clinging to the wall. Normally I would make my husband use a container to capture the freaky thing and set it free outside. (We only crunch and crush if left no other choice.) Without thinking too much about it, I grabbed the container and made the spider jump in. It ran quickly up the side of the container, but I managed to get the lid on instead of dropping it and running for safety.

I have more courage these days, or maybe I'm becoming more impulsive? Either way, I know I'm changing. I don't want to be afraid and live in fear. I'm eager to find joy, even in small things. I've sat outside, inches away from the humming bird feeder and as the little birds come to drink, I feel life is good. I have a painful affliction, but life is beautiful. Sitting within inches of a tiny creature I find miraculous, I believe miracles are being given to me everyday. Life is awesome. I feel awesome. There is a pain in my face, but there's too much fun in this world to allow this pain to define me.

Backup Plan

As you can see from the date of the previous post, I abandoned my blogger years ago to journal on Multiply. With Multiply closing, I'm forced to find a new home for my online thoughts. In hindsight, I wish I would have been backing up all my posts on a second site. This is my plan for moving forward.

I've set up a Livejournal account, and I will do my best to re-post my entries here on blogger.

My Multiply friends and splitting and scattering to the corners of the web-i-verse. I hope to remain in touch with everyone and make new friends in the transition. When one door closes, another opens. If not, I'm ready to break a window!

Everybody is setting up shop in different places. I keep bookmarking all these new blog sites, so hopefully I won't lose touch, but I will miss how easy it was to receive updates in one spot.

Trying out Livejournal, and so far, I'm feeling pretty comfortable. Here's my first post: http://dawninger.livejournal.com/641.html

Multiply is closing, which means I will have to move my blog. Friend me on Facebook, if you haven't already, so we don't lose touch. If you have found a new social blogging site that works well, please let me know. I remember when we all moved from yahoo 360 years ago and now here we go again. www.facebook.com/dawninger

I dreamed I was harvesting potatoes from my garden. The potatoes came out as cute, adorable puppies. After harvesting dozens of puppies, in dream logic, I became horrified, realizing that potatoes came from puppies. There was no way I could kill puppies just to eat potatoes. I have no clue what this dream means. Maybe that I'm not suppose to eat potatoes?

Write For 5 Minutes About Something That Stresses You

I participate in Me, You, Health's daily challenge and today's challenge was to write for 5 minutes about something that stresses you. I thought I'd write in here.

Trigeminal Neuralgia stresses me out.

Trigeminal Neuralgia is known to be one of the most painful conditions to man. Doctors refer to it unofficially as suicide disease because so many people with TN take their lives because the pain is too great to bare.

Your trigeminal nerve comes down your face, with branches spreading out over your forehead, cheek and jawline. In my case, it has attacked the left side of my face.

At its worst, I've been curled up in the fetal position, with the pain level at 9 out of 10. Episodes last anywhere from 20-60 minutes and the frequency of attacks for me varies. The worse series I had was two 40 minute, level 8 attacks within 15 minutes of one another.

When I'm having an attack of that intensity, I can't function. When I can't function it stresses me out. I have high expectations for myself to meet up and exceed my responsibilities. My family, my job, not being able to serve to the best of my capabilities really brings me down.

In addition to being depressed about not being able to function, I walk around in a constant state of anxiety. I never know when the next attack will happen. Will I be home and be able to lay down? Will I be at work and have no choice but to literally grin and bare it while trying to help customers? Once I had an attack while driving. I should have pulled over, but I was stressed about making it to work on time. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I worry about the fact medications only work for a certain length of time. Your body develops a tolerance you see, and eventually, you end up having to take such a high dose of anti-seizure medication you lose muscle function and coordination. I don't want to become a zombie. Zombies don't function too well either, so either way, its lose for me.

Surgery scares me too. The variety of procedures are destructive, and there is always a risk of further complications. Many patients of TN who have had surgery report the pain relief is only temporary and comes back.

I worry about not being able to continue working. My part time income really helps us make ends meet every month.

I stress over making future plans because I don't know how I will be feeling.

I stress over being downer Dawn. No one wants to be around someone depressed and stressed out all the time.

I stress over how this is effecting my family. They have needs of their own. I don't want to diminish the quality of their lives, as the quality of mine slips away.

When I'm having an episode, and the pain overwhelms, it is very easy to understand why no one wants to go through life this way. I wouldn't wish this pain on my enemy. When I'm in that dark moment, it feels like this is too great a burden to carry for a lifetime.

I have to remind myself to be grateful. I have to fight and lift myself up whenever I can, remembering those dark moments are always followed by love and light.

I'm grateful my TN was diagnosed before I needlessly had dental work. Many unfortunate people with TN go through multiple root canals and tooth extractions only to discover the pain is still there.

I'm grateful my small town doctor knew of it and knew to prescribe a certain medication.

I'm grateful Tegretol for now, is bringing me some relief.

I'm grateful this has happened while we have decent health insurance.

I'm grateful to have the support of my husband, family and friends. I really do feel uplifted by their prayers and positive thoughts. I take all that healing energy and move forward as much as I can in between dark times. I know with all that help, I will be able to continue.

I'm grateful for my heavenly Father. In my darkest moments, when I can't feel the love and support of my family & friends, I can still feel God's presence. His love never fails. In the throws of pain, I give each moment of suffering to him and he tells me I will never have to suffer that moment again. It is gone and I'm continually moving forward. Moment by moment, I give them away, never to be suffered again. Before I know it, I'm out of the pain tunnel and back into the light and joy.

So that's my 5 minutes of writing, well maybe a little more, about what is stressing me out lately.