Halving my pain medication was not such a good idea. I also tried to sit and eat a meal. Also not a good idea. By Wednesday evening I was despondent. The pain was too much to bear and I found myself in tears, depressed, thinking I'm never getting through this and my life will never have meaning and joy again.
I went from being able to take short walks around the house to wanting to scream with every step and grabbing the walls to hold me up. I couldn't find a comfortable position and psychologically went to that dark place once again. Thankfully, my husband was here, to hold my hand and promise me it would get better and we would find a way.
This morning I called the nurse and she scolded me for halving my medication. She reminded me I'm not yet a week out from my surgery. She assured me I needed to give it one more week at least before I would notice a change in my comfort level. She instructed me to go back to taking 2 oxycodone every 6 hours and TAKE IT EASY! A refill is waiting for me at the office.
I hear about people who've had back surgery and were pain free immediately after surgery. Most of the cases I've read about online talk about how it was closer to a year before they felt well enough to return to their regular lives. I really have no idea what to expect.
At times I feel like I'm failing because literally each hour of my life looks like this: lay in bed for 45 minutes, walk for 15 minutes and make it to the bathroom. My husband reminds me that's more than what I did the day I ended up in the emergency room.
The night after surgery I had the blow torched leg many others have described, as my nerve woke back up, and thankfully that experience has not returned. My leg gets uncomfortable, and my foot is still numb, but mostly the pain is in my back. I can move a little bit in the wrong direction and feel like my spine has just slipped apart but if I'm careful, I can find a position that is tolerable for at least a short while.
Recovery seems so slow, its maddening! I can't read because I grow tired holding up a book. I can't be on the computer too long because my legs and neck grow tired holding up the laptop in the position needed to see. I can't watch movies because I can't lay too long. I have to get up and move in short bursts. I can't win.
I'm finding I shouldn't complain either because its beginning to really depress the hell out of me! It helps to vent here, so my family doesn't have to hear me being so negative.
It helps to breathe. I just close my eyes, pray and then breathe deeply in and out. It helps to feel God's presence with me and allow him to take my mind away from this.
Sleep on the other hand isn't so wonderful because I dream. My dreams are usually about being trapped, left behind or lost. One nightmare I couldn't move out of bed at all and I felt semi-awake, unable to scream for help. I did feel a small child's hand reach for mine and suddenly I was fully awake and able to get myself out of bed. I can't help but feel I was visited by an angel.
Counting my blessings I'm grateful I can pull myself out of bed. I'm grateful I can make it to the bathroom. I'm grateful for my family loving me unconditionally and helping me. I'm grateful the nurse told me to not rush my recovery. I still have no patience for this and perhaps this is why I still remain stressed instead of in recovery mode.
1 comment:
You remain in my prayers, Dawn. I'm glad you talked with the nurse and have found some comfort in the reminder that you still have another week before you should notice any changes (even though there are changes for the good!). Let your family help you. It is good for them to be able to show their love by being there for you. Don't be so hard on yourself. Keep praying, and keep believing that you will be fine. You will.
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