We had used "Time Out" for our oldest, but when Jared came along, "Time Out" didn't work for him. We knew spanking was abusive, but if Time Out wouldn't work, what were we to do? I prayed about it, and then the answer came to me. Give this child a mission.
Whenever toddler Jared would misbehave, he needed understanding and direction. It wasn't about trying to get him to change, but understanding why he was acting they way he was. How could we show him how to respect others and make better choices with his reactions?
God told me, "Give Jared a job." It wasn't about redirection so much as it was about giving Jared the opportunity to feel important and purposeful.
"Jared, could you please help Mommy with the garbage? Could you help Mommy with..." He took to it instantly. He loved helping out. It gave him a sense of purpose. It gave him the self confidence that comes with responsibility. Jobs were never about punishment, but were opportunities to show how valuable he was.
I realized this little guy just needed to feel respected, and he wanted to feel powerful. He wanted to be able to do what his big brother and his parents could do.
As he grew older, the misbehavior ceased, and we gave him more choices. For example, we had given him ownership of the task of unloading the dishwasher. He knew it had to be done every day, but he could pick when he did it.
If I'm worried he's not going get to it in a timely fashion, I'll ask him, "At what time do you think you'll be able to unload the dishwasher because I'd like to load in the dirty dishes before I leave for work."
He'll choose a time and ask, "Will 10:30 be okay?" If it works for me, great, if not, I'll explain why.
"Well, I have to leave by 10:30 so that won't work for me."
"OK, how about I unload the dishes at 9:30?" We have a respectable, negotiation. No nagging, no attitudes, just two people working out together a solution, because they love and respect each other.
We've relied on respect, love and understanding rather than yelling or hitting to teach our children expectations of proper behavior. When we were first time parents, we used "Time Outs" for toddler Jake because that was the advice of our physician, but Jared really taught us the best way to discipline.
I know I've offended friends when I tell them spanking is abusive. I personally believe it should be against the law. I guarantee you if I slapped a kid's butt and that kid was not mine, I would be arrested and forced to register as a sex offender, but why if I'm the parent of the child is this acceptable? If someone touches, let alone slaps, my backside without my permission, I will feel molested and sexually harassed. It will not motivate me to correct my behavior, but rather I will feel scared or pissed off.
I have some friends who try to use scripture to justify their abusive discipline, but if they would read the original text, they would see the "rod" translates to "leading the direction of", not hitting. Smart shepherds don't beat their sheep because it would hurt and damage them.
What I don't understand is why some parents believe fear works. If you try to control your children using fear and intimidation, I can promise you those same kids, when they do have a problem are not going to come to you for help. They are going to seek out support from those who don't pose any threat.
I feel so blessed knowing my boys know there is nothing they can't come to us with. There is no question they can't ask, no problem they can't share. They feel completely safe with us and know we are going to support them. They aren't going to get "in trouble" but rather they will find a listening, sympathetic ear. They don't have to lie to avoid punishment, but rather they know they can be completely honest with us.
5 comments:
A great post, Dawn, from one who had parents who spanked AND stood us in the corner. They were not abusive, but I can tell you that there was some fear involved and there were definitely things we never told our parents until years and years later. It is much better to understand behavior than to try to squash it. You got it right!!
I think that's awesome that you have such a great relationship with your boys.
My siblings and I were never spanked as my father was abused as a child and refused to lay a hand on any of his children. Though he has a very stern voice and didn't hesitate to yell at us, he was harmless and we love him dearly. His way of punishing us was grounding us for 2 weeks, which would only last a day if that. He did put some fear in us when he would say "wait till your mother hears about this", he would never tell lol. There are 5 of us and we each had very open relationships with our parents from a very young age.
wow never thought of doing that.. I think my middle boy would benefit from that!
Great blog Dawn and a awesome solution to a problem many parents have.
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