10 Days Post Surgery ~ 1 Step Forward 2 Steps Back

I just may be finally getting it. Take it easy means, do nothing. Do not lift the laptop. Do not lift your plate of food. Do not bend over to pick up the dog's Kong.

After having a few days where I was beginning to feel I was turning the corner and possibly healing from this nightmare, I went to wash my hands and then reach ever so slightly sideways to grab a towel to dry off. Now I'm hating my life again.

Back pain is torturous. It messes with your spirit, not just your body.

I also made the mistake of looking at my incision in the mirror yesterday. I didn't expect it to look blood red with a black thread running through it. I expected it to be tiny, two inches. It's more like four. Add to the fact I haven't been able to really wash my hair properly I feel like the bride of Frankenstein. The black stitches should come out in 5 days, so I'm hoping I can take a long, real shower, shampooing and conditioning my hair.

Mostly I'm hoping for this pain to improve for good. Its a tease having a good day and then waking up and feeling worse than ever. I don't understand this healing process at all.

My loved ones remind me, I will feel better. I need to hang in there. This recovery is much more mental than physical. I cry a little and then feel better. I rest, take my medication and try to find patience with myself.

Day 6 I Shouldn't Rush This

Halving my pain medication was not such a good idea. I also tried to sit and eat a meal. Also not a good idea. By Wednesday evening I was despondent. The pain was too much to bear and I found myself in tears, depressed, thinking I'm never getting through this and my life will never have meaning and joy again.

I went from being able to take short walks around the house to wanting to scream with every step and grabbing the walls to hold me up. I couldn't find a comfortable position and psychologically went to that dark place once again. Thankfully, my husband was here, to hold my hand and promise me it would get better and we would find a way.

This morning I called the nurse and she scolded me for halving my medication. She reminded me I'm not yet a week out from my surgery. She assured me I needed to give it one more week at least before I would notice a change in my comfort level. She instructed me to go back to taking 2 oxycodone every 6 hours and TAKE IT EASY! A refill is waiting for me at the office.

I hear about people who've had back surgery and were pain free immediately after surgery. Most of the cases I've read about online talk about how it was closer to a year before they felt well enough to return to their regular lives. I really have no idea what to expect.

At times I feel like I'm failing because literally each hour of my life looks like this: lay in bed for 45 minutes, walk for 15 minutes and make it to the bathroom. My husband reminds me that's more than what I did the day I ended up in the emergency room.

The night after surgery I had the blow torched leg many others have described, as my nerve woke back up, and thankfully that experience has not returned. My leg gets uncomfortable, and my foot is still numb, but mostly the pain is in my back. I can move a little bit in the wrong direction and feel like my spine has just slipped apart but if I'm careful, I can find a position that is tolerable for at least a short while.

Recovery seems so slow, its maddening! I can't read because I grow tired holding up a book. I can't be on the computer too long because my legs and neck grow tired holding up the laptop in the position needed to see. I can't watch movies because I can't lay too long. I have to get up and move in short bursts. I can't win.

I'm finding I shouldn't complain either because its beginning to really depress the hell out of me! It helps to vent here, so my family doesn't have to hear me being so negative.

It helps to breathe. I just close my eyes, pray and then breathe deeply in and out. It helps to feel God's presence with me and allow him to take my mind away from this.

Sleep on the other hand isn't so wonderful because I dream. My dreams are usually about being trapped, left behind or lost. One nightmare I couldn't move out of bed at all and I felt semi-awake, unable to scream for help. I did feel a small child's hand reach for mine and suddenly I was fully awake and able to get myself out of bed. I can't help but feel I was visited by an angel.

Counting my blessings I'm grateful I can pull myself out of bed. I'm grateful I can make it to the bathroom. I'm grateful for my family loving me unconditionally and helping me. I'm grateful the nurse told me to not rush my recovery. I still have no patience for this and perhaps this is why I still remain stressed instead of in recovery mode.

Day 5 Recovery

I've decided to half my pain medication and just deal with it. I'm not completely pain free taking only half, but I wasn't pain free taking the full dose either. The idea of suddenly having to go cold turkey also makes me nervous. I'm hoping I can start weaning myself now, 5 days post surgery, and make what I have last a little longer. I know oxycodone better known as Percocet, is a narcotic that is abused frequently and getting a refill on your prescription is not easy. I also know going cold turkey could bring withdrawal symptoms.

Before my surgery, I was taking 1 tablet every 4 hours. Post surgery I was told to take 2 tablets every 4 hours, but today I'll try 1 every 4 and see if in a few days I can stretch that to 1 every 6-8 hours. 

I'm not jumping jacks or kicking up my heels, but I can manage a comfortable sleeping position and slowly walking around the house isn't so bad. There's a part of me that wants to bend over and stretch so badly, but I know I'm suppose to take it easy for at least 2 weeks if not closer to 4 weeks. I can sit in a soft chair for a few minutes which is a few minutes more than before.

I'm still eating small meals, mostly while walking around my house. When I will one day be able to again to sit and enjoy a meal, it will be wonderful. I'm also looking forward to being able to put on socks by myself and wash my hair. Its ridiculous the little things you take for granted.

My sutures are scheduled to be removed by a nurse January 3rd and my follow up appointment with my neurosurgeon will be January 18th. My biggest challenge is having patience to get there.

Day 3 & 4 Recovery from Microdiscectomy

Day 3 was Christmas Eve - I spent  most of the day in bed, pillows under my legs, narcotics pulsing through my veins except when I forgot to take my scheduled pain medication. My mother in law had prepared a wonderful spread of food for us and cousins visited to share it with us. Unfortunately, with all the excitement, I had forgotten to take my dosage just as guests were arriving. 

I found my spirits declining once again as I began to realize, even trying to walk slowly was becoming very difficult. Pain and immobility are frightening things to me. I worried I was getting worse instead of better until my husband figured it out. I had missed my oxycodone dose. Once again under the influence, I felt well enough to get out of bed and move about, step by step, slowly. 


Day 4 Merry Christmas!! - Being on schedule with my medication has helped greatly. I slept and was well enough to sit long enough in a soft chair to enjoy watching my family open gifts. My emotional state is so much better. I'm believing once again I will heal. I will be restored. 

My husband reminded me of a basketball player who returned to the game after back surgery and I remember my neurosurgeon telling me of a 17 year old football player he operated on this past summer who returned to football this past fall. For the record my neurosurgeon doesn't believe anyone should play football at all due to the injuries, but I'm hopeful I will walk my dog, swim, dance and hula hoop by next Christmas.

95% of my disc material had herniated, and I need to give my nerve time to heal. My foot feels a different kind of numb, like it has been wrapped up tightly in a bandage. For the most part, I do not feel pain in my leg like before, but my back hurts and my incision site is itchy. I have to be very careful how I move, keeping my trunk/core in alinement or else my back screams at me. With the pain meds, I can move slowly, which I'm trying to do often to reduce scar tissue from forming.

Day 2 Recovery From Microdiscectomy

I have no patience for this. I want to be well now. 

My family is taking excellent care of me. My husband is keeping track of when and what medications I take, which is good because I don't seem to have any sense of time. I'm in a medicated blur. 

I was well enough to tag along shopping at the pet store for Christmas presents for our fur babies, and I also made it through having lunch out with my family. I was pretty tired after ward. 

I am sleeping better which is wonderful. Where as before I would wake up when my pain meds ran their course, my husband now wakes me to take them. 

I get up every few hours and walk a few laps of the house. Walking feels good but I feel weak and shaky. 

Today was the day to change my bandage. Husband said it looks pretty narly. I'm glad I can't see it. He said I have a bio-port from the David Cronenberg movie eXistenZ. I love that he has a sense of humor and he's reminding me to have one as well. 

Day 2's low point was emotional rather than physical. I am so frustrated not being able to do anything! I wanted to punch my first through the wall, which is not like me. I felt full of rage and frustration at my situation. I have no patience, and I'm having trouble finding hope I will be restored fully. At one point I thought the numbness was gone, but its back. 

My husband helped me calm down and assured me I only needed to take it easy right now and give this time, much more time. It was only Day 2!

One last thing that's driving me crazy, not being able to take a shower and wash my hair. Sponge baths just aren't cutting it.

I'm Home From My Microdiscectomy ~ Day 1 recovery

I'm practicing pain management, and I'm sleep deprived, but I'm home sweet home!

We drove slowly and carefully through the snow packed roads on Friday and made it to the hospital for my microdiscectomy back surgery for my herniated L5 S1 disc.

Prepping me I was a little nervous and caught off guard when they couldn't get my IV line started in. The anesthesiologist/vampire went for my neck. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. They numb you up pretty good and actually suture it into place. You are left looking like a borg with tubes sticking out of your neck.

I remember being told take a few deep breaths and next waking up in recovery. I have no recollection of being rolled over onto my stomach onto the special $70,000 back surgery table at Mercy hospital.

My surgery was scheduled for 1:00pm. Wheeled into my hospital room, I was stunned to see it was dark outside and it was already 6:00pm. Times flies when you're unconscious.

The nurses and nursing aides were awesome and took such great care of me! Although I didn't get any sleep, they made me as comfortable as possible. I had leg wraps that inflated and expanded automatically to keep my blood circulating. I was hooked up to the IV and a pulse oxygen monitor. That wasn't so pleasant because I kept setting off the alarms on the machines if I even moved an inch.

I became frightened in the wee morning hours when my leg pain came back with a vengeance. Instead of it being my upper hamstring area, it was my lower leg/calf/foot. It felt like it had been dipped into fire and the flesh was being burned off. I was in tears thinking I had made a huge mistake having this surgery. Once again the nurses were awesome doing everything within their power to help me. They helped me walk the halls and that helped a little. They also gave me morphine which took the edge off.

My nurse also took the time to settle my anxiety. She pointed out to me this pain was happening where I had previously experienced numbness. She suggested it was my nerve waking back up.

When I saw my neurosurgeon the next morning, he told me he had to remove "A LOT" of disc material, more than he usually sees in patients under going microdiscectomies. Some of the herniated material had actually dropped down and curved around my nerve so he had to go at it from multiple angles. No wonder why my nerve was so pissed off at me!

I'm happy the burning pain has gone away and I'm praying it stays away as I recover.  Coming home today felt so good! Even though I was offered to stay another night by my neurosurgeon, I want to be with my family and be in my bed. I will miss being able to walk the long hospital hallways, but I'll walk around my house, doing laps.

I'm in pain, mostly back, but I have oxycodone and for a short while Valium to help reduce muscle spasms. I can lay on my back for a short while but I'm most comfortable getting up and walking slowly. This is what was recommended to speed recovery and reduce scarring.

I'll return in 10-12 days to remove the stitches and then I can begin taking an anti-inflammatory once again. In the mean time, I am going to try and avoid sugar, dairy and grains to reduce inflammation, and I have my ice pack to lay on. I'll drink lots of Sleepy Time tea too!

Today is Day 1 of my recovery and I'm hopeful my body will improve each day, bringing me to my goal of being active once again. I can feel the love, support, prayers and positive thoughts from all my family and friends and it is helping me a great deal. THANK YOU!!

 

  

Just Get Me To Friday

My microdiscectomy surgery is Friday. I've read about the procedure, but I'm electing to turn off my autodidact powers, stopping short of watching an actual video of the procedure. I'm a visual person. If I see it, I'm worried it will amplify my anxiety. When I'm rid of all this pain, maybe then I'll watch it and think, wow, they did that to my back!

I frankly have no idea how people with a herniated disc can NOT have this procedure. I have visited depths of pain that have made me scream drastic things. I have to pop in an oxycodone every 4 hours instead of 6-8 to keep my tears from flowing. (I have my neurosurgeon's approval for this dosage.)

My favorite position is laying in bed, ice pack on my lower spine, pillows under my knees and at my sides. After some time however, I have to get up and move or the leg pain becomes unbearable. For some reason, slowly walking, shuffling my feet is the most comfortable I can make my body. Unfortunately, I'm not a sleep walker and my feet usually demand a rest at some point.

I've been told once the exploded jelly like disc material is cleared away and my nerve can position itself back where it was designed to be, my leg pain should disappear and hopefully my foot and lower calf will come back to life. I've been walking on pins and needles in my right foot for weeks now.

My neurosurgeon has warned I will still feel quite a bit of pain in my lower back but that should go away with time as I heal from the procedure. The nerve damage may take some time to heal, but he's confident it will heal since I'm having this procedure done sooner rather than later. He expects me to be walking 3 miles a day by spring.

I'm looking forward to being able to recover. Right now, I must be extra cautious I don't damage myself further. Its very difficult to remember I shouldn't be lifting anything heavier than 1 pound and I shouldn't bend over at all. Of course, my body reminds me sharply when I forget.

My poor puppy Rigby doesn't understand why we don't go for walks anymore. I'm grateful the rest of my family is able to walk and play with him, but he sadly looks up at me as if to say, "Don't you love me? Why won't you play with me?" I will be so happy to be able to walk him once again.

You take for granted how often you need to bend to pick something up. I've needed soap on a rope more than once this past week. Rigby has enjoyed many culinary delights he otherwise wouldn't have as I have dropped food and not been able to pick it up before he munched it.

Although I've mastered dressing myself, I can't put my right sock on. I'm sure my boys are growing weary of having me stick my foot in their face, asking for help. I'm looking forward to being able to take care of myself on my own.

My husband and family I'm sure have a new appreciation for the time it takes to take care of housekeeping,shopping and meal preparations. I'm grateful they have been able to do everything I can't, but I still hate having to burden them with my share of daily living chores. I will gladly vacuum the floor once I'm able to again.

My husband has been sick, yet he continues to put in extra time at the office so he can take off for my surgery. I want to be well so I can take care of him, instead of him always having to take care of me. I miss being able to be the wife he deserves.

I'm expecting recovery to be painful, but hopefully it will be a productive pain that eventually diminishes. I'm hoping physical therapy will teach me how I can strengthen my body to prevent my other bulging discs from herniating. I've had other people, including my neurosurgeon, tell me they've had multiple back surgeries, but I don't want this to be me. Once is more than enough!

When I allowed the pain to depress me, I'd have thoughts like - remember when I climbed up the cargo net in the Dirty Girl Race? I couldn't do that now. Will I ever be able to do it again? Look at those people dancing, running, driving, shopping, laughing, etc. Will I ever be able to enjoy life again like them?

I've learned how being able to be active and mobile, being able to take care of yourself and others, is where life's joy is found. I'm craving it back so badly!

I'm choosing to push the depression aside, believing instead this procedure will free me. I will focus on recovery, not on the risks. I will remember my gratitude and when able, share and serve with others to the best of my ability.

Bring on Friday, put me under, stick those instruments into my spine and get me moving again! I don't want to lose out on life any longer than I have to. 

Fearing The Pain

I met with my neurologist and reviewing my MRI results he informs me I have a herniated disc at L5 S1. He immediately rises from his seat and tells me he needs to consult with a neurosurgeon immediately.

I'm left alone in the room, staring at the computer screen, looking at that dark mess where it should be white. The pain I have been feeling is definitely there in black and white magnetic imagery.

Wait - did he say neurosurgeon as in surgery? BACK SURGERY??!! 

My right foot and calf are numb. Its not from breathing too fast as suggested by the ER doctor. Its because my nerve has been pushed away from where it needs to be and there's a sticky mess all over the place. There's a very real reason for my excruciating pain and I'm terrified.

It takes a night for my shock to wear off and I come to the conclusion, I'm more afraid of this pain than I am of having my back cut into and my spine touched. I want this to be done. I want to be on the road to recovery. I don't want to fear this pain and feel like I'm made of glass.

I met Dr. Rust today and I want a microdisectomy. On Dec 21st he will make a small incision, drill a small hole and clean up my painful problem. If I don't choose surgery, I can try to live on pain medications for up to a year and see if my body removes the disc material. This long process means my nerve will be out of place and I will most likely never regain feeling in my foot. My body could also end up calcifying the disc material, leaving me with no choice but to have my spine fused together. I need to choose this surgery. There is no other option for me.

I hate having to wait a little over a week. I wanted Dr. Rust to operate on me today. I'm finding myself terrified of the pain. I don't know if I have the endurance to make it. Yes, I'm on real pain medication now, no more self medicating with Advil, but I still have a very vivid memory of the hell I've been through. The oxycodone takes the edge off, but my body is still letting me know, my nerve is seriously pissed off!

As much as I want this operation as soon as possible, I have anxiety about the recovery. Will it hurt worse? Will my nerve go back and my foot come alive once again?

I'm depressed about not being able to take care of my family and my work responsibilities. I haven't been able to do much to get ready for Christmas. Will I even be able to enjoy Christmas?

I know this surgery is the pathway towards recovery and I have to find patience. I'm still frightened of the unknown and the realization I'm not controlling this one. 

No Mercy Health Support

After my latest fall, I found myself in my doctor's office. My right leg hamstrings were screaming angry. I knew I must have messed up something serious. My doctor prescribed a muscle relaxer and sent me home.

Tuesday morning I got up and fell again, this time in excruciating pain, unable to put any weight on my leg, unable to move at all. My screams scared the boys quickly out of bed. They brought me the phone and I called for my husband to come home from work.

My husband carried me to the chiropractor and I was grateful after that first adjustment, I could at least shuffle my feet. The pain never went away entirely however.

Thursday morning I had to call my husband home again. I have experienced 44 hours of labor and 20 minutes of pushing out an almost 10 pound baby. I have experienced passing kidney stones. The pain I experienced Thursday was like nothing I could have imagined. I screamed most of Thursday and when I could form words, I asked for God to take me. The pain was consuming me. I felt I was in hell. My husband and family were the only reasons I was choosing to fight on.

Calling my doctor, the nurse told me to call 911 and go to the Emergency room rather than an Urgent Care center. Her logic was they would call my neurologist down for a consult. I choose to skip the expensive ambulance and my husband drove me to the ER.

When we arrived at Mercy Hospital ER, no one was there. No receptionist, no one in the waiting room, no one around anywhere!! For a long 5-10 minutes, I cried and whaled, as we contemplated now calling 911. Where the hell was everyone? The receptionist finally showed up and checked us in. I was brought to an ER room where in tremendous pain, I could not sit or lay down. I could only stand up and bend over the sink.

After waiting forever, I was given a percocet and shot of anti-inflammatory and sent home. The pain was still present and I was in agony.  I was only given a prescription for a day's worth of oxycodone. They told my husband my foot was numb because I was breathing too fast. They never called neurology for me.

Thursday night the pain became worse and I really wanted to die, thinking nothing could take me from this misery. We called the ER doctor back and all she said was, "It should be working. We've done all we could do for you."


Friday morning I called my regular doctor's office to follow up as instructed by the ER doctor. My regular doctor was closed. The answering service refused to put me through to the doctor on call. I called the ER at Mercy and told them I couldn't see my regular doctor to get a regular prescription for pain relief. The ER doctor refused to refill the order for the weekend to get me to Monday. Saturday, I ran out of prescription pain killers and resorted to taking Advil.

It was Tuesday before an MRI was done of my spine. Wednesday I learned I have a herniated disc at L5 S1. The sticky, jelly like material that is suppose to cushion my vertebrae had oozed out all over pushing my nerve out of place in the process. This is why I can't feel my foot and part of my calf and why I have excruciating pain in my upper leg and lower back.

I am very frustrated with how I was treated at the Mercy Emergency room. Why they didn't x-ray or scan me that day I don't understand. I feel like they viewed me as a drug abuser trying to score.

I am equally frustrated with my doctor's answering service for not putting me through even to a nurse when I asked.

I did call my doctor on Monday and complain. What good it did, I don't know.

I understand policies are in place to prevent medications from being abused, but I feel like I've been abused in the process. After experiencing such a depth of pain, I cannot understand why we don't do more to help people.