I haven't been sleeping well the past 3, or is that 4, nights. I've lost track. I could blame the grizzly bear I share a bed with, but truly I think its more me than him.
I'm still doing nightly relaxation visualization, listening to Jon Gabriel on my MP3 player, but afterward, I'm not falling asleep. Instead my mind starts back up, racing away.
Its not about stressful stuff either. I'm just overly excited about the abundant possibilities of life. The autodidact in me starts thinking about all the things I want to learn about and do. Am I so relaxed after my visualization practice that it frees my mind to dream up too much ambition?
Once I finally do fall asleep, I don't stay that way for long. The slightest thing will wake me and then I'm WIDE awake, racing thoughts once again.
Maybe its hormones?
Maybe its spring?
I have been watching my caffeine and drinking mostly water. Maybe I need to practice a different meditation before bed where instead of visualizing myself healthy and fit, enjoying all kinds of activities, I focus on quieting down my mind.
What's crazy considering my serious sleep deprivation is that I'm constantly amping up my day to day life. I can't just sit back and do the usual routine. I seem to create more and more projects for myself both at home and at work.
Am I going to crash and burn? Probably. I know I can't keep up this pace without getting at least 7 hours of sleep. The 3-4 I'm most likely averaging after you add it all up is not going to sustain me very much longer.
I seriously hope I can find a more healthy, balanced life rhythm.
I'm trying not to get excited about the possibility I may soon be buying a new kitchen trash can. A girl shouldn't count her chickens right?
There is a secret hidden in the above paragraph I can't yet reveal, but as I contemplate the possible changes coming my way, I'm discovering I'm challenging my old way of thinking. Count my chickens, I will indeed! I choose to live my life with the expectation those eggs WILL hatch. This is a new part to my new life.
Part of my healing process has required I address my fear of lack and loss. I'm not sure how or when that fear seed was planted. I grew up well cared for physically, but perhaps emotionally I wasn't?
Anyway, it doesn't matter how or when it happened. I can pull this fear weed from my garden and release it to my spiritual composter. I now am practicing abundance visualizations and truly seeing and FEELING how much I have.
I know to some, I must be sounding like a new age crazy girl these days, but I've tapped into something real and powerful. I feel so much potential is possible, I can't help but feel abundance is truly surrounding us, always.
I am very Chillaxed. :)
Pain now signals to me I'm healing. Pain went from meaning, something is wrong - HELP ME, to here is another thorn on a new branch that will lead to a beautiful bloom. Traveling the distance to the flower, across those thorns is something that happens regardless of my actions. Life is always changing, in motion fulfilling God's desire we are brought to abundance, peace and love.
The journey there really does make us stronger. I understand now those thorns keep predators from chewing away the branch, cutting off the blossom. Life's challenges serve us, propelling us forward if we chose to face and grow towards the unknown, rather than trying to head back to where we began.
I only wish I had more time each day to meditate. If I've had these revelations after only a few minutes of relaxing visualization every day or so, imagine the progress I could make if I had more time!
Patience Grasshopper - Think of all the off shooting branches I will create, all leading to blooming blessings, if I focus on growing and not measuring time.
