I just found a photo, ten years old. I mourn those little boys forever gone, yet still here. Don't you wish you could clone your children and have them at every age forever?
I need a baby son to cuddle and rock. I need a toddler son I can help take those first steps. I need his 4 year old self, making peanut butter crackers for himself for the first time. I need the giggles and laughter at bedtime, the silly entertaining questions that never stop.
I'm proud of the young men they have become and being here, in this moment, as they transform before my very eyes, I enjoy imagining what their futures will bring. Yet I mourn for those years gone by, so many precious moments now only memories.
I'm blessed to have had every minute with them I was given. I still want a time machine though. I want to read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom one more time. I want to burrito wrap you and wear you in the sling, holding you as close to my heart as I can get. I want to race Matchbox cars and ride couch cushions down the stairs like sleds. I want to cut your sandwiches into shapes and make funny faces with fruit on our plate.
I'm happy we still go for hikes together, and I can introduce you to 80's rock. We get to watch grown up movies and compare social media notes. You teach me more than I teach you these days, and that's something wonderful I wouldn't trade for anything. When you leave my nest, will I be able to figure out the video camera by myself?
I'm learning to let go, but you should know I always will be here, when you need me. I wish I could have had more time to show you everything, but I understand now this wasn't my responsibility. I only had to show you where to find the wind. Your sails and tiller belong to you. You're on a journey I can't keep you from, with destinations I can only dream of.
3 comments:
This is lovely Dawn! I hope your boys stay in close contact when they are gone from the nest.
My girls are all grown and I dont see them very often, even thou they live only a few miles away. They have their own lives and once they left the nest, mom took the back seat to their new lives and loves. I wish I could have that time machine to go back to that time when they were little and needed me. Its hard to let go because I still think of them as my little girls. I especially miss the giggles and laughter ringing thru the house.
A beautiful reflection on motherhood, Dawn. You will get some of this back when you become a grandma!! A time machine for quick visits back would be a wonderful thing, for sure.
They grow up so fast. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I'm not really needed. Maybe I should get a puppy...sigh
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