Wisconsin Friday Night Fish Fry at Quivey's

Quivey's Grove is my family's favorite place for traditional fish fry. Quivey's has two dining areas, a formal farm house and a not so formal stable. We prefer eating in the renovated stable surrounded by stone and wood, where casual attire is welcome. The fish I'm sure, tastes just as good where ever you decide to sit!

My men all get traditional, all you cat eat, fried cod. I enjoy mine baked with a side of creamy Parmesan potatoes. We're also served sourdough bread with real butter. If we could afford it, my family would choose to eat here every Friday.  

You'll have to put up with my lousy camera. It doesn't take such great photos in low light. The stable goes up several floors, but being early birds, we usually score a ground floor table. We meet my husband just after 4:00pm most times we dine here. The crowd crushes in by 5:00pm. The wait staff knows us and always treats us well. I think this is because my husband is handsome and tips very well.

Catching Up

It took 3 weeks, but my sore throat is finally recovering. I was just about to see the ear, nose, throat guy to discuss a tonsillectomy. I really did not want surgery. Once a year is enough. It usually doesn't take me that long to recover. I'm thinking I must have had back to back viral infections.

Our homeschooling conference last weekend was great. Every year my family volunteers to host several workshops, and this year all of them went very well. I do all this prep work and then worry whether people are having a good time or not. This year, I made a point to watch the participants more closely and seeing their smiles, hearing their laughter, it really registered to me they were all enjoying their time. It was inspirational to see these kids laugh and play with others they had just met.

I've been told my dad is recovering well from his strokes. At first I was really disappointed they missed he was having a stroke. He actually got sick in the hospital parking lot. My parents were planning on visiting the hospital's cafeteria, but my father suddenly became very dizzy and sick. My mom grabbed a wheel chair and pushed him across the hospital to the ER. They treated him for vertigo for several days before a physical therapist mentioned my dad's symptoms look like those of a stroke patient. An MRI confirmed my dad had suffered one big stroke at the back and base of his head, along with several other  mini-strokes. He has trouble walking now, but they are hopeful with therapy he will walk with a walker.

As my mom speaks with me concerning my dad, I'm recognizing how much I'm like him. I get very anxious when I'm not well. I hate that feeling of not being in control of my body. I can understand how this reaction only makes things worse, so I will have to learn how to truly chill out.

When my sore throat wasn't getting better, my frustration level was so high. I couldn't trust that my body was going to recover in its own time. Recovering from back surgery, you would of thought I would have learned this lesson!

I believe I need to actively practice chilling out and going with life's flow.

I found this journal and thought it would be an awesome plan, to purposely make note of how much awesome is around me each day.  So that's my new plan.

A Sad Day In The Garden

I ventured out to the square foot gardens to plant some beets, hoping they wouldn't mind this dismal weather.

I discover a mama bunny had made a grave mistake. She birthed four babies in the corner of one of the square foot gardens. She either abandoned them, or judging from the fur, someone came along and ate her. It was a sorry sight, but I was grateful they were dead because I wouldn't have known what to do, or I should say, I couldn't have performed what would have needed to be done. 

DS17 helped me scoop them up, and we buried them under the mulberry tree. I will plant sunflowers in the square foot garden where these tiny babies perished. Poor things.

A Dark Side Dawn Post- Written 3/26/13

I wrote this 3/26/13. Waited to post it until I could follow it with a more positive post, on 4/9/13. http://dawninger.blogspot.com/2013/04/16-weeks-past-surgery-still-struggling.html



I haven't journal-ed in so long because I struggled with putting out positive thoughts rather than negative. I felt if I wrote about the negative, I gave it power.  Now I see that negativity is blocking the positive. I have to get it out.

Living with pain takes strength, courage, and stamina. I'm running out of stamina.

I have stopped pain medications in part because I don't want the harmful side effects, but also because I thought I could learn to live with pain as a new normal. For the most part, this has worked. It has worked so well, those living around me have no idea what I'm going through. It works until I break from the strain.

Last night I broke. My emotional scar was ripped open when I was reminded how beyond help I really am. I can feel those who love me and want to help anyway they can, but the truth is they can't even come close. Professional medical help has no vested interest in helping me and they don't have any answers either.

My body is failing me. Trigeminal Neuralgia has given me almost constant facial pain. Tegretol has removed the lightening strikes, but I'm left dealing with constant head and facial aches. A doctor would suggest I take more drugs, but that method is a path that runs in a circle, always bringing me back to where I'd have to take more and more medication.

The nerve in my leg and foot seems permanently damaged from my spinal injury. My back is doing better, but recovery is so very slow. My nerve damage really hasn't seemed to change much at all. My foot constantly feels like its encased in a block of ice. If I stretch my leg, the pain reminds me of my limitations. A few times, it even starts to feel like that scary, awful day I wish to forget, but thankfully it stops before it reaches that level of hell. Perhaps I haven't given myself enough time to heal, although its probably safe to assume the disc material scraped off the myelin coating on my nerve. That protective coating won't come back. I'm suppose to give this "a year or two" to see if anything changes. If it doesn't, I'm forever damaged goods.

I have anger inside I haven't let go of. In it's calmer form, they call it depression. I can usually tuck this away, but when my stamina is failing, it rears up and roars.

16 Weeks Past Surgery ~ Still Struggling

I still struggle with nerve damage from my herniated disc. I found this article and I believe this is what has happened to me. http://www.caudaequina.org/issues/whatisces.htm

Its been 16 weeks since my surgery. I know I am a very impatient patient when it comes to my recovery. From day one I've been frustrated at my limitations.

I should be rejoicing. I am not on pain medication. I am back at work. I can take care of myself and others. I may not be able to carry the laundry basket up the stairs, or feel completely comfortable walking 25 pounds of all muscle Pembroke Corgi, but I am able to enjoy a quality of life I could not several months ago.

I expect perfection or at the very least, to be the same as I was before. Every morning I wake up in pain and curse my damaged vessel. The pain sometimes improves once I get up and start moving, but the nerve damage in my foot remains constant. Most of my right foot feels like its imprisoned in a block of ice. At times, when I put weight on it, it feels like the skin is tearing off. These past several weeks, I have a new sensation. There is a constant rock in my shoe.

My right calf instantly Charlie Horses when I attempt to stretch my leg. Once up and about, this improves, but never goes away entirely. After a day of activity, (walking is suppose to be good), I'm left with an aching soreness throughout the back of my entire leg that echos the nightmare I endured on December 6th, 2012. I remind myself the pain level will not increase to the point it was once at, and I try to relax through it.

From the moment I first become conscious each morning, my body is sore. I try to move and feel the pain reminding me I am damaged goods. I push through, and sometimes I am successful at distracting my focus away from the pain. On bad days, I reach for the Advil.

Dr. Neurosurgeon has told me it could take a year or two for my nerve to heal. I'm now thinking that's what they say to give you hope, but the reality is not so pretty. When my disc blew, out came the jelly like material all over my nerve. 9 cubic centimeters of guck was removed during my surgery. 9 cubic centimeters had wrapped around my nerve most likely pushing off the protective myelin. Without the myelin, my nerve cannot heal. My doctor simply said, "Give it a year or two. It could improve. If not, its permanent."

I'm only 16 weeks past surgery, but I'm feeling like its going to be permanent. If I do still have myelin, the nerve regrows at the rate of 1mm a day. Its slow, but it will find its way if the myelin is still present to lead it. Given the fact since surgery I've added painful symptoms, I sometimes choose to believe my nerve is healing. Why would I suddenly start feeling a non-existent rock in my shoe? But when I think about how my nerve was coated with the disc material for approximately 3-4 weeks before they could schedule my surgery, I think I'm doomed.

I understand they never perform surgery on a herniated disc immediately unless you lose bowel and bladder function. I understand some may deem me fortunate that I was under the microscopic knife within a month's time. I still am left wondering if my outcome would have been completely different had the damaged disc material been removed the day I was in excruciating pain.

It is difficult for me to accept my body for what is it now. I know a blog post away I wrote about a new normal, about accepting my new normal and moving on. I've tried to do that, but I'll admit, I haven't been entirely successful. My subconscious dreams remind me I'm still struggling. At times, I feel my frozen foot and tears of frustration start to well up. I wake up with pain and wish it gone every single day.

I know people have been praying for me and at one point I thought, this isn't working because I'm not praying for myself! So I started praying. I'm still praying. I've discovered I'm not trying to deal with this and accept it. I'm still trying to change it!

Maybe that actually means I'm not ready to give up this fight? Frustration will fuel my fight, whereas acceptance won't. Maybe I'm meant to continue to fight, to hope, to pray, to struggle, until I win? Perhaps in doing so, I will send the message to my body, restore yourself because she's not going to stop! I could make a miracle happen. I'm created in His image. I've been born to make miracles happen. If I have the endurance to stay frustrated with my burden for this long, I have the endurance to continue to fight.

Its not time for me to accept it. Continuing the struggle is okay. It doesn't have to be a scary thing. Continuing to struggle means my strength is still here. I only have to find a way to transfer that strength to where it needs to go directly.

Growing A New Me ~ 7 Weeks Post Surgery

I have been doing much soul searching these long weeks of recovery. I have traveled emotionally from such a dark place and its only been recently that I have been able to feel the light returning.

I've been inspired by The Organic Sister, life coach Tara Wagner.

Each day she posts uplifting, uplighting, quotes that have been healing my broken spirit. Yesterday she posted-  "Organic Wisdom: Radical healing and growth often look like chaotic, overwhelming upheaval. Allow the dust to settle to see the beauty." 

She also posted this one- "Say it with me: Things happen FOR me, not TO me. I trust myself to learn and grow." 

I encourage you to find her on Facebook and follow her. 

I've also been inspired by an article I've read recently, Toni Bernhard J.D. "5 Tough Choices You Face When Chronically Ill Or In Pain".

I know even after I have recovered from my spine surgery, Trigeminal Neuralgia will still stick around, challenging me for the rest of my days on this earth.

I've decided that it's time I grow. 

I've decided to stop pushing towards an idea of healthy that I have in my head and instead create a NEW ME. I will continue to make choices that lead to improved health and wellness, but also accept that whatever end results, it was the one intended for me. 

I'm not going to think back on past achievements and think, I'll never be able to do that again. I have new achievements to reach and although it may be tempting to judge and compare these future milestones to past accomplishments and believe they don't measure up as well, I'm not going to do that. 

I was brought to a place I hadn't planned on residing in, (illness and injury.) I certainly didn't want to set up residence there, but my motivation to move away from this wasn't coming from an honest, fair, authentic spirit. This is why I believe I sank into a depression. 

Once I grew and understood the concepts of where I am, is where I am meant to be and who I will become is who I am meant to be, I found it so much easier to be loving toward myself and allow for true healing, physical and spiritual. 

Today I celebrate coming out of the darkness and back into the positive light. I'm looking forward to continuing my self creation, supported with unconditional self love. 

I am going to navigate towards positive, loving souls because I realize, its not my role to be negative peoples' punching bag simply because I'm great at forgiveness. I also recognize it is my responsibility to see the good in everyone. 

4 Weeks Into Recovery From Microdiscectomy

I've made it past my 4 week post surgery mark! I feel I have finally turned the corner. Recovery has been slow and painful, but this week I'm starting to feel like I can take part in life once again.

My neurosurgeon still warned me about over doing it. He really doesn't want me to start a walking program until spring. I told him this past week I've begun walking on the treadmill for 15-30 minutes at a time at speed 1. He didn't want me walking more than this, and strongly suggested I be extra careful. He understands I've been depressed about not being able to do anything. I will see him again in March at my 3 month post op.

I've started to wean off of the narcotic, oxycodone, and I have the doctor's permission to use Advil. Before and after surgery I was forbidden from using ibuprofen because of the increased bleeding risk and the fact its slows bone recovery. I'm getting by on 1 oxycodone and 2 Advil every 6 hours. I had been taking 2 oxycodones every 8 hours. I was nervous about coming off of the narcotic because I've read I could experience serious withdrawal symptoms. So far, I'm doing well. My hope is to be off the narcotic within a few weeks so I can return to work.

The numbness is still in my right foot and calf. Sometimes I also now experience a feeling like my skin is ripping apart when I first get up and start walking after being off my feet. I've been told, the nerve damage could be permanent or could take up to a year or two to go away. I've decided I can live with this after all. Its annoying, but I'm grateful I can still walk!

The leg pain feels not nearly as bad, but I do have some discomfort. I have hope though this will disappear as I reach a further point in my recovery. I'm sure as time goes by and I'm able to walk more, my leg will get the message.

My biggest challenge is and always has been, not over doing it. When you are drugged, you don't have the pain telling you to stop. Coming off the narcotic, I'm beginning to notice when my body is telling me its time to back off.

I had the neurosurgeon's nurse print me a copy of my MRI showing the terrible disc damage. Although it grosses my children out, I've posted it on my refrigerator to remind me to take it easy. The last thing I want is to end up back in that world of unbearable pain, looking at surgery once again.

This injury has taken two months of my life really, before surgery and then dealing with recovery. I'm now at a point where I feel like I can contribute to life and enjoy moments. I'm working from home a few hours, and I can stand long enough to wash dishes!! I never thought washing dishes would make me so happy but it does!

Being able to function and move is something I will never take for granted again.

Feeling Better? Here's The Bill.

Yesterday, (day 17), I was actually feeling pretty good. I started spacing my oxycodone every 8 hours instead of 6 and felt I was comfortable enough.

This morning, (day18), when I woke up, I didn't want to move. I suppose this is to be expected. You have a good day and then a not so good day. Either on my good days, I over do it, or just like with regular exercise, your body needs a recovery day. Whatever the case may be, I'm hopeful with these feeling better days that healing is actually taking place. Its been slow in my opinion, but I suppose others would say my healing expectations are too high. I'm choosing to stay hopeful that however much time it takes, I will restore my life to where I want it to be.

Also yesterday in the mail we received a billing statement. I am so grateful we have good insurance. Just a few years ago, we were without insurance. My heart goes out to all of those who have no choice but to go without insurance. If you are financially well off, I suppose you have nothing to worry about, but most families I know struggle. You can plan on living a healthy lifestyle, but I'm a perfect example of what could happen beyond your control. A simple fall can change your life.

My MRI bills have been in the $3,000-$6,000 range. I've had to have 3 of them.

I haven't seen the statement yet for my emergency room visit or any of the doctor bills.

My room and board for 23 hours in the hospital was $1,141.50. That was some expensive Jello I enjoyed that evening after surgery.

My drugs were $5,238. I'm sure I had some great pain relievers going through that IV in my neck, but there's actually a different bill for anesthesia.

My anesthesia bill is $2,574.75. I'm grateful I have no recollection of the operation, and I am very grateful I woke up!

Lab work was $665. I'm not exactly sure what lab work was done, but I remember being asked if I was pregnant and when I told the nurse no, I couldn't pee, she said, "That's okay. We'll run a pregnancy test with the blood work." I'm sure they needed to verify blood type and other stuff in case anything unexpected popped up during the procedure.

Diagnostic Radiology was $754.75. I think this was the equipment used to make sure Dr. Neurosurgeron was operating in the correct place. I remember being told something about micro equipment and special glasses so he could see my tiny nerve well enough not to damage it.

Medical/Surgical supplies total was $5,498.75. I suppose Mercy Hospital has to pay off the specialized $70,000 back surgery table at some point.

Operating Room Services = $11,042.75. I suppose this helps pays the salaries of everyone else working with the surgeon and anesthesiologist. It certainly didn't go to pay the heat bill because that room was freezing!

Recovery Room total $3,086.50. This was for the nurses who monitored my vitals, and were so wonderful to place cool wash clothes on my forehead because I woke up so nauseous. I have very little memory of the recovery room other than wanting to throw up.

So if you are keeping track, without the actual doctor's costs, my microdiscectomy to repair my herniated disc has cost over $40,000. If we did not have health insurance, I would be beyond depressed. I fell. I didn't get in a car accident. There is no one to sue. This could happen to anyone, no matter how careful they are. I truly believe we must work together in this country to make health care affordable and even more importantly, accessible to everyone.

Interestingly, on the same day I received the billing statement from the hospital, I also received a survey asking me how I thought everything went and how well I was treated. Other than my emergency room nightmare, everyone else at Mercy has been wonderful.

I consider myself fortunate to be so well taken care of that night of Dec 21st because on the surgical recovery floor, it was a very busy night with several snow thrower damaged limbs. I was lucky to be directly across from the nurses' station and even though I felt like I was bothering them every 30 minutes, they assured me it was their job and their pleasure to be there for me. I knew they were busy, but I felt like I was their priority.  

I will fill out the survey praising the staff, but not the prices.