A Sad Day In The Garden

I ventured out to the square foot gardens to plant some beets, hoping they wouldn't mind this dismal weather.

I discover a mama bunny had made a grave mistake. She birthed four babies in the corner of one of the square foot gardens. She either abandoned them, or judging from the fur, someone came along and ate her. It was a sorry sight, but I was grateful they were dead because I wouldn't have known what to do, or I should say, I couldn't have performed what would have needed to be done. 

DS17 helped me scoop them up, and we buried them under the mulberry tree. I will plant sunflowers in the square foot garden where these tiny babies perished. Poor things.

A Dark Side Dawn Post- Written 3/26/13

I wrote this 3/26/13. Waited to post it until I could follow it with a more positive post, on 4/9/13. http://dawninger.blogspot.com/2013/04/16-weeks-past-surgery-still-struggling.html



I haven't journal-ed in so long because I struggled with putting out positive thoughts rather than negative. I felt if I wrote about the negative, I gave it power.  Now I see that negativity is blocking the positive. I have to get it out.

Living with pain takes strength, courage, and stamina. I'm running out of stamina.

I have stopped pain medications in part because I don't want the harmful side effects, but also because I thought I could learn to live with pain as a new normal. For the most part, this has worked. It has worked so well, those living around me have no idea what I'm going through. It works until I break from the strain.

Last night I broke. My emotional scar was ripped open when I was reminded how beyond help I really am. I can feel those who love me and want to help anyway they can, but the truth is they can't even come close. Professional medical help has no vested interest in helping me and they don't have any answers either.

My body is failing me. Trigeminal Neuralgia has given me almost constant facial pain. Tegretol has removed the lightening strikes, but I'm left dealing with constant head and facial aches. A doctor would suggest I take more drugs, but that method is a path that runs in a circle, always bringing me back to where I'd have to take more and more medication.

The nerve in my leg and foot seems permanently damaged from my spinal injury. My back is doing better, but recovery is so very slow. My nerve damage really hasn't seemed to change much at all. My foot constantly feels like its encased in a block of ice. If I stretch my leg, the pain reminds me of my limitations. A few times, it even starts to feel like that scary, awful day I wish to forget, but thankfully it stops before it reaches that level of hell. Perhaps I haven't given myself enough time to heal, although its probably safe to assume the disc material scraped off the myelin coating on my nerve. That protective coating won't come back. I'm suppose to give this "a year or two" to see if anything changes. If it doesn't, I'm forever damaged goods.

I have anger inside I haven't let go of. In it's calmer form, they call it depression. I can usually tuck this away, but when my stamina is failing, it rears up and roars.

16 Weeks Past Surgery ~ Still Struggling

I still struggle with nerve damage from my herniated disc. I found this article and I believe this is what has happened to me. http://www.caudaequina.org/issues/whatisces.htm

Its been 16 weeks since my surgery. I know I am a very impatient patient when it comes to my recovery. From day one I've been frustrated at my limitations.

I should be rejoicing. I am not on pain medication. I am back at work. I can take care of myself and others. I may not be able to carry the laundry basket up the stairs, or feel completely comfortable walking 25 pounds of all muscle Pembroke Corgi, but I am able to enjoy a quality of life I could not several months ago.

I expect perfection or at the very least, to be the same as I was before. Every morning I wake up in pain and curse my damaged vessel. The pain sometimes improves once I get up and start moving, but the nerve damage in my foot remains constant. Most of my right foot feels like its imprisoned in a block of ice. At times, when I put weight on it, it feels like the skin is tearing off. These past several weeks, I have a new sensation. There is a constant rock in my shoe.

My right calf instantly Charlie Horses when I attempt to stretch my leg. Once up and about, this improves, but never goes away entirely. After a day of activity, (walking is suppose to be good), I'm left with an aching soreness throughout the back of my entire leg that echos the nightmare I endured on December 6th, 2012. I remind myself the pain level will not increase to the point it was once at, and I try to relax through it.

From the moment I first become conscious each morning, my body is sore. I try to move and feel the pain reminding me I am damaged goods. I push through, and sometimes I am successful at distracting my focus away from the pain. On bad days, I reach for the Advil.

Dr. Neurosurgeon has told me it could take a year or two for my nerve to heal. I'm now thinking that's what they say to give you hope, but the reality is not so pretty. When my disc blew, out came the jelly like material all over my nerve. 9 cubic centimeters of guck was removed during my surgery. 9 cubic centimeters had wrapped around my nerve most likely pushing off the protective myelin. Without the myelin, my nerve cannot heal. My doctor simply said, "Give it a year or two. It could improve. If not, its permanent."

I'm only 16 weeks past surgery, but I'm feeling like its going to be permanent. If I do still have myelin, the nerve regrows at the rate of 1mm a day. Its slow, but it will find its way if the myelin is still present to lead it. Given the fact since surgery I've added painful symptoms, I sometimes choose to believe my nerve is healing. Why would I suddenly start feeling a non-existent rock in my shoe? But when I think about how my nerve was coated with the disc material for approximately 3-4 weeks before they could schedule my surgery, I think I'm doomed.

I understand they never perform surgery on a herniated disc immediately unless you lose bowel and bladder function. I understand some may deem me fortunate that I was under the microscopic knife within a month's time. I still am left wondering if my outcome would have been completely different had the damaged disc material been removed the day I was in excruciating pain.

It is difficult for me to accept my body for what is it now. I know a blog post away I wrote about a new normal, about accepting my new normal and moving on. I've tried to do that, but I'll admit, I haven't been entirely successful. My subconscious dreams remind me I'm still struggling. At times, I feel my frozen foot and tears of frustration start to well up. I wake up with pain and wish it gone every single day.

I know people have been praying for me and at one point I thought, this isn't working because I'm not praying for myself! So I started praying. I'm still praying. I've discovered I'm not trying to deal with this and accept it. I'm still trying to change it!

Maybe that actually means I'm not ready to give up this fight? Frustration will fuel my fight, whereas acceptance won't. Maybe I'm meant to continue to fight, to hope, to pray, to struggle, until I win? Perhaps in doing so, I will send the message to my body, restore yourself because she's not going to stop! I could make a miracle happen. I'm created in His image. I've been born to make miracles happen. If I have the endurance to stay frustrated with my burden for this long, I have the endurance to continue to fight.

Its not time for me to accept it. Continuing the struggle is okay. It doesn't have to be a scary thing. Continuing to struggle means my strength is still here. I only have to find a way to transfer that strength to where it needs to go directly.